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  #21  
Old 09-13-2013, 04:40 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
How odd.

I understand you only have one lover?
Odd, meaning I am outside the established norm and somehow aberrant? What exactly is odd about my deciding what I do with my own sex drive?

Please explain in detail how my control of my own sex drive as odd.
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  #22  
Old 09-13-2013, 05:18 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default I can't speak for Magdlyn

but do you honestly have trouble understanding the meaning behind her assertions?

Or is it simply an aggressive style of debating in attempt to maintain an advantage or upperhand in the flow of conversation of the thread?

It reads like a technique taught to used car salesman

There isn't anything right or wrong about any style or dynamic that personally works for you and your partners, but do the questions and the details put forth by the OP honestly sound like those suggestions are going to help?

It seemed like he was saying he is having trouble adjusting to non-monogamy, specifically the sex aspects of it as he it sounds like his wife already has a close relationship with a another, just that right now they are abstaining from sex, does it honestly sound like

"Psh, I do what I want with my sex drive. Someone being 'upset' because they aren't getting their fair share needs to realize that life isn't fair... and that I am not a commodity they have stock in. "

is going to help this person who is coming here saying "here's my problem, any advice?"

Again, I can't speak for Magdlyn, but it sounds like nobodies is saying whatever works for your relationships is aberrant, odd or even wrong, however it would be for the situation the OP is describing, at least it sounds like it to me. Not that you are wrong, or that it doesn't work for your partners to take that approach with their concerns, but it does sound a little odd to me unless I am not seeing the bigger picture and maybe what the OP needs at this time is thicker skin and everything will be fine

I don't know, just my point of view anyway

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 09-13-2013 at 05:20 AM. Reason: typo
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  #23  
Old 09-13-2013, 05:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Dirtclustit View Post
There isn't anything right or wrong about any style or dynamic that personally works for you and your partners, but do the questions and the details put forth by the OP honestly sound like those suggestions are going to help?

It seemed like he was saying he is having trouble adjusting to non-monogamy, specifically the sex aspects of it as he it sounds like his wife already has a close relationship with a another, just that right now they are abstaining from sex, does it honestly sound like

"Psh, I do what I want with my sex drive. Someone being 'upset' because they aren't getting their fair share needs to realize that life isn't fair... and that I am not a commodity they have stock in. "

is going to help this person who is coming here saying "here's my problem, any advice?"
Dirtcluster, Marcus addressed his comment to gorgeouskitten, not the OP. See:
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
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Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
i think J would be pretty upset if Nudge got the majority of that and he got the short end of the stick.
Psh, I do what I want with my sex drive. Someone being 'upset' because they aren't getting their fair share needs to realize that life isn't fair... and that I am not a commodity they have stock in.
Really, a person keeping a tally of which lover their partner has sex with most and getting upset if they are getting less than their partner's other partner does, seems rather possessive to me, especially if they feel entitled to use their upset to control their partner's behavior. Sure, if they feel left out or dismissed, they need to deal with that, but their partner's body and sex drive isn't a commodity to compete for.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-13-2013 at 05:32 AM.
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  #24  
Old 09-13-2013, 07:27 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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You want a sex calendar? That sounds romantic



Honestly, get used to being pissed if she is taking on a new lover. Consider for a second how likely it is that you would want to have sex with someone you are hot and bothered for, all tied up in puppy love... pretty likely, right? Would you even want to have sex with them to a higher degree than this person you've been shagging 3-4 times per week for the past X years?

The answer is, hell yes!! That is one of the joys of polyamory, you get to enjoy the unbridled pleasures of new love while still having the love for the person you had before. It's a best of both worlds sort of scenario.

It *does* have the drawback of leaving your other partner perhaps less satisfied than they would prefer... at least for a period of time. But hey, that's what masturbation and other lovers are for!

none of it sounds like anything that would work for any sort of NRE remedy, but that's beside the point, debates and discussions are great however it often seems a little aggressive to always be in full debate mood (asking for a deeper explanation of criticism when not seeking clarity but rather to discount what seemed fairly clear)

I have no problem with different opinions or even opposite opinions, I might be off base or oversensitive but just throwing my two cents in because when people seek advice for problems with "opening up" my philosophy is such that it is not the best time to make sure they are "tough enough" emotionally
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  #25  
Old 09-13-2013, 12:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Dirtclustit View Post
it often seems a little aggressive to always be in full debate mood (asking for a deeper explanation of criticism when not seeking clarity but rather to discount what seemed fairly clear)
Perhaps you perceived the manner in which he asked as aggressive, but Marcus seems to just have a pretty direct style of communication, period. I have no trouble believing that he wanted to clarify what was "odd" before inferring what it is himself, responding with that in mind, and having that not be what Magdlyn meant at all (if you truly were trying to be a douche, though, Marcus, please let us know... ).

That said, I've never run across a Relationship Anarchist in my own life (or don't know if I have), and I do find some of his thoughts on the subject matter odd. Not bad. Just a different, more independent, solo-focused, way of looking at relationships that doesn't really work for me in general (although I do mull it over sometimes to maybe pull out some specific pieces that would be good for us and our relationship - or good for me).

