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Old 09-11-2013, 03:30 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,713
Default *More...so what is the issue?

So, what's the issue!?

From my point there is no issue, only a failure at communication. But, since I failed at it twice I think I might benefit from some outside input.

So, I am entirely new to the whole “kinky” scene. From my standpoint – I am exploring the possibilities but I don't know the etiquette, so I am cautious. (I know that some people see poly as inherently kinky but it doesn't feel that way to me...I've ID'd as poly for decades...it seems vanilla at this point. “Kinky” still means “stuff I don't do” - i.e. if I do it it then in is just “regular” stuff.)

But...I am interested in this rope-play/bondage thing. So I ask if I can watch, I get invited to participate a little, I come back for a little more. This is HOT stuff!

So, I am trying to convey to Dude what I have learned about myself and my reactions to this exposure:

I really liked the “rope” part...but I had a negative reaction to the guy (dude doing the tying) telling me what I could and could not do with “his” girl. (“Not on the lips.”) Now, don't get me wrong – I had no inclination, at all, in any way, to over-ride this or press any boundaries in this case. I was asking for an invitation to THEIR party and have NO say in how they structure their interactions. But, MY personal preference, (as a complete newbie and interloper) would be to hear any restrictions from the mouth of the person that I am interacting with directly. (i.e. if this was a negotiated, on-going “thing” and not a random one-off event).

Dude basically went off on me and told me that I am a horrible person. That that could never happen within the boundaries of a D/s dynamic and that she CAN'T be the one to tell me what the boundaries are – and that I am asking someone to break their contract by even communicating with me. Whoa, Nelly! From my perspective, I am simply observing my reactions and what my preferences would be. I really don't understand where the vehemence is coming from.

I talked to my girl, VV, and she understood where I was coming from. So I tried again with Dude, same response. So, I see a couple of possibilities here – a.) other people are allowed to have their preferences but I am NOT (which seems weird) b.) there are unbreakable tenets of BDSM of which I am unaware (which is entirely possible – but negotiation would seem to be one of them) c.) Dude is familiar with a model of BDSM that is not universal (which seems the most likely explanation to me – seeing as how he was exposed to the lifestyle without being a part of it, per se)

Comments welcome. (I don't ever want to upset someone's dynamic, but I do want to be able to express my own comfort levels/preferences...is there a way to do both...or should I just bow out of the whole "kinky" scene now before I upset someone?)

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (5+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 09-11-2013 at 03:35 AM.
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