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  #21  
Old 09-10-2013, 05:55 PM
Coraline Coraline is offline
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I'm all for people stretching themselves, not trying to own their partner, and dealing with their own emotional baggage. That said, I love my husband and would not do something that causes him the kind of upset that you seem to be experiencing. How do my partner and I deal with these kinds of emotional struggles related to being poly? With kindness and support. If he's not ready for me to stay overnight with a bf, I simply don't do it. And if I need periodic text updates, or a phonecall at some point, or any other security blanket, he does it. I don't understand the brutal approach, and would feel deeply hurt if my partner were to tell me to suck it up and deal with my own feelings on my own. Staying overnight with a lover is not the same as staying overnight at a convention, because there's no fear of being replaced by a convention, and your wife's not giving the love and affection to the convention that you wish she were giving you. It's a silly comparison. Staying overnight with a lover is a big fuckin deal to a lot of people, and has its own serious meaning. You're entitled to feel bad and lonely and jealous. A lot of people would.
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  #22  
Old 09-10-2013, 06:18 PM
london london is offline
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If he's not ready for me to stay overnight with a bf, I simply don't do it.
This is probably because you privilege your marriage over all other relationships. What your boyfriend wants is irrelevant, you do what your husband wants you to. Your needs are even secondary to his.

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And if I need periodic text updates, or a phonecall at some point, or any other security blanket, he does it
I think we are all open to help our partners through their little wobbles with things like check ins. The difference with lots of us is that we are not prepared to treat someone else unfairly to help our partner deal with a relationship style they consented to. That's part of being ethical.

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I don't understand the brutal approach, and would feel deeply hurt if my partner were to tell me to suck it up and deal with my own feelings on my own.
That's because you are happy to treat other people badly to maintain your marriage. You believe that regardless of the commitment and obligation your husband has developed with someone else, your feelings should always come first, and if that means interrupting his date with his girlfriend because you feel lonely or sad, so be it. He is your husband, she is just borrowing him, right?

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Staying overnight with a lover is not the same as staying overnight at a convention, because there's no fear of being replaced by a convention, and your wife's not giving the love and affection to the convention that you wish she were giving you
If you truly feel that your relationship is invalidated and threatened by polyamory. If you feel that your partner will replace you with someone else. If you feel that you want your partner to reserve romantic love and affection for you alone. If you don't want things like overnights with other people to be a part of your relationship, then be monogamous or swing or something. You see, polyamory is about having multiple romantic relationships - loving more than one person - it's about having girlfriends, wives, husbands, boyfriends, friends with benefits - all plural. Guess what? Girlfriends and boyfriends like to spend the night together when possible. They like to wake up in each other's arms. Fuck in the morning. Take a shower together. Fuck again. Have breakfast together. And when you agree to polyamory, you are agreeing your partner having that sort of emotional availability with other people. That is what you are consenting to. If you continually struggle with that, stop. Don't try and shrink your brain until that little part of it dies off and you become immune to it. Stop.

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You're entitled to feel bad and lonely and jealous. A lot of people would.
No actaully. I think a lot of people who are suited to polyamory might be like "damn, what do I do when I'm alone again", but they wouldn't inherently feel "bad, lonely and jealous". If my relationship style made me feel that negative, I wouldn't be in it.
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  #23  
Old 09-10-2013, 06:53 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
You believe that regardless of the commitment and obligation your husband has developed with someone else, your feelings should always come first, and if that means interrupting his date with his girlfriend because you feel lonely or sad, so be it. He is your husband, she is just borrowing him, right?
Id have to agree with London here, while some things can be hard and i do appreciate my husband feelings, im not going to neglect Nudge's to secure Js. Early on, Nudge and I were on one of our first big dates, out late, and in the midst of it he started a text convo with his spouse...I was not OK with that, we had a long talk. Actually all four of us in our seperate relationships have lots of talks about this, not interrupting the quality time you are spending with someone else you also love.
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  #24  
Old 09-10-2013, 07:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Coraline View Post
I don't understand the brutal approach, and would feel deeply hurt if my partner were to tell me to suck it up and deal with my own feelings on my own.
I don't hear anyone (including his spouse) being brutal and rude (telling somone to "suck it up" is pretty harsh).

What I see people suggesting is simply the reality of his situation, that his security is an "inside job". Meaning, his wife hopefully treats him with kindness and courtesy but that his feelings are his own and only he has the power to move past this.

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Originally Posted by Coraline View Post
Staying overnight with a lover is not the same as staying overnight at a convention, because there's no fear of being replaced by a convention, and your wife's not giving the love and affection to the convention that you wish she were giving you. It's a silly comparison.
You missed the point of the comparison. nycindie was pretty clearly trying to ferret out the motivation of the discomfort. Is it just not being used to sleeping on his own, or is it a jealousy and fear of loss/abandonment issue?

If it were simply an issue of not wanting to be alone then how did he handle it when she went away for other (non-lover) excursions? Did he have the same difficulty?

