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  #21  
Old 09-05-2013, 11:34 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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I had lovely a lovely meeting and lunch with Kip. We made some plans for my birthday/anniversary, which happen 3 days apart. He was my present to myself Push the boundaries and delve into the world of open relationships. We rarely seem to discuss relationship items or issues, it is so easy.

I have seen prof twice. Various short discussions of relationship issues, mainly what is happening with S that effects what we do.

1) Could I remove one of my food preference items from my okc profile, as S has been asking why he is buying said item.

2) I get to leave a toothbrush, previously not allowed. He bought it up as I forgot my toothbrush again and he said I could have another new spare and leave it in the holder under the sink. I will not go into the details here, it makes S look super weird.

3) I mentioned that all these rules about minutiae coupled with veto make seeing him an uncomfortable experience sometimes. He agreed, said he would not be happy under similar circumstances, but appreciated that I did not go on about them.

4) S had been questioning his neighbors and female visitors, so we had to be "hyper vigilant about bonus nights". He spoke to her about "spying", this is an on going issue.

5) S is trying to get sleep overs removed from the list of permissible activities. He said he would not allow this to happen and is one thing he will really put his foot down about it.

This did not all happen at one time, he bought up these little snippits now and then during conversation.

At the mention of the no more sleepovers I drew a mental line in the sand in my head. I get that their open relationship rules are really about limiting outside partners to FBs.

Right at the beginning I said I was not looking for that. I am not prepared to do dinner and fuck. He said he wasn't looking for that, he had been up until recently (this was back in March/April) but had decided to cut out the sex partners (about 6 of them) and focus on on or two meaningful relationships. Turning over a new leaf kind of thing.

I did not say last night that the sleepovers would be the last straw, it is up to him to stand firm over it or not. I am not going pressure him. But I did say that their rules are their rules and govern their relationship, not ours. I will respect what he asks me to do in his home and in public and in no way deliberately create waves but neither am I going to let them limit my actions.
His birthday is coming up just after mine, I have a super gift idea and gifts are not allowed under their rules, well phooey to that...burn it in the bbq if you want.

There's a contradiction, not deliberately make waves but go ahead and buy him a gift. Oh crap.

Change of subject. Yo disappeared mid-text scheduling conversation on Saturday with a "BRB". He reappeared yesterday. It was a family medical emergency. Ms Impatient here, was all for cutting him off at the knees.

No plans were finalized to see him this week. I really don't think we should restart the relationship. We are on such different pages.
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  #22  
Old 09-09-2013, 01:22 AM
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Feeling done with Prof. I can't believe I changed my okc profile to keep an unseen 3rd party happy. I have changed it back. I'm too embarrassed to write about another thing. And if that is the case then I really need to look at what I am doing.

Kip has had the same 3 rules since day one. I agreed to them back then and haven't argued them since.

Prof's goal posts are moving on a regular basis, mainly as S comes up with something new. I thought we were moving towards a weekend away not cancelling overnights entirely. ( and in the beginning he bought up the possibility of vacations, neglecting to mention the one night rule ). I sat in the car the other day in order to avoid meeting one of his neighbours, he must have thought I was rude. I didn't know what to do. So I am changing me to try and avoid the veto for ridiculous infractions that I don't even know exist.

Time to put on my big girl knickers and have a talk. Maybe it will be as simple as not going round to his anymore
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  #23  
Old 09-10-2013, 02:09 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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I have a series of assignments to do for class. I sent out the questionnaire for the first one to a cross-section of folks, those who met me through work, only know me at work, and those who met me from outside work.

All of those who know me socially initially replied with, but you have 2 personalities, which one am I writing about? Interesting. Once we established that professionally I got a clean sweep , I said, "Answer how you will and I will work it out during the write up." I did not ask for explanations, there were no spaces for comments, though a couple added them anyway.

Kip completed one for me. Exactly the same answers as one of my BFFs. When I saw him today he offered to explain, I said that was not necessary, he insisted.
So we went through it line by line.

Most poly/relationship applicable point... He sees me as self-doubting when it comes to personal relationships and decisions. He sees me second guessing a lot of sound decisions. "You do not stick with your gut instinct."

I agree, not news, but something I need to keep in the forefront of my mind. Let's take Yo, broken up with him twice and still was contemplating restarting with him.

I gather the info, process, make a decision, then get all wishy-washy about it.

This does not happen at work, I am great at establishing and maintaining boundaries. No self-doubt, strong convictions in what I am doing. The physical and emotional safety of others and myself depends on it.

