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Old 02-24-2010, 03:34 PM
Saffer Saffer is offline
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Default Please help

I'm so confused that I don't realy know where to start. I met this guy on line. We have know eadh other for 2 and a half years, He has a gf been living with her for 4 yrs now. I allowed myself to delevop feelings for him. And he said he has for me too.His gf knew about me.
Any way I came to stay with them, on both of their having invited me for a week to test the waters so to speak.
First week went ok. sort of. I'm so very jealous of her and she says she is of me too. first few days i'd sleep in a room on my own, but have sex with him when she was at work. She didnt like this and said she'd rather we do it in front of her. so that turned into a threesome, which although was ok not ideally my thing. I had oral sex with her, then he had sex with both of us. Then they insisted i sleep on their room, which i did, with him sleeping on my bed, which we had put in their room ,and i in with her. i said i wanted to sleep with him too,(i am a huge cuddler and love to sleep plastered up against my partner, in fact i dont sleep well and this way i get better sleep), and she has him when i;m back home, so she slept on my bed and i slept on their bed with him.
we all lay on the bed together watching a movie before settling down for the night.
They talk of me as part of the family, and of us getting a house together and living as one.
I am here again for a week and this time i insisted i sleep on my bed again. had this stupid idea i wanted to watch them sleeping together. not sex but how they cuddle and stuff. and i'm so jealous because i want to be there not her.
Can you see where I'm at?

every night since i have been here this time she wants to sleep on my bed, then he said rotate that hurt so much. i dont want 1 night out of 3 i want every night !!!! So stupid stubborn me thinks i need to distance myself from him, want to kill these feeling i have for him, so i been on my bed, and my heart is breaking and i bearly speak to either of them and i dunno what to do about the situation,
i dont want to lose him and living together as a family sounds good because i get a female friend and she gets one in me.
she is willing to share him, so why do i find it so hard??
i seem to be the only one with the problem, and i dunno who else to talk to, he says them but it all seems so petty and i feel small. so can't
i dont care about the sex. i just want to be able to cuddle up to the man i love every night and when the demons chase me, have some one to hold on too.
So very sad, just want to go home, climb into my bed, put my blanket over my head, cry myself to sleep and never wake up. wipe him out my life but both ask me to try. I just need to find a way to deal with the hurt i feel.
he wants me to sleep cuddled up to her on the nights i spend in the bed with her if we do the rotation, but its not the same ffs. i like her but love him.
when we watch tv at night he tries to put me in the middle.

I know there is many things that need to be sorted out hoping i get some advice from ppl on here.

Last edited by Saffer; 02-24-2010 at 03:42 PM. Reason: Added some
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  #2  
Old 02-24-2010, 04:05 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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It sounds like you might be happier if you found a boyfriend you could have to yourself.

I'm sure other people here might say the same thing using a lot more words.

Only you know whether this sleeping arrangement is something you "need" in a relationship or something that you are going through as part of NRE and an adjustment period.

Make sure you are being honest with yourself. It is possible to fool others but no matter what kind of relationship you are in or who else you are in it with, you still have to live with yourself. That is the one thing that does not change from day to day.
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Old 02-24-2010, 04:30 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Location: New England USA
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Default Well..........

Hi Staffer,

My aren't YOU a greedy little thing ! <grin>
I'd look into that first Call a spade a spade and decide if that's a characteristic you wish to embrace and be proud of.

Beyond that, as Ygirl hinted at - polyamory is NOT for everyone. And that totally ok. But you have to be honest with yourself on that count too. It's work. LOTS of work, depending on the ideals and preconceptions you gathered growing up.

If you study polyamory and believe it's a better way to live in the world - then you also have to be prepared to do that work. But it's not for the shallow or a quick fix for getting what you want. The idea is to give as much as you receive. And maybe more.

Suggest you do some thinking.............

GS
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Old 02-24-2010, 04:52 PM
Saffer Saffer is offline
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I do nothing but think, then i huRT Thats what's i have to deal with but dunno how. I am not in this so i can have sex with different ppl, in fact if i never have sex again I wouldnt care, but some one to love. I like her, we get on well, and if it wasnt for these feelings things would be prefect. I get 2 ppl to be in my life. Of that I'm so glad. But.... the jealousy
dunno how she can watch him hug and kiss me and be ok with it, i feel guilty on her behalf and so hold back.
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Old 02-24-2010, 05:06 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Saffer View Post
I get 2 ppl to be in my life. Of that I'm so glad. But.... the jealousy
Are these the ONLY two people in your life? You may want to re-examine your reasons for being in this particular relationship. You might also want to proceed with caution when it comes to "creating a family" with an already-established couple. What are THEIR expectations? Are they "adding you to their relationship" or trying to have you fill some role in a certain type of geometry? It sounds like you have an interest in the guy and are willing to put up with his girlfriend because it's the "price" you have to pay to be with him, and it sounds like they have this vision of everything being "equal".

I don't know any of you but it sounds like you would be happier in some other situation. You need to decide if the benefits of this arrangement outweigh the disadvantages. From where I am observing, it appears as though you are trying to extract something from this relationship dynamic that just isn't there. I hate to "assume" but reading between the lines of your post, I get the impression that deep down you are hoping they will break up and you'll get the guy all to yourself.
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  #6  
Old 02-24-2010, 05:17 PM
Saffer Saffer is offline
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I know they will never break up and tbh i'd walk away before that happened. I would prefer a mono relationship, but i'm to fcuked up from being married to an extremely abuse man for 30 yrs, all i want now is love and affection, some one to do things with. The way i look at this is i get 2 for the price of one. I just need advice on how to deal with the jealousy. I have grown children who have their own lives and i'm now looking for my place in the world.
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  #7  
Old 02-24-2010, 06:40 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Hi -

Everyone is right, this is not for everyone. If you really do want to work through this, you need to work on yourself first. Jealousy is usually rooted in feelings in the jealous person.

Check this reading out: http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolyjealousy.html, http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolyrefrigerator.html, http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolypiano.html.

Have you gotten any personal counseling for yourself? That is a really important step from moving on from abuse and regaining your personal identity and power back. Maybe that would be a good first step. Check out the local community in your area for counselors that are more affordable.

good luck

RS
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Old 02-25-2010, 12:25 AM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Saffer View Post
I do nothing but think, then i huRT Thats what's i have to deal with but dunno how. I am not in this so i can have sex with different ppl, in fact if i never have sex again I wouldnt care, but some one to love. I like her, we get on well, and if it wasnt for these feelings things would be prefect. I get 2 ppl to be in my life. Of that I'm so glad. But.... the jealousy
dunno how she can watch him hug and kiss me and be ok with it, i feel guilty on her behalf and so hold back.
Hi Saffer,

I can feel your emotion - I truly can.
What you are experiencing is both jealousy AND envy.
Envy that she has something you would love to have in the way of her relationship.
Jealousy (a fear based trigger) - fear of losing what small piece you have so far.

Please accept this with the kindness that's intended.
You have a LOT of work to do - on YOU.
You can't expect to be in a healthy relationship until YOU are healthy yourself. Focus on that priority first. Foundation before roof.

Being needy is not an attractive quality except to a predator. Sounds like you don't need more of that.
Many loving people would recognize your current condition and desire to reach out & help. But you have to have a goal and be part of that process too. To work on your own strength and self sufficiency (emotionally & physically). If not it will fall apart.

We're all here to help in any way we can so feel free to keep communications flowing. But get to work girl

{{hugs}}

GS
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