More likely it is related to simple jealousy. There is something attached to the idea of her staying overnight which is bothering him in particular. I have seen swingers with rules about "she always comes home to me" which allows their partner to go have a fling but leaves their illusion of being the "real relationship" in tact.

I expect this is what he's feeling loss for; that she isn't coming home to him and that symbol represents the legitimacy of the relationship.

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
So... I spent all of the first day she was away masturbating! Yes, 12 hours, only taking breaks for food and water and a short nap. hehe. It was kinda fun, and definitely distracting, but probably doesn't work for most people.
Magical !!!

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Originally Posted by Spokanepoly View Post
if I was doing a hobby , I would still be missing her while I was doing that hobby :P I tried working out and while I was at the gym with my music playing, I didnt even hear the songs cause my mind was so wrapped up in the fack I knew she wasnt comming home tonight.
What is going on in your head when you are freaking yourself out?

I am skeptical that what you are focusing on is "she won't be next to me tonight", right? I mean, get a body pillow if that's the biggest of your concern. There is something else going on in there which you are obsessing on and causing you all of this grief. Is it fear that she won't come home? Fear that she will replace you? What is it that you are so worried about? What insecurity is being triggered to make you lose sleep?
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  #25  
Old 09-10-2013, 07:13 PM
westVan westVan is offline
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Default Well said London..

That's the best statement I have read regarding this matter in a long time.
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  #26  
Old 09-10-2013, 07:25 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Get a hobby, get a life, read a book, join a support group, improve yourself/deal with your own shit/stop saddling your partner with it = suck it up.

We talked about this when he got in last night. He said it never got easier, and he did it for about 12 years. At some point, he just stifled it and classified it as being accommodating and tolerant of my other relationship. (Key word being tolerant and not accepting. I would not advise any of this at all.) He told me in counselling that he often wondered if being a bachelor and divorced single father of two would be better than dealing with all of this and a career that kept me away when the other relationship did not.

Would it help if you were able to talk to your wife via text or Facetime? I am not saying she should have long drawn out conversations with you and forgo quality time with her other partner, but sometimes it helps to be able to tell the person, "Just thinking about you, missing you, I love you, or I hope you are enjoying yourself."

One of DH's biggest issues was virtually being cut off and only being able to talk to me about our children and emergencies. He wanted to respect my time with her, so the amount of contact between us was limited. This was a hard balance because there were times when I was with her that I missed the hell out of him. Would it have been appropriate to call him and tell him that while sitting in the same room as her? This has its downside, too. I have spent the past several months learning about who he is now, who he became then, and integrating the way my life used to be with the life he was living while I was gone.
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Last edited by FullofLove1052; 09-10-2013 at 07:32 PM.
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  #27  
Old 09-10-2013, 07:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
Get a hobby, get a life, read a book, join a support group, improve yourself/deal with your own shit/stop saddling your partner with it = suck it up.
Hahah, I stand corrected, Caroline.
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  #28  
Old 09-11-2013, 01:07 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is online now
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Just because there is no piece of paper binding Murf and I in the eyes of the govt it doesn't make our relationship on a lesser plane than Butch and I. His wants and needs are just as important .
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  #29  
Old 09-11-2013, 01:15 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Just because there is no piece of paper binding Murf and I in the eyes of the govt it doesn't make our relationship on a lesser plane than Butch and I. His wants and needs are just as important .
This
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  #30  
Old 09-12-2013, 02:13 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Coraline View Post
Staying overnight with a lover is not the same as staying overnight at a convention, because there's no fear of being replaced by a convention, and your wife's not giving the love and affection to the convention that you wish she were giving you. It's a silly comparison.
It wasn't meant to be a comparison, silly or otherwise.

As Marcus said:
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
nycindie was pretty clearly trying to ferret out the motivation of the discomfort. Is it just not being used to sleeping on his own, or is it a jealousy and fear of loss/abandonment issue?
The OP stated that he is fine with his partner having lovers, but he was puzzled as to why overnights were such a thorn in his side. It also sounded like he is just not used to doing things independently. Hence, my question about how he feels if she is sleeping overnight somewhere for other reasons. The point of what I wrote was to help the OP find the nugget at the core of his discomfort. As Mags suggested, it would be a great way to get more comfortable with each other's autonomy and learn how to occupy themselves when alone, if they both took overnight trips on their own, to see relatives or go to an event, whatever, more often. Then, if one of them spends a night with a lover, it wouldn't seem so out of the ordinary and disorienting, at least in some aspects.

However, Coraline, to what you wrote I gotta say - although some jealousy or envy can be understandable, if anyone who is partnered is so fucked up, fragile, and fearful about being "replaced" by their partner's lover, they've got lots more soul-searching, therapy, and strengthening their trust in each other to do before they even attempt to practice polyamory. It's not for the faint-hearted nor the extremely insecure! Also, letting go of couple-centrism/hierarchy would help!
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-12-2013 at 02:23 AM.
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