Romantic relationships... argh. Why do it lose it there?

Worried about hurting feelings? Doubt that I have acquired all the pertinent information? That makes sense, thinking as I am writing here. At work, I KNOW this is what needs to be done, it needs to be done quickly, no time to ponder the choice.

In relationships I am easily persuaded because there is information coming in about other peoples feelings and thoughts that probably I didn't factor into my decision, therefore my judgment is not sound, therefore I cave. Or I say, "let me have a think about it," then cave.


Time to re-read previous posts and see if I am onto something.
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Last edited by Atlantis; 09-10-2013 at 03:01 AM. Reason: typos
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  #24  
Old 09-11-2013, 10:43 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Suggested, by text, that I don't have sleepovers at Prof's house as it "causes upset". His response, he is not concerned and has put clean sheets on the bed.
Damn. Now I need to go into why?

Add to this, he is very busy at work and is not going to celebrate S's birthday till he catches up. I said that was unkind and she would be disappointed.

Apparently her response is for him to "cut-off all dating." to make time. Erm, that would be me.

Still, I think birthdays are important enough to make time for, even if my metamour wants me gone, gone, gone, doesn't mean I can't empathize.


In his defense he said no to not seeing me.

Next time around, if metamours don't want to meet me then I will be very cautious.
I have no contact with Kip's wife at all but that seems ok. He shares the when and were he sees me and that is it. No details. I have seen texts.

I don't understand Prof and S's relationship. She clearly would prefer him to be mono, but is the one who wanted an open relationship as she her previous relationships had been.

So plan for tonight; reiterate the sleepover discomfort and ask for some specific reasons why I am perpetually up for the axe.

Let's try on self-assured!

Yo reappeared via text after only brief contact in the past 2 weeks. I replied. sigh.
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Last edited by Atlantis; 09-11-2013 at 10:44 PM. Reason: errant apostrophes
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  #25  
Old 09-13-2013, 12:25 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Last night's chat update. I must admit I asked 3 questions and got a barrage of info.

The birthday celebrations weren't to be cancelled entirely, he suggested a weekend, not the usual week vacation. That didn't go down too well.

The rules are, indeed, designed for FB type hook-ups. Relationships, as basically defined, are not allowed. Therefore, no buying food or drink items for the FB, FBs don't leave stuff at the houses etc.

S wants Prof to have FBs too, that is what she has, he doesn't want FBs, there is a disconnect that they are working on.

He and I are not in a "relationship", we have a "connection". A relationship would be grounds for a veto. Semantics

He will not allow a veto for anything less than major crazy behavior on my behalf. On this he is firm.

She wants to cancel overnights, he does not, it is up for discussion.

I have not done anything to warrant the sword of Damocles, there are no complaints from S about my behavior. When she gets insecure or jealous she vetoes. He will no longer allow this to be a reason for veto.

He wants to protect his primary relationship and to do that he does not share everything that he and I do out of concern it will become a rule item.

The variety of activities that we do would cause jealousy, even just him teaching me to the ride scooter would cause issues as those are relationship type activities. So should S and I ever speak he wants me to be aware of things that would cause issue. therefore, all the warnings.

I got it. Seems fair enough.

I enjoyed the bit about connections and how the relationship/connection line was blurring for him He wants to continue the "connection", enjoys the "connection", the "connection" is important to him. Our time together is something he looks forward too.

He reiterated that he was hoping that the rules would have slackened off by now but was taking it one step at a time. Gave me a big hug and said he hoped I didn't want to stop seeing him.

Then we had some great play
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  #26  
Old 09-15-2013, 05:07 PM
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I met someone of OKC last night. We started emailing in the morning, progressed to a phone call by lunch time and met in the evening.
He is single, divorced and looking for someone to do things with, museums, local hikes etc. Works in a not dissimilar field to me, studying. Lots in common.
Got me thinking...
Here I am at the weekend with no partner to do things with. Both Kip and Prof are off-limits at the weekend. And to be fair, they both told me this in the beginning.
So my question to myself...should I try to fit new people around the existing relationships or fit old relationships around the new?
What do I want? I want someone to go out with. That has been my aim since divorce.
I am in 2 hierarchical relationships, no doubt I am secondary in both. They fit me in around their primary relationships.
It hits me most at the weekend, I see friends and do things with them of course, but on Sundays folks go do things with spouses and family.
I have no family this side of the planet and while I can and do take myself off to do things, wouldn't be nicer to have someone to share it with?
I am not NREing over OKC guy or anything, it just got me thinking that it is maybe time to make Kip and Prof less of a priority, and for me to be more open to meeting someone with similar activity interests and time.
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  #27  
Old 09-16-2013, 03:42 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Go out with new OKC guy! Have fun! Go out with other people, too! You can see Kip and Prof when you have time for them. You know that saying, it goes something like this: "Don't make someone a priority who makes you an afterthought." Seriously, be with people who say yes to life, and to you, and who appreciate you and your time!

