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  #51  
Old 09-11-2013, 05:17 PM
Duckshoes Duckshoes is offline
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Originally Posted by CattivaGattina View Post
Fyi, if you want a committed relationship and not date solo you are going to need to be okay with the other person having another relationship as well. Expecting them to be only with you and not be able to have legal benefits or in some cases not have children of her own if she wants will make it near impossible to find anyone.
And we are okay with that (day late however) we just want to know that we would be included. She doesn't want commitment right now (it appears, she didn't say that exactly). She told us that the other would see her more and that if she started a third she would see us even less, this to us is worrisome as we can't see how strong of a relationship we could maintain without seeing her on a regular basis. There is no right or wrong here, just different expectations and desires
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  #52  
Old 09-13-2013, 12:08 PM
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Piroska Piroska is offline
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Not sure if someone already posted this article or not, but I found it enormously elucidating:

http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-c...nicorn-hunter/
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  #53  
Old 09-13-2013, 03:26 PM
Duckshoes Duckshoes is offline
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Originally Posted by Eslynne View Post
Not sure if someone already posted this article or not, but I found it enormously elucidating:

http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-c...nicorn-hunter/
This was a great article, I just wish I knew all of this before. The only thing I can say is she always said she was happy, that she didn't want more and that we were enough. Then one day that changed and we over reacted. I know this now and like so many of life's lessons I learned it after the fact. She doesn't want to come back to us because she doesn’t' want to put more energy into the relationship. I believe that we could construct a scenario where everyone’s needs are met and everyone is happy but it would take work from all parties to make it happen, something that she has no interest in doing.

I miss her and get angry at myself for having this happen but I can't spend the rest of my life wallowing in self pity and apologizing for everything. She knows how to get a hold of us and if she wants to make it work we can talk, but otherwise it is over and it is just time to move on
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  #54  
Old 09-16-2013, 09:30 AM
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Originally Posted by Duckshoes View Post
I believe that we could construct a scenario where everyone’s needs are met and everyone is happy but it would take work from all parties to make it happen,

May I ask, just out of interest, why you believe this? I see often that even in the face of a lot of (albeit anecdotal) evidence to the contrary, even when couples have fairly disastrous experiences themselves, they still believe that if they find the 'right' person, their triad dreams will come true.

Is it because it is an all or nothing situation as in, there will be NO Poly, unless it is this kind of Poly...so the pressure is on to find the 'right' kind of Poly?

Or is it because you truly believe the problem lies with the lack of good Unicorns, rather than the configuration simply being unstable and often untenable?

It might appear judgemental but really I AM curious because I have seen couples say this on many sites over the years after a bad experience with a failed triad (it is worth noting that I have never seen a failed Unicorn do the same) that 'they are still hopeful that "their girl" is out there but I just wonder....why?
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  #55  
Old 09-16-2013, 04:20 PM
Duckshoes Duckshoes is offline
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
May I ask, just out of interest, why you believe this? I see often that even in the face of a lot of (albeit anecdotal) evidence to the contrary, even when couples have fairly disastrous experiences themselves, they still believe that if they find the 'right' person, their triad dreams will come true.

Is it because it is an all or nothing situation as in, there will be NO Poly, unless it is this kind of Poly...so the pressure is on to find the 'right' kind of Poly?

Or is it because you truly believe the problem lies with the lack of good Unicorns, rather than the configuration simply being unstable and often untenable?

It might appear judgemental but really I AM curious because I have seen couples say this on many sites over the years after a bad experience with a failed triad (it is worth noting that I have never seen a failed Unicorn do the same) that 'they are still hopeful that "their girl" is out there but I just wonder....why?
I believe it because I (and my wife) love her so much that it is hard to think otherwise. We don't want her to be a unicorn, we want her to be happy and if that includes her seeing others than we will be happy with that. The communication by all was not where it needed to be. We didn't know how she felt because she didn't tell us (maybe she didn't know herself) and as such our reaction to the news was based on immediate shock and it was handled poorly. I don't want her to live a life that isn't true to herself....that isn't fair. Right now the only missing piece is her. My wife and I are willing to talk and even start over with just some dates but she has to want to do it too. I learned a long time ago that trying to change someone's mind only makes them more entrenched. I don't want to change her, I just want to talk with her and find out why we can't make it work again.

