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  #91  
Old 09-06-2013, 08:41 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CattivaGattina View Post
Myself just so whoever he is with does know that I'm cool with it (something I've seen women in general have a harder time believing).
This!
Women struggle with believing that I'm ok with it.
Meeting me in person and even meeting GG has allowed them to be more comfortable with dating Maca.

Now mind you, "dating" gets all convoluted as a word in here. Because some people don't consider it dating once you have a partnership and some do etc etc.

Personally-I told Maca, if they aren't going to be around the rest of us-I don't give a hot damn one way or the other about them. Do what ya want to do. He hasn't met any women who were ok with that. Shrug.

On the other hand, if they want to be around my kids, our home, our life, they WILL be around me. It is MY life and MY home and MY kids as well as his.
So if they want that-they have to be ok with being around me.
Likewise, they need to be ok with being around GG;
because it is HIS house, HIS life, HIS kids too.

And that works all of the way around.
But-its not a "rule" it's a reality.

My sister in law would prefer to never see me again. But her husband (my baby brother) is close to me and my family. He comes around. Sometimes she comes-when she does-guess what, she's around me.
On the other hand, I try to limit my going over to his place. Because it is HER home too. It is HER sanctuary and she can't stand me. She shouldn't have to deal with her sanctuary being uncomfortable because of me.

And here in lies what I think a lot of people miss in all of this.

That someone is having sex with another person, doesn't change the way I interact with them. I love my brother. My brother loves me. We have a DEEP and STRONG affectionate love for one another. But we aren't sexually involved. We expect our other loved ones to accept this, to respect it and to NOT try to impede our relationship. But-we also expect each other to treat our OTHER relationships with the same.
This doesn't change with people I AM sexually involved with. Same expectations and "rules" if you want to use that term. If they can't manage that-they aren't going to be dating me.
One aspect of that is, that our lives are VERY VERY VERY integrated. The whole family is.
So people who want to be involved with ANY ONE OF US-are at some point going to be dealing with each and every one of us.

For someone who prefers much less integration-none of us (me, Maca, GG, our siblings etc) would be a good date partner. Period.
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  #92  
Old 09-06-2013, 09:23 PM
Dragon13 Dragon13 is offline
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Bravo to Loving Radiance. I think she spelled it all out well. I obviously have a long way to go towards making myself properly understood. We are not controlling each others outside lovers, we are respecting each other. Letting them know we care and want to be sure they are safe and enjoy themselves.
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  #93  
Old 09-06-2013, 09:50 PM
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ColorsWolf ColorsWolf is offline
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Originally Posted by Dragon13 View Post
Bravo to Loving Radiance. I think she spelled it all out well. I obviously have a long way to go towards making myself properly understood. We are not controlling each others outside lovers, we are respecting each other. Letting them know we care and want to be sure they are safe and enjoy themselves.
LovingRadiance

To both of you: exactly and bravo, bravo!~
See this works for some and that's great!~ ^_^
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  #94  
Old 09-07-2013, 06:03 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
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There seems to be a lot of need for control.
Yes, you do seem to need a lot of control by requiring that you and your spouse must meet and approve of anyone else the other wishes to date. I would never date a guy who had to seek permission and approval from his wife or gf. I only want to date people who are secure in their relationships and not couple-centric.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragon13 View Post
But if the person that your partner wishes to spend time with really rubs you the wrong way, then it really isn't going to work.
But why not, if your wife is dating a certain person, why would it matter if they got along with you or not? They're not dating you! The person might rub you the wrong way but be absolutely stimulating, thrilling, and perfect for your wife!

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Originally Posted by Dragon13 View Post
Live your lives like your partners opinion doesn't matter. But we will move forward with the love and respect we have for each other.
I prefer the kind of love and respect that translates into being trusted and free to be my own person! I can make my own grown-up decisions without asking permission to live my life from anyone! The love and respect I want from a partner means I am free to make my own choices, no one attempts to take away my agency, and our autonomy is highly regarded.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Women struggle with believing that I'm ok with it.
Meeting me in person and even meeting GG has allowed them to be more comfortable with dating Maca.
If I need proof that a guy isn't cheating and his wife or partner is okay with poly, an email or phone call is enough for me. I don't need a face-to-face.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 09-07-2013 at 06:13 AM.
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  #95  
Old 09-07-2013, 06:32 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Nyc-to me a phone call/text/email is meeting them. I don't need face to face either. I just need to know that they know it really is ok.