You want to go out and do fun things with someone -- you won't get that as a secondary to a married guy who can't be seen out with you, just comes over to fuck at your place, and has to abide by someone else's schedule and rules. So make your own rules that say you only hang with people who really enthusiastically make an effort to be with you! Then go out and do fun things with someone! Date! If Prof and Kip want your time, they will have to step the fuck up. Don't accept crumbs when you can have a whole tasty meal. Okay, I'm done with the analogies, but you get the picture.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-16-2013 at 03:47 AM.
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  #28  
Old 09-18-2013, 12:36 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Thanks Nyc, I was hoping for an online kick-up the ass!
So I took your advice,5 minutes after I read it, called him, we have set to meet on Friday but no actual plan yet.

Yo started text chat back up and wanted to meet. I told him that my paradigm has shifted and I am not seeing anyone new who does not make me a priority. No more "BTW I have some free time, whatcha doing?' I think he got the message. We might meet up in a couple of weeks to say "hi", but again he didn't actually book the time.

I am not making any huge shifts with Prof and Kip yet. Kip is an easy schedule, but Prof will lose Weds priority if I meet someone who wants to make time for time me on a regular basis. Often Wednesday is the only night I have without my kids.

I am scheduling like crazy at work and it starts to bleed over! Commit to a day and time or get to the back of the line!

But Prof is still scheduled in for tonight. For now!!!!
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  #29  
Old 09-18-2013, 07:35 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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I shouldn't even post. I know that I am in 24 hour hormone overload and all will be fine tomorrow. I have strong emotions leaking out of every pore, and rationality is out of sight.
Saw Prof last night. He bought up okc dating so I said I had meet someone. "How are you going to fit a third in?" I reply with my new dating shift, no more crumbs ' (thanks again nycindie), priority goes to those who make me a priority. The first part is all pretty good.

WelllllllllllllThen it all comes out. S wants to have weekends with her new beau, so that is in negotiation, no way overnights will be taken off the table. He is "frustrated" that we don't see each other enough. Wants to maximize the time on declared dates, wants to schedule a weekend hotel night ( whoo hooo) and wants me to come away for a work weekend. He will cover all costs, nice hotel etc and pay me for my work time. and it will involve physical labour.
The dude is really trying.

Next, how would I label our relationship? This question from a man?
I said "lovers" , he came up with a funny list and then said. "I would call you my secondary but S wouldn't like that, so I agree with lover."
Then a lot about the strong emotional connection he has with me.

I was gobsmacked, possibly all the girly hormones flying free??????? Are they infectious?

I will need to look up multiple definitions of secondary to see which one I like best

Also some interesting comments about how I would not make a good mono, the door is opened, you like variety and very high expectations for sex. Hard to see where one person could match all that. Doesn't want to know who I am dating, just that I am practicing safer sex.

Which reminds, Frankendates. Will explore that later.

Then Yo starts with the texts, will continue that later. Lots of later. Should be studying
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  #30  
Old 09-20-2013, 12:21 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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I saw Kip. We had a lovely time. He sexed me out of my funk, lots of fun. Nothing like some rolling orgasms to improve one's mood.
As we were getting ready to leave, I thought; I love you but I am not going to say it, because you might misunderstand what I mean.
Mouth said, " I was going to say I love you, but I don't think you'd understand what I meant, so I'm not going to."
His response, " I love you too, I know what you mean. You are very special to me."

I am not quite sure what surprised me more, me and the " I love you" or him and the " I love you, too." It just popped out. I had not thought about it, weighed up the pros and cons, analyzed what I thought love meant. Just blurrrgh, out it came.

Contrary to my usual analytical style, I am not going to pull it apart. It is what it is. I care deeply for him, enjoy his company immensely, appreciate him answering my never ending questions with patience and humor, and there are so many questions related to my classes. I think what touched me most yesterday was a friend of his returned to the home country and Kip asked him to bring back some of my favorite treats. The friend forgot but I was moved that Kip asked him on my behalf.

Love is the short word that expressed all those feelings. All good
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