I don't think for us this is a poly/ no poly senario. I can see this working with others in the future and perhaps this one is simply not to be. I have had failed mono relationships and moved on and now a failed poly relationship. I don't want her to be the one that got away though so it has been hard to just give up. I have always tried in everything I do to find a solution. I really believe that nothing is impossible and that there is always a way. Success is simply standing up one more time than you fall down. Maybe I'm delusional, I don't know
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  #56  
Old 09-16-2013, 06:07 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by Duckshoes View Post
We didn't know how she felt because she didn't tell us (maybe she didn't know herself) and as such our reaction to the news was based on immediate shock and it was handled poorly.
But she did tell you. Didn't you say this started because she told you she wants to see others? And you said no. And now you've changed your mind, but she isn't giving second chances? Is that the story now?
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  #57  
Old 09-16-2013, 06:18 PM
Duckshoes Duckshoes is offline
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Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
But she did tell you. Didn't you say this started because she told you she wants to see others? And you said no. And now you've changed your mind, but she isn't giving second chances? Is that the story now?
And you are correct, but what she told us before was that she was happy with just us, she didn't want others, she was polyfidelious (sp?) so we were caught off guard, shocked.

I don't deny that we have changed our views, but that is because we didn't have the education. She told us she had been asked out and we either could accept that or she would leave. We were stunned and didn't react in the way we would now. I don't want to come across as a victim or try to downplay our part but it was like a kick in the gut and a reversal from everything we new to be true.....That is why I want to talk, so that she understands why we acted the way we did and that maybe we could hit the reset button and move forward with everyone understanding how this came to be and what could be done for the future. We simply love her too much to throw this away
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  #58  
Old 09-17-2013, 03:07 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by Duckshoes View Post
And you are correct, but what she told us before was that she was happy with just us, she didn't want others, she was polyfidelious (sp?) so we were caught off guard, shocked.

I don't deny that we have changed our views, but that is because we didn't have the education. She told us she had been asked out and we either could accept that or she would leave. We were stunned and didn't react in the way we would now. I don't want to come across as a victim or try to downplay our part but it was like a kick in the gut and a reversal from everything we new to be true.....That is why I want to talk, so that she understands why we acted the way we did and that maybe we could hit the reset button and move forward with everyone understanding how this came to be and what could be done for the future. We simply love her too much to throw this away
I guess I don't understand why you keep saying you didn't know how she felt. I get that she had been happy or at least told you she was up until then, but if she said, "I want to go out with someone else," you knew THEN that that's how she felt. And you told her no.

My guess, based on your story and her refusal to give any second chances, is that there's a bit more, and that there were other reasons all along she was not as happy as you say. Most people don't go from HAPPY to NO SECOND CHANCES in a heartbeat.
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  #59  
Old 09-17-2013, 03:48 AM
Duckshoes Duckshoes is offline
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Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I guess I don't understand why you keep saying you didn't know how she felt. I get that she had been happy or at least told you she was up until then, but if she said, "I want to go out with someone else," you knew THEN that that's how she felt. And you told her no.
True, for the period between her telling us and us responding poorly because we were in shock, we did know. I would say however that the lead up to this did not indicate anything. I think had she brought up the topic without giving us the ultimatum of I date or I'm gone, we could have talked about it in a different way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
My guess, based on your story and her refusal to give any second chances, is that there's a bit more, and that there were other reasons all along she was not as happy as you say. Most people don't go from HAPPY to NO SECOND CHANCES in a heartbeat.
I have mentioned this in previous posts and I agree with you. I think she had other issues she didn't bring up with us. But since she didn't say anything, I can't really speak to anything other than what I can infer

Last edited by Duckshoes; 09-17-2013 at 03:56 AM.
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  #60  
Old 09-18-2013, 10:32 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Duckshoes View Post
I think had she brought up the topic without giving us the ultimatum of I date or I'm gone, we could have talked about it in a different way.
It sounds like you wish she would've asked you for permission. However, it seems she was simply taking charge of her life.

Did she really put it as an ultimatum or was it more like, "This is what I want to do and I hope you can deal with it." ? The way you put it sounds so over-the-top dramatic. But I empathize with your broken hearts - the hurt really sucks.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-18-2013 at 07:00 PM.
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