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  #11  
Old 09-05-2013, 05:59 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Originally Posted by herstory View Post
Haha, you are right. I'm a little nutty when it comes to condoms.

We did use condoms up until we made an agreement that other people we had sex with would be safe.

I just feel that in my situation right now having sex with him anytime soon isn't going to happen. He made a promise he didn't keep. He's not a bad guy and yes, I kind of saw it coming - It still hurt my feelings.

But I appreciate your ability to be blunt and abrasive, lol.
No Marcus is not right. You are not 'nutty' about using condoms. You are making your own risk assessment about what you can tolerate and what you can't. Marcus makes his own assessments and they do not need to match yours.

Women are MORE at risk of getting STIs from sex with a male partner. It is riskier to be the penetrated party than the one doing the penetrating. Fact of biology. It is true that condoms don't fully protect against everything all the time. But they do cut down the risk of transmission significantly.

So, yeah, men should use condom's for 'women's sake.' I do believe men need to be aware to use condoms partly because of the increased risk women bear in sex even as the main reason remains that condom use reduces men's exposure to STIs and reduces pregnancies. And condoms used properly do so with great efficiency.

And you should feel what you feel in regards to your thoughtless former lover. It is good he told you he had unprotected sex before you and he had sex again. But that is just being an adult. No need for kudos. It is ok to feel betrayed and to lose trust in him. That doesn't make him evil, a villain, or an all around asshole. He has shown himself to be unreliable and untrustworthy. Not worth giving a fuck, literally. He has shown you who he truly is. It seems you believe him and have disentangled yourself sexually which is wise.
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  #12  
Old 09-05-2013, 06:10 PM
herstory herstory is offline
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Thank you
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  #13  
Old 09-05-2013, 06:28 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
You are making your own risk assessment about what you can tolerate and what you can't. Marcus makes his own assessments and they do not need to match yours.
Yes they do need to match! I am the One True Poly! This was clearly my point as I said it... never

There was a contradiction and I was poking to see if I could figure out why. My assumption was that she was hiding behind the "risk" issue because she was mad at him for not doing what she wanted him to.

I was apparently incorrect:

Quote:
Originally Posted by herstory View Post
I'm now working on becoming pregnant for a couple and I want to minimize the risks as much as I can without completely giving up sex. I know...shame on me for being poly and a surrogate.
What's wrong with being poly and being a surrogate? Go on with your bad self.

The Poly Board of Ethics may be sending you a notice in the mail though. Don't worry, it's just a formality.
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  #14  
Old 09-06-2013, 01:36 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Congrats on surrogacy-it's a wonderful gift.

For the rest-

I find it helpful to remind myself frequently-
We have control over only one person in this world-ourselves.
We can ask-but we have to always assume the other person COULD refuse to grant our request, COULD agree to grant it but fail to follow through, COULD refuse and follow through anyway, or COULD agree and follow through. I give it a 25% chance on each option (no statistics-that's just out of my ass because it's convenient for me to remember), which means there is a 75% chance that they are not going to agree and follow through on anything I request.
If I am not ok with that-then I need to make other arrangements.

So-in your example:
I wouldn't have sex with him if 75% failure to use condoms with others after agreeing to.
I wouldn't bother asking-because 75% would be too high of a risk to me in that scenario.
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  #15  
Old 09-07-2013, 03:46 PM
herstory herstory is offline
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I've decided to forgive him tomorrow. I'm letting this go.

It may take me a while before I can be around him. We live in a smallish area. But I'll give it a try and do what I can handle.

I'm content with him being in a very limited friend zone.

Thanks for the feedback. I didn't really have anywhere else to talk about this.
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