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Old 02-25-2010, 01:33 AM
Kuma Kuma is offline
New Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 3
Default Boundary/jealousy issues

I'm in my first poly relationship and everything was going swimmingly until recently.

I was nervous about meeting my gf's other partners because despite the fact that I've always been casual about sex I've never told someone "I love you" with the knowledge that they are sleeping with other people regularly. Eventually I did meet them, and I love them. Great guys and girls. I have had some brief liasons during the time we've been dating, but no serious partners besides my gf.

More recently one of her other partners also became her roommate. Now if I go to see her, I always wind up spending time with him as well. That's not terrible, but she doesn't like driving and we live a half hour apart; so it's rare that she spends time at my place. Recently my car was destroyed and I'm now using a bicycle as a primary transport. This means that my opportunities to come see her are more restricted than ever, and I almost always have to hang out with the other partner.

I'm a typical guy on the issue of threesomes. I don't mind more women in the room, but men creep me out on a very fundamental level. I've given it a lot of thought and I just don't think it's something I'm going to get past. I know that it's a fantasy of my gf's to be with two men at once, and I know that the partner she lives with would be willing. I'm finding it increasingly uncomfortable, at one point showing up to her house (expected) and starting to wake her up with oral sex only to have her push me away with the explanation that she had sex recently and hadn't cleaned up yet. Another time she started to give me oral sex while the other partner was off checking the mail, but tried to keep going when we heard him coming back. I've broached the topic with her to say that, essentially, I have no interest in my sex life ever coming into direct contact with another man's sex life (or presence). I think that issue is laid to rest, but a couple of incidents like the ones above have made it stick in my head pretty much all the time.

The other issue is that she recently had an ex die, and despite having hated him she has been suffering over his memory. I can't blame her for that, and don't want to (I think it's sweet), but she has been so busy with job hunting and grieving (for a guy she actively despised when he was alive) that I haven't seen her in over two weeks. I am frankly a good deal more occupied than she is with a week jam-packed full of classes and social obligations but I manage to send her a text or email every couple days to keep in touch and make sure she's okay. I haven't gotten anything but a few brief replies, and to be honest my feelings are hurt. It's not even that I want her to leave her comfort zone, I'd find a way to come see her if I could just get in touch and find a good time. I'm a physical guy, hugs brighten my day and sex is nearly as necessary for me as breathing. I've been half-heartedly looking for a local partner to spend time with, but I'm distracted by how much I miss the girl I'm already dating. We get along amazingly, love one another, and she's given no indication that she's unhappy (and she's not the type to bottle it up) so I can't understand how it would be overwhelming to spend 5 minutes writing an email longer than two lines. On top of that, I genuinely want to be there for her while she's feeling bad but I can't if she won't talk to me or give me the opportunity to see her. In the back of my head, I know that her other partners, who live with her or down the street, are seeing her every day and that adds some sting to the whole thing.

I don't want to have a serious "us" talk so soon after the last one (about 1 penis in the room) and I know I can be kinda sensitive for a dude, so I thought I'd ask if people here think I'm overreacting or being clingy. I know that if she wanted to break up she'd just say so but I don't know if there's a point in saying that you're dating someone when you haven't even seen their face in half a month. We kept in better touch while I was overseas for a year. =/

It should be noted that I have baggage like most people. I have abandonment issues and I'm not very good at sharing my feelings (except in an anonymous format, so thanks for this), usually preferring to make a joke and keep things light. This is eating me up. I wouldn't know what to think if a friend was being this distant, much less a lover. BUT. I refuse to be the partner who blows your phone up when they're feeling insecure. I've tried to give her space during a time when she evidently needs it by keeping those emails and so on to a minimum. She seems to be better at handling a lack of me better than I handle a lack of her though, and I don't know how to feel about that.

If this keeps up much longer, I don't know if there's much point in pretending we're something other than friends with benefits. Which is breaking my heart and making it difficult to focus on anything else. Honestly, I don't even know if I want advice as much as I wanted to get this stuff off my chest. And the person I usually go to when I'm feeling conflicted is my gf...

Last edited by Kuma; 02-25-2010 at 01:46 AM.
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