I'm sorry you hurt.
I could be wrong but here's how it reads to me...
Could taking a break from outside relationships help?
Yes. Times of trouble is NOT the time to be adding new players to a polyship.
Who are the current players?
What layer of the polymath is the problem on?
You, DH, Shasti, her DH. These are the players of the current polyship. They are already HERE. (ie: not outside this polyship)
(You + DH)What seems to be the problem?
What have you asked him to do to solve the problem?
You seem to need time together -- since he works so much and is dating -- what time is for (you and him) alone?
You seem to need to feel safe and secure. You seem to be having poly hell things going on as he dates Shasti. You note when it is on the calendar ahead of time it is easier to adjust to. What other things do you need for beforecare/aftercare?
Is he willing and able to consider your struggle and take steps to minimize pain / do behaviors to help you find relief and acclimate to the "the new normal?"
You have had a lot of changes in a short time -- that can add to your stress scale.
1) Start exploring BDSM -- 36 mos ago
2) Opening Relationship - 16 mos ago
3) Marriage (last Oct) - 11 mos ago <-- you were "forced" to marry him? What's that all about?
4) College kid leaves -- now Empty Nest
Some things in life are not "plan-able" but the things that ARE... could plan them far enough apart so they are not right on top of each other causing you extra stress. What stresses you today?
What could you ask him to do (behaviors) more specifically?
You have already stepped back from the D/s that was clouding judgement. That's a start.
For him to stop seeing Shasti so you have time with him. He's not willing to stop seeing Shasti -- she's already IN the polymath. (I assume she's basically an ok person and not like a serial killer or other kind of nutjob.)
If so... you could apologize to him for asking him to dump his OTHER valued partner as a solution to fixing whatever time management problems (you + dh) have. Maybe that could be a first step to returning to right relationship with dh? If you want time with him, ask for TIME with him.
Could ask more specifically for the behaviors you want for him TO DO rather than the ones NOT TO DO instead. See if he's willing to do them or not at this time.
Could focus on what you want, not what you don't want.
Is DH willing/able to spend regular time working on (you + DH)? Could set a date to work on this each week and/or go see counselor to work on it there. Whatever you both decide the best approach to tackle this one thing at a time is. (I assume you both are willing/able to tackle it.)
Is DH willing/able to honor agreements between you and not break them again? (Which did he break? Are they reasonable/realistic as they stand? Do they need to be renegotiated adjusted for changed circumstances?)
Is DH willing/able to consider your feelings and make a plan with you to deal with with poly hell things and jealousy things as they pop up.(Not stated, I'm just guessing here that this is some of it. Maybe this article or this hub one could help also.)
Is DH willing/able to see that an "avoid" conflict resolution style can work sometimes, but in this situation that style isn't helping. Is he willing to work on a different conflict resolution method with you?
Could ask him if he's still in this with you. You seem to want that.
"I don't love this stuff we're going through. I still love you. Do you feel the same? That you don't live this stuff we're going through but you still love me?"
Could ask other things...
- "Are you willing/able to work on our problems and set a date to start dealing with them on the calendar? Do you need space to cool off first?"
- "Am I meeting all YOUR needs right now? Any behaviors that I could DO or NOT DO at this time to help take away rather than add to the problems?"
That his feelings for me had changed. He wasn't sure what he felt anymore. That was on my birthday.
Well, he's reporting his own emotional weather to you. Ask him if he needs reassuring/support of his own. He's sounding overwhelmed too.
You've already been reporting your emotional weather to him. Now what?
You guys could take steps to weather it out well and see if things change in time and you return to right relationship.
What steps would you like to take? How do you see yourself getting through this? What's the desired outcome?
Could you elaborate on the "forcing" you to marry him? What's that all about and how does that play into today's problems?