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  #261  
Old 09-10-2013, 08:38 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
I've told people, friends, just because it can be obvious that I am seeing two different people and I don't want them to think I am cheating. Work situations can be different if you have one of those kind of jobs where they like to control your life like I do. It doesn't seem that you have one of those jobs and so I guess you could tell people just so you can be natural with one another. Being different is sometimes a cause for people to isolate you though, out of fear more than anything. If you, like many people do, gain a lot of social interaction through their colleagues, you might want to be really selective with who you tell. It might not be worth the fallout.
Well this case was someone from a different floor/company, Nudge and I have already experienced the fall out in our own office, we almost got fired actually. There is now a policy in place for coworkers dating, but we have faced a lot of judgement from people for being married and dating, luckily its cooled down recently
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  #262  
Old 09-10-2013, 08:50 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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P and I have some mutual friends, however, that just took it horribly. I'm the victim. He's the user.
I hear you! J gets this because i have an LTR with Nudge and J currently doesnt have anyone, though not by choice. but he gets the "oh...so your wife has a boyfriend?" im also always surprised when i tell people we are open (which like you said, using poly seems to be loaded) and they ask if J is "allowed" to date or Im just using him and having Nudge. dear god, of coruse J can date if he so chooses.

Another building person who sees me outside started questioning be about nudge "is he married? whats his wife do? do they have kids?" and im pretty sure its because she has seen us together and Nudge and i dont hide our attraction well. I was tempted to just say yes hes married and yes we're a couple, everyones fine with it. but it felt awkward and i just wasnt sure if it was right
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  #263  
Old 09-10-2013, 09:00 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I tend to make the distinction between friends and acquaintances. I do not share the information with acquintances - among many other things. However, if a person has become someone I consider a friend, then while I might not make a point in telling them, as if it were a confession, I do share if it becomes pertinent to a topic we are discussing. So far everyone has been quite accepting.

That said if I were to misjudge and consider someone a friend who ultimately proves to be judgemental, then this would be a great way to weed them out.
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  #264  
Old 09-10-2013, 09:02 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
I tend to make the distinction between friends and acquaintances. I do not share the information with acquintances - among many other things. However, if a person has become someone I consider a friend, then while I might not make a point in telling them, as if it were a confession, I do share if it becomes pertinent to a topic we are discussing. So far everyone has been quite accepting.

That said if I were to misjudge and consider someone a friend who ultimately proves to be judgemental, then this would be a great way to weed them out.
good policy bookbug. So in my example of the girl i smoke with outside, she can think what she will when i mention Nudge, and perhaps Id tell her if we crossed into actually friends territory?

i find this topic very interesting, I will probably bring it up with Nudge on the way home from work too
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  #265  
Old 09-10-2013, 09:09 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
good policy bookbug. So in my example of the girl i smoke with outside, she can think what she will when i mention Nudge, and perhaps Id tell her if we crossed into actually friends territory?

i find this topic very interesting, I will probably bring it up with Nudge on the way home from work too
Yes. That is how I would handle it. Otherwise it is nobody's business.

I will put this disclaimer in here: being an INTJ (Myers-Briggs personality type), I am not prone to caring about what other people think. Some people care deeply, and s/he might want to use a different strategy.

Also I agree with London about not jeopardizing your job.
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  #266  
Old 09-10-2013, 09:11 PM
london london is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
Well this case was someone from a different floor/company, Nudge and I have already experienced the fall out in our own office, we almost got fired actually. There is now a policy in place for coworkers dating, but we have faced a lot of judgement from people for being married and dating, luckily its cooled down recently
You know, I can imagine that it really strikes fear in people. the married people suddenly wonder if their spouse would want this type of arrangement, and the single people realise that even when they do meet "The One (that they end up marrying and having kids with)", either or both of them might still want/need other people too.
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  #267  
Old 09-10-2013, 09:29 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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I will put this disclaimer in here: being an INTJ (Myers-Briggs personality type), I am not prone to caring about what other people think. Some people care deeply, and s/he might want to use a different strategy.
Back when I took the test (oh, probably going on 15 years ago now, so I'm sure things have changed a bit), I was a very (VERY) firm ESTJ. I have to wonder if I've skewed a bit more toward the 'F' over the years, though.

I was *very* concerned, at first, about how my friends perceived our relationship - I think part of the problem was that *I* was still getting over a lot of my hurdles and couldn't defend myself and my relationship against their points. I'm sure that only served to bolster their case (that I'm a victim) in their minds. At this point, however, I've reached "not giving a shit" status. It feels kinda nice.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #268  
Old 09-10-2013, 11:41 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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We have been only telling a select few people that understand our dynamic. We both feel like we are doing nothing wrong or illegal (here in Canada anyway), and if the conversation comes up, I think we would be happy to discuss it further, though not go into great detail.

The only big issue we have faced so far is that my ex-wife stumbled across my POF account (figured me out pretty quickly as of course she knew me well) and is now threatening to take away my son as I am a sexual deviant...I may I have to go to court at some point to set up some boundaries around her intruding into my private life. Anyone have experience around polyamory in the courts regarding children? Ugh.
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  #269  
Old 09-11-2013, 08:25 AM
twoplus1 twoplus1 is offline
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I we r of the nature feckem nobodies business if i do as the late great billie h. said so if they ask I ask y? they ask something alse again answer with a question I have myself the wife here been one to have a nack of annoying people by always repeating y like my kids did to me upon growing up that I figured eventually they just feck off with a huff a roll of thee eyes and flustered lol..... I don't mince words and dont feel anyone requires any info I don't think they're worthy of as I would not be a' askin well hey there pennywee hows your crack these days as to their reaction would be one of utter disbelief so I must say I do this then if they persist I ask ok so y and y are you pushin ur head so far up me arse I feel hot air I then say b4 reactions o btw is ur hubby or significant other any good in bed or do forsee problems and I walk off b4 rebuttal!!! as an ex lawyer I found most wont dare repeat a rude comment as i make for fear of bein asked what the hell did ya do to piss her off!
Dont know if this helps others less of an offensive side to them but I tell ya never do u get bugged again
As all my life but for an afro folks couldn't figure me out so i still get the where ya fr question and I say from my mum no no where ,from my mum till finally they say no like what country I um earth and my mum not quite a country but well she fecken had one so me mum and planet earth happy! hope nun to rude Slan!
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  #270  
Old 09-11-2013, 02:06 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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I would say be very careful about disclosure at work. It really sucks to feel some responsibility to stand as an example of NOT being everything people would automatically assume "weird poly folk" are likely doing to help move it past discrimination. BUT I just got a little taste of the consequences of that this week. When a position opens up and everyone on your team has said it should go to you, you're the only one who applied to it, you have the most experience and knowledge and yet they pass you over and cannot (will not) give you a reason for why - you just have to remember telling your supervisor how a few months back you need to leave work because your non spousal partner had an accident and in the hospital. You have to remember how another very qualified (and open about being a triad member) person had recently interviewed for a position your company just can't seem to fill, and then was never called back.

Yeah.
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