As for the OP, I don't know - I consider myself lucky in that P has a pretty high sex drive (it is soooooo funny to hear him whine about being tired from too much sex, and he admits as much), so our sex life doesn't suffer from his sex life with M1. If it did, yes, I'd probably be annoyed. Not out of a desire or need to control his sex life, but because I wouldn't be getting enough, dammit (masturbation only goes so far, and doesn't cover the emotional aspect of sex), and it would be worth a talk.

What I wouldn't say is, "keep your pecker in your pants until we have sex." Instead, I'd try to find a way to bring the mojo back to us, regardless of what's going on elsewhere.
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  #26  
Old 09-13-2013, 12:55 PM
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NewHusband - regarding your wife's sex drive, like Magdlyn said, it probably had to do with cycling. I myself tend to have a pretty distinct cycle (at least, I've started to notice in the last few months, as breastfeeding the last baby is finally winding down) wherein during ovulation I want sex about 4 times a day for about half a week, then I have the whole pms emotional mess, and period, and then I'm really not that interested for a couple weeks. Which doesn't mean I don't have sex for those weeks, just that I'm not ambushing Guy out of a shower, before work, after work, etc and it's usually him initiating maybe every few days or so. So I completely get how your wife might not know if she wants sex - basically, I will be all - 'meh' about it if asked during the not interested time span, but if something happens that sparks interest (either Guy doing or saying something that triggers it, or me reading erotica, or something) then I'm good to go. Maybe ask her if there are things that trigger her interest that you could do when you're in the mood and see if that doesn't get things going?

Regarding not being happy with her having sex with someone else I can see that being hard to work through - Guy is currently working through how he feels with me now dating Morp, and so far, Morp and I have not had sex, but I'd like to in the future. So I don't have much advice on that, just that, I'm glad she's willing to wait and move slowly with her OSO until you can work through your feelings on that and be more comfortable.
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  #27  
Old 09-13-2013, 02:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Psh, I do what I want with my sex drive. Someone being 'upset' because they aren't getting their fair share needs to realize that life isn't fair... and that I am not a commodity they have stock in.



That's a win win for everyone. Hooray for indiscriminate sex drives!!
Hooray in deed marcus, hooray in deed. AS to the first part, yeah your probably right. Im sure youve noticed by now i get really protective of J's feelings (it has to do with our long and sorted past) and in fact, maybe he doesnt even feel that way.
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  #28  
Old 09-13-2013, 02:54 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Dirtcluster, Marcus addressed his comment to gorgeouskitten, not the OP. See:


Really, a person keeping a tally of which lover their partner has sex with most and getting upset if they are getting less than their partner's other partner does, seems rather possessive to me, especially if they feel entitled to use their upset to control their partner's behavior. Sure, if they feel left out or dismissed, they need to deal with that, but their partner's body and sex drive isn't a commodity to compete for.
I feel like i should clarify what I had said, I was trying to say to the OP that if he was feeling his sexual needs were being neglected while his spouse is meeting both hers and someone elses, yeah that kinda sucks. Though the answer isnt neccessarily to try to "make" wife have any more sex with him, but maybe find is own partner or at least tell wife that he would desire more sex. I was encouraging him to get his needs met, but was also just curious he he would feel in the situation, whether right or wrong. i know a lot of men get touchy about sex
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  #29  
Old 09-13-2013, 05:19 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Originally Posted by YAH
Perhaps you perceived the manner in which he asked as aggressive, but Marcus seems to just have a pretty direct style of communication, period. I have no trouble believing that he wanted to clarify what was "odd" before inferring what it is himself, responding with that in mind, and having that not be what Magdlyn meant at all (if you truly were trying to be a douche, though, Marcus, please let us know... ).

Nobody else seems to have a problem with it, which means it's just me, as I don't see words as direct, but closer to passive aggressive by using subtle references coupled with pretending not to understand what another member has said or meant.

Great for a debate team, but a little dominating for me not to say anything, especially when I feel his assertions are based on flawed philosophy. It's one thing to be right, but another entirely to simply use a sales technique and always *sound* as if you are right, but in truth just ignoring the facts.

It's not something that's wrong are needs to change, and even if I thought it was, if I am the only one with a problem, then it isn't anything Marcus is doing, it's me. He generally invites open criticism and it just didn't seem like he could take what he was dishing out, so I said something
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  #30  
Old 09-13-2013, 06:00 PM
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Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
I was encouraging him to get his needs met, but was also just curious he he would feel in the situation, whether right or wrong.
I understand being bummed that I'm not getting what I want. When I go without sex or affection (or whatever it is that I want) from my partner for longer than I'd like, I certainly have the right to think "well this sucks". I also need to be more proactive in getting whatever it is I want from my partner, or find some other outlet which is more apt to give it to me.

Either way, it's my business and if I want to feel satisfied I need to figure out how to make that happen without prompting anyone to behave toward me in a way that isn't genuine.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
i know a lot of men get touchy about sex
Generally speaking, men certainly like to have sex, if that's what you mean - but so do women.
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