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Old 02-26-2010, 08:55 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Default Letting go

Hi everyone.

I have a general question - something that is running through my head.

Ouroboros is planning a get away this coming week, and he is "allowed" for lack of a better word, to make out with girls. I have gotten to the point where I am a little nervous, but really not jealous or afraid, or anything negative. I am more excited for him. Yay for us, right?

Now - in perfect nature with myself - I find that I am actually worried that letting go may mean I let go of him, of my heart, etc.

I don't feel like that now, but It seems like in any platonic relationship I have had, the common denominator is lack of ownership of their physical/ sexual self.

Has anyone felt this way before or thought about this?
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Old 02-27-2010, 04:31 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hey Redsiren,

Yea - I think I remember experiencing that myself and have heard others speak of it. I think it's more just that "brave new world" phenom. Like you said - the only experience most of us have in 'letting go' has ended up in a shrinking or dissolution of things.

This is really different.

It's more about letting go of mutual 'anchor points' if that makes sense. We're untying from the dock, going sailing in different ships. The plan is to stay together and eventually reach a new port. A natural worry that a storm may blow in and send us in different directions is likely to be there. But we have to believe that if that happens, we'll get back on course and still end up at the planned port - just maybe at a slightly different time. Trust.

GS
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Old 03-02-2010, 07:24 PM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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Yes, I've felt that way. I spent a lot of time worrying about it and trying to get it to make sense to me. After we became polyamorous, I actually spent months and months mulling over the idea that sharing sex with ONLY your primary partner is what made the relationship special--yes, I know that sex isn't really what made the relationship special but bear with me-- and if you have sex with other partners, what is the difference between your primary and anyone else?

Okay, the bad news is that I haven't been able to find a clear-cut, easy answer to that. Sorry, I know it should be easier but I just can't make it tip over the edge into understanding yet.

The good news is, I haven't lost feelings for my husband by "allowing" him to have sex with our girlfriend. (baby steps...) "Losing ownership" of his physical self was hard at first, but I can tell you that as I work through my issues, I think that I don't actually feel like I've lost ownership. I feel like everything I love about him is still there, and our physical intimacy is still loving and an expression of the bond we feel. I *am* insecure sometimes, but I feel connected to him, not at all like my platonic relationships. We still have the foundation of our relationship. (I hope that was more helpful than confusing.)
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Old 03-02-2010, 07:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
I find that I am actually worried that letting go may mean I let go of him, of my heart, etc.
This has happened to me in the past. I'm not saying it will happen to you though. At the end of my marriage I don't think I would have had a problem opening up my relationship simply because there wasn't one there in the "connected, I am in love sense". This feeling is a warning sign for me personally, but I am mono so it's different. When I hold the proverbial door open for someone, I'm probably going to close it behind them.
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Old 03-02-2010, 07:53 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Lemon drop - that was good insight. thanks.

Mono - You are dating a poly person. Do you feel that her seeing other people, and you letting go of her in that way impacts your relationship? ( I have my assumptions... but I don't want to assume)

And for you - do you feel that you are mono because if you were to explore other romantic relationships the door would close on your existing one?
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Old 03-02-2010, 08:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post

Mono - You are dating a poly person. Do you feel that her seeing other people, and you letting go of her in that way impacts your relationship? ( I have my assumptions... but I don't want to assume)
My example was more directed at my past relationship, however, outside of the specifics of our boundaries, there is still an impact felt in my current relationship in regards to activities that I lump under the umbrella of intimacy. Dating or even BDSM fall into that so in short..yes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
And for you - do you feel that you are mono because if you were to explore other romantic relationships the door would close on your existing one?
In order for me to even explore another romantic relationship the door would already have to be closed. There is no overlap. My interest in someone signals my lack of interest in any one else. This does not imply that I have to be in love with anyone at all. Love isn't a game of hopscotch for me. There could be huge breaks. I have no need to explore anyone else...I love Redpepper because I love her, not because I want to love someone or be loved. I was meant to love her.
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 03-02-2010 at 08:43 PM.
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Old 03-02-2010, 08:57 PM
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Found this nice poem online:
An anonymous poem. LETTING GO
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Friday, 26 February 2010 at 14:37 | Edit note | Delete
To Let Go does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.

To Let Go is not to cut myself off. It's the realization that I can't control another.

To Let Go is not to enable. But to allow learning from natural consequences.

To Let Go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To Let Go is not to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself.

To Let Go is not to care for, but to care about.

To Let Go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To Let Go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To Let Go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To Let Go is not to be protective. It's to permit another to face reality.

To Let Go is not to deny, but to accept.

To Let Go is not to nag, scold, or argue; but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.

To Let Go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To Let Go is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To Let Go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To Let Go is to fear less, and Love more.
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Old 03-02-2010, 09:16 PM
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Nice poem RS
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Old 03-03-2010, 05:38 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Wow, great answers!!
I loved the poem RS.

I personally don't have this particular issue.

I'm not sure why.... I guess I've just known from an early age that control wasn't true (in terms of relationships/destiny etc)... I don't know if I was taught that concept or not, but I know that in my closest relationships I have never felt the need to try to hold on to them in any way-we just KNOW we are bonded.

Also-I don't equate sex with the deepest intimacy either. My most intensely intimate moments with one I love aren't sexual. I DO bond during sex, but that's not the deepest, most important way to bond.......

This is an issue (well THE issue) that caused the breach today between Maca and I. He can't seem to understand that in trying to keep control-he's actually distancing himself from me, and in trying NOT to let go-he's actually pushing me further from him....
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Old 03-04-2010, 04:48 AM
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I've found that I only have a problem 'letting go' when I don't actually have a grip in the first place: when I have a deep emotional bond with someone and we're not in a place to recognize it, and that person is with someone else. (I had a best friend once upon a time, and a mono boyfriend, and... yeah.)

The closest I get to difficulty letting go these days is noticing the moment pass by in which I'm societally expected to have difficulty, wondering for a moment if I'm actually feeling any, not finding any problems, and carrying on with my day. Then again, I'm just as hard-wired to be poly as Mono is to be mono, so it's not "in my genes" to worry about this sort of thing.

How about everyone else?
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