Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 09-11-2013, 05:14 PM
jetta9502 jetta9502 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 10
Default my world has tuned upside down

I don't even know where to start, my world has shattered in front of me. I never have regrets in my life. but to day I regret becoming poly. my husband and I are most likely separating. we have been together for 10 years. he is my world. I don't know how to live without him.

he just says that cant see me unhappy anymore. and I have been unhappy. because I don't feel that he loves me anymore. the way he looks at her, and kisses her and loves her. I don't get that anymore and its hard. its hard to watch him love someone else and not love me.

I started seeing this lesbian couple and they make me happy. they love me and give me attention. the attention I desire so much from him

So now what do I do? I really don't know. sometimes I feel as I should just lay down and die. because I cannot live without him. my heart is truly broken into a million pieces and I don't know how to handle this.

sorry I know this is long just got so much hurt I needed to write it out.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 09-11-2013, 08:54 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 683
Default

I am sorry.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 09-11-2013, 09:39 PM
Nudge's Avatar
Nudge Nudge is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 27
Default

It sounds like what you are going through is awful, and my heart goes out to both you and your husband.

If I were to say something you should do, it would be to have some good, clear communication of the situation with your husband. Something is wrong with the picture you drew of the problem you are sharing in your relationship.

"he just says that cant see me unhappy anymore."
"..I have been unhappy. because I don't feel that he loves me anymore."

This seems circular. Either you are unhappy because of something other than the lack of love from him, or he is wanting out of the relationship because of something other than your unhappiness. Otherwise, I could just advise you to 'be happy' and everything would be just fine.

Regardless of how this works out for the two of you, you owe it to yourselves to really talk about what it pulling you apart. I don't think it will be easy, but it will help you both heal.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 09-12-2013, 12:36 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,557
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jetta9502 View Post
I don't even know where to start, my world has shattered in front of me. I never have regrets in my life. but to day I regret becoming poly. my husband and I are most likely separating. we have been together for 10 years. he is my world. I don't know how to live without him.
My sympathies for your pain. Maybe it's temporary and all is not lost! When did you decide to open up and why? How long has he been seeing new gf? It's probably NRE stage still, new relationship energy, and should die down in 6-18 months. Do a tag search here for NRE.

Quote:
he just says that cant see me unhappy anymore. and I have been unhappy. because I don't feel that he loves me anymore. the way he looks at her, and kisses her and loves her. I don't get that anymore and its hard. its hard to watch him love someone else and not love me.
Has he actually stopped loving you? Or is he just distracted by something new and shiny?

Quote:
I started seeing this lesbian couple and they make me happy. they love me and give me attention. the attention I desire so much from him...
Yes, OK. NRE again. And be cautious about dating a couple, it can blow up in your face and you could be twice as fucked over.

Quote:
So now what do I do? I really don't know. sometimes I feel as I should just lay down and die. because I cannot live without him. my heart is truly broken into a million pieces and I don't know how to handle this.

sorry I know this is long just got so much hurt I needed to write it out.
Keep writing! Venting helps so much. I know how you feel, I went thru it when my ex h of 20 years fell in love when we opened up. I never expected the intensity of his emotions towards his new partner.

What you can do is talk to your h. Get couples therapy if needed.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 09-12-2013, 12:39 AM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 966
Default

This is Aztriads other profile..

This is the fallout of a unicorn hunting triad gone bad.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 09-12-2013, 01:50 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,288
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jetta9502 View Post
he is my world. I don't know how to live without him... sometimes I feel as I should just lay down and die. because I cannot live without him
Here is a big part of your problem (if not the entire problem, I am not sure); you can live without him in that way where you are a fully functional human. You can live without him in the way that you lived without him before you met him.

This kind of dramatic outlook is not going to prompt you to grow from the situation and be a better person in the long run... it will just help you wallow in your pain. I suggest sticking with language centered more around reality.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 09-12-2013, 08:54 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 431
Default was it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
This is Aztriads other profile..

This is the fallout of a unicorn hunting triad gone bad.


or was it closer to the the opposite side of the recent pendulum swing?

The current accepted perspective -- which young authors have been very vocal about their conclusion -- which essentially pigeon holes all couples who prefer poly-fidelity, as abusive, unrealistic couples and the another human being as a unicorn

ten or fifteen years ago the same situations were pigeon holed, by a nearly identical poly-demographic ( zealous, well intended, authors who believed they had it figured out and could help people with their "correct" style of polyamory) except the characters of the same -- very general situation -- which really shouldn't be pigeon-holed, as a poly couple meets cowgirl/cowboy scenario.

And all the hip, cutting edge advice was nearly opposite in every aspect.

There really is not a poly template that works for all generic dynamics of sexuality, practicing honesty, knowing yourself, being honest with yourself, practicing effective communication AND encouraging people to decide for themselves which style flavor or whatever the current accepted vocabulary is, is really the only way for people to help each other.

when people take up a specific poly-style flag and parade it as the right way to be non-monogamous, poly "communities" are continuing all the ignorant practices and beliefs exhibited by societies which is the reason that still to this day people are afraid to be honest with others about how they interact with others in regards to love and sex.

I am sorry Jetta, there is nothing I can say that would make your situation better, except that I am familiar with what you are going through, and time does make it better. You can't force people to continue trying to make a relationship work, and like Nudge said, ending a relationship with the justification of "can't see you unhappy anymore" is a cop out.

I don't know your situation, but many people make the mistake of letting NRE destroy their existing relationship, which is not at all a loving thing to do.

There are also many people who proclaim "poly" but use it to mask dishonest behavior. Cheating is not poly, and if you really want to get into semantics and splitting hairs, the simple act of not sharing your feelings can be considered cheating and at the same time sharing feelings that are born of purely situational circumstance (like when you are madder than hell at someone) can be abusive

When non-monogamy is anything but hyper-casual, anonymous sex, it is much more complicated than monogamy. It demands an elevated level of maturity than is typically labeled as "adult". It takes honest , compassion for others and a genuine respect for the well being of all involved.

It takes courage to be honest, to trust, and a willingness to do the work that is needed so that it isn't just dumb luck that your poly adventures don't cause break-ups.

Because that is what will happen if you don't do the work, or take advice from people who advise you practice poly their way. It works if you are submitting your will and decision to be subject to their will and desires, otherwise you will never be happy until you trust yourself and your relationships are with those who are conscious, honest, and trustworthy people themselves.

I hope things work out for you, and you should give yourself credit for being brave enough to break tradition, to writing about it here and putting up with being chastised. Feeling like you want to die is temporary, and if your were brave enough to give poly a go, even your relationship is irreparably damaged, people with your level of courage eventually bounce back from it, they always do, and so will you
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 09-12-2013, 12:25 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,557
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
This is Aztriads other profile..

This is the fallout of a unicorn hunting triad gone bad.
Whoops, forgot.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:41 PM.