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Old 09-09-2013, 12:19 PM
AilaLynn's Avatar
AilaLynn AilaLynn is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: usa
Posts: 20
Default New to it all

Hello everyone! I'm Lynn and I am new to the whole polyamory thing.
My husband and I have been married for 3 years now. To start with I have always been open minded about a lot of things. I have been bisexual for as long as I can remember and never understood why one can't be happy with more than one person. I just never knew there was a term for it.

My husband is the first person (man) who actually accepts my bisexuality, embraces it, and allows me the freedom to pursue it, WITHOUT the jealously issues. He also is the only person I had found who is on the same wave length and is as open as I am about things. To start out with, we had initially agreed to have 3somes every once in a while with women we trust but it was more like they were our play-toy or friends with benefits when it suited us.

After a couple of years we started off joking about the idea of having someone as a relationship, in a sense, with us. It went from joking to serious discussions.

I started talking to his ex-wife and we clicked right away. Now, she lives with us (I fell for her pretty quick and we get along wonderfully) and the 3 of us are involved with one another. He, however, is rarely home as he works across country.

So, I do have some questions because it is a unique situation (I mean how many people actually get involved with ex-wives and so on? lol). I wanted his children with us so they can grow up with our children (their half-siblings). He tells me all the time that the only reason he is involved with her is because he wants me to be happy. He knows I need a female companion, I want the kids here, and I need help around the house with all the kids (there's 5 all together for now).
I DO care for her and love her in my own way because she provides different things for me that he can't. (I won't be with another male while with him and have no interest for some reason) Anyways, I love him in a different way that I don't think I ever could for her because 1. he's my best friend 2.we are so in sync with our ways of thinking about things 3. we understand each other as no others have 4.we communicate way more on more things than either of us have ever seen anyone do. We are soul mates, to sum it up....

I kind of feel bad because I know he does not trust her nor does he really have deep feelings towards her anymore and not like he does for me. He has told her numerous times (I have overheard this and she has told me) that if I ever leave she will be gone right then. He does care about her in some ways, but I think it is mainly for the 2 kids they had together before and because he wants me happy.

He does try to treat her equally, but there are a lot of times she and I both notice he leans more towards me.
Anyways, even though is it working out well so far, can this eventually cause issues where I will have to end things with her because of his not really wanting to be with her with a close relationship like he and I have?
Sure, we have had issues so far with jealousy and envy, but it has been from her end. We have worked through that and she feels horrible that she has done it and has sought out treatment for it (turns out she has a chemical imbalance). It's gotten significantly better.
Also, is it normal or okay to feel slight twinges of envy or slight hurt when it is his night to go to sleep in her room? I mean because I know what they are doing. Some days it bothers me slightly and some days it does not. I think some parts of it is because I want to be there too, but we have it set up where we rotate nights so that each gets individual time together...and we have nights where the 3 of us enjoy each other when the mood hits.
I know that is a lot to read and I apologize.....I just am not sure how to word it and not sure where else to ask for advice. I'm new to it so am not sure the best ways to make sure it is balanced and everyone can be happy and enjoy life together without any major issues.

I already know that I have no worries of him leaving me for her, that isn't a problem. I just worry his distrust of her and his acting as if he has to do it because of keeping the kids together and my happiness is going to make it so her and I have to end our relationship (even though me being with her does not bother him). He just feels he has to give her what she wants in order to keep her there because she wants to be with him as much as with me. She has also told me she has issues sometimes because she does not want to share me, yet she does not want to share him either....
Sooooo...how do I best work through this so everyone can be happy, be themselves, and enjoy life and the kids?
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