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  #31  
Old 09-12-2013, 06:38 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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You are making the issue very black and white.

You said this occurred when your relationship was fairly new and that she already had established a sexual relationship with him. Can you not see where that might be confusing to her? Sure you're single, you're into making commitments to her, and she to you (obviously, because here you are). Perhaps that date had already been scheduled, but she is really starting to be into you and worried you will freak the fuck out. After all, she doesn't know you as well then as she does now.

One instance in a relationship where the agreements are in the process of being hashed out WHILE AT THE SAME TIME OVERLAPPING A PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHP, ALSO IN THE DEVELOPMENT PHASE, does not exactly scream habitual liar. Bad judgment perhaps.

If you go at her with accusations or a desire to test her, you are probably going to fuck up what you've got over something that is old news and happened during transition. Not saying you shouldn't talk to her about, but jeez guy, there are many shades of gray.
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  #32  
Old 09-12-2013, 06:42 PM
seekingclarity seekingclarity is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
You are making the issue very black and white.

You said this occurred when your relationship was fairly new and that she already had established a sexual relationship with him. Can you not see where that might be confusing to her? Sure you're single, you're into making commitments to her, and she to you (obviously, because here you are). Perhaps that date had already been scheduled, but she is really starting to be into you and worried you will freak the fuck out. After all, she doesn't know you as well then as she does now.

One instance in a relationship where the agreements are in the process of being hashed out WHILE AT THE SAME TIME OVERLAPPING A PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHP, ALSO IN THE DEVELOPMENT PHASE, does not exactly scream habitual liar. Bad judgment perhaps.

If you go at her with accusations or a desire to test her, you are probably going to fuck up what you've got over something that is old news and happened during transition. Not saying you shouldn't talk to her about, but jeez guy, there are many shades of gray.
I think I agree with this, which is why I said the testing thing seems manipulative and doesn't feel right. I am leaning toward just talking to her about it straight up. If she gets pissed and walks, so be it.
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  #33  
Old 09-12-2013, 07:30 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Why would she be pissed? She gave you access to her calendar. It's a reasonable question - as long as you approach with the idea that you just want to understand and aren't pissed yourself.
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  #34  
Old 09-13-2013, 04:33 AM
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Originally Posted by seekingclarity View Post
I am leaning toward just talking to her about it straight up.
Yes, this will give you the opportunity to clear the air. An example of this would be your letting her know that you snooped through her emails with the intention of proving her lousy character.

I'm sure you'll feel a bit better about the dishonesty once you come clean.
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  #35  
Old 09-13-2013, 05:38 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Seekingclarity, you come across as very distrustful and suspicious of her. That is not easy to live with.
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  #36  
Old 09-13-2013, 06:46 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default did she give you her password?

it seems a like a little bit of a stretch if all she said was "there is nothing in my emails that you can't read" to be interpreted as "hack into my email account and don't tell me"

it seems much more likely that she meant there isn't any content in her emails that you would be upset about. In my opinion, testing people you are in a close relationship with is not a cool a thing to do. People make mistakes, and are paranoid or a little protective of their heart, I myself am a very cautious person, but it does seem to be standard procedure to leave baited traps for lovers -- which for me is not something I am compatible with -- but as a heads up, if you knew where she kept her passwords for her email (if that is how you got into her account) that is probably one of those "tests" or baited traps set out and it *might* be the case that you just took the bait.

And to be honest, what the hell were you thinking? The calendar deal sounded like you had permission but getting into her email? If you did that to me, and didn't come clean, it would be over, there is nothing worse than having to second guess people you are supposedly close to.

it sounds like maybe you and her were way too vague about what is OK and what is not, you might want to clear that up and be explicit. My introduction to "poly" as opposed to more of what is considered non-monogamy was plagued by way too vague, riddled with abuse of privacy (that went waaaaay beyond reading my emails without my knowledge) and they ended up being the very first person in my life that I ever cut off all contact with, and the only thing I regret is not being smart enough to do so the first time we split up, as I am still dealing with having extremely private, personal information about me being in the possession of people who find it amusing to twist every knife that ever cut at me, often times knifes I never knew were stuck in me, but the world could be filled with people like that and every warm-blooded person out there is worth tuning out an as many cold-blooded as are necessary.

Don't be one of the cold-blooded people who treat others like that, friends don't test their friends like that. A good way to gauge your behavior as appropriate is whether or not you would appreciate it being done to you, if not, don't do it and when you know your "friends" don't view life the way you do than whether or not you appreciate it doesn't mean anything

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 09-13-2013 at 06:51 AM. Reason: typo
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  #37  
Old 09-13-2013, 03:27 PM
seekingclarity seekingclarity is offline
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Yes we exchanged passwords. She has me respond to emails for her and print things off all the time, but no, she has never said "hey feel free to read all of my emails," so yeah I feel a bit lousy.

The rule we established from day 1 was not vague in any way. I typed it above pretty much verbatim: if we are going to be intimate with someone else it must be disclosed, no exceptions.

I had no reason to be suspicious that she was dishonest until running across that calendar entry, which was completely accidental.

I am just going to talk to her, not to be accusative or angry or to test her, just seek clarity.

Last edited by seekingclarity; 09-13-2013 at 03:35 PM.
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  #38  
Old 09-13-2013, 03:35 PM
seekingclarity seekingclarity is offline
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And I agree, feeling like you have to second guess people you are close to sucks. It hurts and feels shitty. That's where I am right now: feeling like I will always be second guessing.

I think I am coming across as the bad guy here, but I just wanted to be frank so I could get frank advice. I'm not looking for sympathy, just clarity from people who have been there. The discovery that she explicitly lied to me about the one thing we both agreed we would never lie about really hurt and I'm still struggling with it.
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  #39  
Old 09-13-2013, 04:59 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default I know, it's one of the worst things that can happen

besides death of a family member. Just go clear the air, and be grateful that you didn't continue to give the benefit of doubt for years. People make mistakes, it is what they do afterwards that is better to use as a gauge to whether or not they are the kind of people you choose to share your life with.

My situation took place over many years, and the worst part is when they try to make you believe you are crazy. I am paranoid as it is, so I couldn't deal with mind fuckers who would lie over something as stupid as sex. There is a lot more to it than that, but for you and your relationship there is still time to fix what was wrong

I believe it is always best no to wait, as I believe little things like those secrets will cause you to lash out at each other and it just gets harder and harder to be honest about the underlying problem. When it comes to people I am close with, I am like a truth nazi, I cannot be close to people I need to second guess. Everybody lies sometimes, being honest is a practice, and I don't have time for people in my life that don't practice honesty. In Our Life, we go back when we realize we weren't honest. It is important to US, most people would never know it because lying to each other is not severe, it's lying letting US believe it that WE don't deal well with.
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