The face to face just happens to be a reality within a short time-because we're so frequently in the same space. Hell-even when we have plans separate, it frequently requires meeting to exchange kids in route.

I almost always have to exchange kids in town in order to go on a date-which means that whoever the date is with, see's GG or Maca as we are trading off the kids.

But-I prefer to see dates more than once or twice a month when I can get away for an hour free and clear with no one.
Shrug.
I invite them here with an open door policy-but if they accept-again-they will see the guys face to face (and the kids and quite possibly other people too) cause our house is ALWAYS full of people coming and going.
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  #96  
Old 09-07-2013, 06:41 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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LR, your situation and outlook is unique. I don't know why you keep explaining it, actually. I wouldn't think it would apply to that many other people's situations.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #97  
Old 09-07-2013, 08:19 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I agree it is unique in the world at large. But it isn't unique in Alaska. It is actually common.
I wonder (often) about how and why it is so different here.
Like locking doors.
We don't lock our front door and we don't take keys out of the car ignition. Plenty of people do, but most long time Alaskans, don't. And if someone is out in the woods (which are easily less than 10 miles from our doorstep) and has a crisis, breaking into a home for safety and warmth is completely legal....

Anyway-yes, it is unique compared to others. But I am pretty "normal" here & the reason I explain it, is the same reason I promote myself asking about and reading explanations of others, because I think we can all benefit from realizing that our way isn't the only way or even "the right way". They are all just "the right way for me" examples.
I often use you as an example of how I could easily see me living if I had not remained in Alaska (I was intending to go to West Point upon graduation originally). Your logic, reasoning, preferences make sense to me-give. A different set of curcumstances.

But here-it would be considered bizarrely odd for someone to segregate out their life (or attempt to) because it would be damn near impossible to accomplish. Much like being in the closet. There are only a couple restaurants in this town and 2 grocery stores. To be completely closeted would require MUCH more work and likely fail. But it would also be seen as peculiar to try because there are already a number of poly families who are very vocally out in the community. Even the public schools are versed in dealing with it.
People here expect that the community as a whole is in a very real sense all part of one extended family.
It isnt unusual at all. My oldest childs friend from school is the grandchild of a parishioner at the church a close friend of mine attends. We don't identify as "friends", but we know each others business. Two many cRiss cRoss paths.
Maca's dad is the stepfather of kids I went to school with that Maca never knew.
Gg's best friend growing up went to church with me and was also best friends with my brother (though GG and I hadnt met). His stepsister dating my daughters paternal uncle and got pregnant the same year I did.
The 24 yo trouble maker who was new to town, befriended a number of people who grew up with my daughter & found herself being read the riot act for talking crap about me because these kids all call me mom.
My son-in-law, who had never met his father before he married my daughter; well the father was best friends with my ex growing up, I know the whole extended family and help out with the other grandchild who is in states custody. I knew his dad before he did. As well as the whole circle of friends his dad hung out with.
I go to town with my grandson and people I dont know ask mee "who are you and why do you have **** son?" I tell them I am his grandmother and suddenly its "oh! Wow! I didnt recognize you! You look so amazing since your surgery! She was so worried about you! She tells me all of the time about...."

Shrug. Guess we are a friendlier lot. I don't know. But here, people join families. Whole families join. Dating or no dating.
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  #98  
Old 09-07-2013, 02:56 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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^^^^ Is why I live in a big city.

I would hate that level of interconnectedness. I'm sure it has lots of good things about it but the lack of privacy would get to me. To each his own!
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  #99  
Old 09-07-2013, 03:54 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I'm.discovering my.large city is actually quite small lol
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  #100  
Old 09-07-2013, 04:20 PM
london london is offline
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Quote:
This!
Women struggle with believing that I'm ok with it.
Meeting me in person and even meeting GG has allowed them to be more comfortable with dating Maca.
See, my thinking is that when I meet someone, starting out by doubting what they say is not the best foundation for what we could have in the future. Of course, I get talking to guys who claim they are in ethically non monogamous relationships and something just tells me that they are not. The thing is, as soon as I get that pang in my gut that says something is dodgy, I cease all interactions. It really doesn't matter if it's true or not, the problem is that I don't trust them. That basically trumps everything else.
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