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Old 02-22-2010, 09:02 PM
bagomase bagomase is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Default The unfortunate truth about truth and honesty

Hi all - new to this forum, and needed someplace to vent. Hope you don't mind too much

Quick background: Wife and I have what we consider an open-marriage - she has a steady boyfriend, I've been dating and have a quasi-semi-relationship with a woman in a nearby town.

The woman I've been dating I actually met and knew in middle school, reunited on facebook, etc. She's just coming out of an 8 year marriage and against my better judgment, I decided to pursue a relationship since things just seemed to be going so well. We just clicked. This was her first experience in a poly relationship, and she seemed to take it in stride. Her friends were more skeptical.
In any case, I understood coming out of an 8 year marriage the last thing she wanted was another monogamous relationship. We had an understanding that she could date whomever she wanted, especially because there's a bit of physical distance between us. My only request was that a) no one night stands (defined here by not sleeping with someone that you have just met) and b) honesty. If you're interested in someone and want to pursue a relationship, just keep me in the loop. I certainly want to make sure I know where everyone stands.
Fast forward to last week. I'm driving into town for our weekend together and she calls. She had made out with a guy friend who she had been hanging out with recently. "Aww, that's sweet!" I said. She replies with "You're okay with that?", to which I let her know I was, and that if I was jealous for any reason, it was that I wasn't there to steal a kiss too. I said I'd make up for the lack of kisses that weekend. That's when I asked her - "So was that all you did? Just a little make-out session?".

"Yeah", she replied.

You can see where this is going. I read her tone and already knew that she had slept with him before she decided to tell me later that weekend.

Her reasons for not telling me were this - she's wasn't used to being able to talk about other interests, love, or relationships with someone she was interested, loved, or had a relationship with. A bit ironic, eh?

The point to this long, unnecessary story is a question I'd like to pose - why does it seem that monogamy and honesty together are becoming such a rare commodity? I have no problems with monogamy, and I could do it again if I wanted or needed to, but if there's one thing I would take away from having an open-relationship it would be that honesty and communication are what makes ANY relationship work. Why do so many marriages end in a divorce - overshadowed by an affair, a secret kept, or needs unfulfilled with what could have been rectified with a little honesty and communication? I don't really need you good folks to answer these for me, I just needed to get the remnants of an uncomfortable weekend off of my chest.
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