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  #11  
Old 09-10-2013, 12:19 AM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Personally, I have plenty of hobbies and not a single one eradicates that feeling of missing my husband or wanting to be near him. Now, I am not needy or codependent. Sometimes I just want my spouse, and there is no amount of shopping, pampering, charity work, Zumba, etc. that can take his place. After my break-up, he was not out with another woman, but he was out until 4 and 5 in the morning doing what he had been doing for over a decade to cope with the overnights and dates. Meanwhile, I was at home alone. We had some volatile arguments over his refusal to change.

We did have a problem with his stupid hobbies/time fillers/coping mechanisms for me having another relationship. I flat out told him one day in counselling to go fuck his hobbies. So a hobby filling the void of a loved one would never work for me.

Best advice: do things you would ordinarily not be able to do if she was at home. Make sure to request contact, if you need to. Sometimes that good morning or good night text/call makes all the difference. DH had lots of interests from car restoration to home improvements to poker nights to attending concerts and sporting events to going on guy trips to doing things he always wanted to do like all that outdoors-y stuff.
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  #12  
Old 09-10-2013, 12:27 AM
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Spokanepoly Spokanepoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
Personally, I have plenty of hobbies and not a single one eradicates that feeling of missing my husband or wanting to be near him. Now, I am not needy or codependent. Sometimes I just want my spouse, and there is no amount of shopping, pampering, charity work, Zumba, etc. that can take his place. After my break-up, he was not out with another woman, but he was out until 4 and 5 in the morning doing what he had been doing for over a decade to cope with the overnights and dates. Meanwhile, I was at home alone. We had some volatile arguments over his refusal to change.

We did have a problem with his stupid hobbies/time fillers/coping mechanisms for me having another relationship. I flat out told him one day in counselling to go fuck his hobbies. So a hobby filling the void of a loved one would never work for me.

Best advice: do things you would ordinarily not be able to do if she was at home. Make sure to request contact, if you need to. Sometimes that good morning or good night text/call makes all the difference. DH had lots of interests from car restoration to home improvements to poker nights to attending concerts and sporting events to going on guy trips to doing things he always wanted to do like all that outdoors-y stuff.

now that is sound advice, I like that you seem to see it the way I do lol. if I was doing a hobby , I would still be missing her while I was doing that hobby :P I tried working out and while I was at the gym with my music playing, I didnt even hear the songs cause my mind was so wrapped up in the fack I knew she wasnt comming home tonight.
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  #13  
Old 09-10-2013, 12:42 AM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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I'll ask J for you since he's the one experiencing it, nnot me
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  #14  
Old 09-10-2013, 01:33 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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We don't do overnights really.

Maca doesn't handle it well if I"m not there when he's sleeping.
When he works out of town-I will sometimes sleep in GG's bed.

But-usually I don't.

Our schedule (and we do all live together) is that I curl up and sleep with Maca until he leaves for work at 6am. Then I go upstairs and cuddle with GG until he gets up (about 9) during the week. Weekends I don't go up to GG.

GG never works out of town-Maca does.

The only FOR SURE overnight that exists when Maca would normally be home-is GG and I do go to a hotel for our anniversary. (Maca and I do go for ours as well).

When Maca had a girlfriend-she didn't do overnights. She wasn't ok with having someone in her home overnight and she wasn't ok leaving her daughter to do an overnight (single mom). So they would do day times over. When her daughter had plans and was with friends or school or whatever-they would meet up early in the morning and spend the whole day together in bed.
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  #15  
Old 09-10-2013, 02:06 AM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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So far, we haven't made it that far - well, once, but that was at the tail end of a trip and I didn't count as "having been home, yet," so there was no sense of it being an overnight away from home.

What I've noticed about these feelings (when I have them when my wife is with our partner, AM, or when she tells me how she felt when I was with AM) is that they revolve around feeling lonely and alone and like I'm not in the know about what is going on. We have success with distractions (a good book for her, being on the forum here for me) or good friends, or just doing the work that our jobs send us home with. Next thing you know, time has passed.

But that doesn't help the moment that might be the tough one for you - going to sleep. Can you figure that out, walk through the whole event in your mind and see where the trigger point is? Do it with your wife, talking through what she's doing, perhaps (if that's not too much information for you), and maybe you can find the point that all of you could understand better, and it would help you out...
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  #16  
Old 09-10-2013, 03:32 AM
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Thanks everyone, this is all great stuff to read. I'm glad I found this forum. Maybe I'll use this forum as a distraction next time lol. Just might work haha. I still look forward to hearing more about how others have managed to deal with this :-) incase what I've heard so far doesn't work lol. I know that my wife is gonna be happy if I can find a way to find my Zen in this whole overnight thing lol.
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  #17  
Old 09-10-2013, 03:40 AM
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Would you be this upset if she were staying overnight at a convention or with relatives? Or is it just that she's with a lover? If it's the first, it could be that you just need to get used to sleeping alone and finding things you like to do that you don't have a chance to when she's around. Also ask yourself if you're being a bit too needy of her company to feel complete. I know that some couples just never spend much time apart and can't fall asleep easily without the other. My husband and I were never like that, as each of us would take trips away fro various reasons (never lovers - we were mono) and while we missed each other to a degree, we also enjoyed spending time apart. I have always liked a little alone time.

But if it's the second thing, and it really is jealousy and not knowing what shes doing, then I would try to dig down deep under the insecurities you feel and keep asking yourself "what if" questions to find out why it bothers you so much. It sounds like you are okay with her having lovers, but it's just the overnight stays that irk you - so maybe there is a belief system operating or some possessiveness underneath it all that you haven't totally dealt with.
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  #18  
Old 09-10-2013, 04:19 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Woodsmith just did projects. He found things to keep him busy. But that's also what he would have done with me home.
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  #19  
Old 09-10-2013, 01:47 PM
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Yeah, I think you are just trying to hold onto something that makes your relationship "more" than any others. Allowing your partner to love other people means letting them decide how they want to interact with them, not you.
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  #20  
Old 09-10-2013, 03:03 PM
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Twice I've had to deal with my main squeeze having a first overnight. Both times it was the unexpected that threw me.

The first guy, it was a 2nd date (first date at his place) and she stayed out all night unexpectedly! Her phone died and she was there too late to catch the last bus across town, and she was too shy to ask to borrow his phone or computer to let me know. And to boot, it was Halloween and I was worried she was attacked by some drunken revelers. I sure read her the riot act when she got home. I was frantic with worry mixed with jealousy.

The next time, different guy, she asked if I'd be ok with her going to this guy's gf's photo shoot (she's a fetish model). Of course I said, sure, no problem. She neglected to tell me the shoot was in Maine and involved 2 overnights with this couple and several of their friends, party atmosphere. She told him I'd given the OK, and THEN she told me it was a whole weekend thing.

When I found this out, I didn't want to be a bitch and say, oh, you can't go then. So... I spent all of the first day she was away masturbating! Yes, 12 hours, only taking breaks for food and water and a short nap. hehe. It was kinda fun, and definitely distracting, but probably doesn't work for most people.

Soon after that I met her new squeeze and his gf and then I was fine with her going away on one or 2 long weekends with them. I find once I meet the new person they seem like a friend and not a threat to our relationship.

Like NYCindie, I also ask if you and your wife never go on trips separately, on business, to see a friend or family? If not, now is the time to start, so that your brain might be tricked, when she's with a lover, that she's just away having fun with a friend, and will have interesting stories to tell you when she gets back!
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