Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #591  
Old 09-06-2013, 01:44 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,170
Default D/s and poly

So the topic arose elsewhere that D/s dynamics alter the way in which relationships function.

Certainly true.

I noted that in my life I have worked D/s in around the rest of my life. But some people work their life around their D/s dynamic.

Anyway-I thought I would start a thread on how this interplay effects people. The people in the D/s dynamic and/or metamours etc.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #592  
Old 09-06-2013, 03:12 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 542
Default

I'm going to jump in here because I would like to see where this thread goes! I do not have any "formal" understanding of D/s relationship dynamics, but I have had some conversations with a male friend who is a Dom in his relationship with a female partner and I found those conversations to be thought provoking.

I would suggest that although many people are having D/s relationship dynamics, they have never identified the dynamics as such.

When I explained the dynamics of my relationship with Richard, my Dom friend said- "girl you are a domme and you need to get some thigh high leather boots and a whip". I actually liked that idea although I haven't followed up with it because D/s dynamics between me and Richard are deeply ingrained from within and I'm not sure if I need to "act them out" publically in any way- through dress etc.

I am definitely domme by nature, but I will switch and the reason I will switch is because I consider it an opportunity to do what I call "Shadow work".

Looking forward to hearing what others have to say!!
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #593  
Old 09-06-2013, 03:34 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 252
Default

With Kip, he is D, I am s. The dynamic does not come into play in our general relationship. Sometimes he tries to pull the Master card during conversation but I don't go for it if I don't want to :P

Prof is D, I am s. Also does not come into play.

Yo had no idea idea I was s until I told him that is what I was doing with the other 2. He was quite surprised that I have a subby side. So does not come into play there either.

I am a strong personality at work and with parenting. Friends have been surprised that I enjoy subbing so much. I love to give up control but if the guys wanted to do it outside of the scene then I probably wouldn't go for it. The power exchange is pretty much limited to play time for me.
__________________
Me: 40s female
Kip: 50s male, married.
Prof: 50s male.
Reply With Quote
  #594  
Old 09-06-2013, 03:55 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,170
Default Not aimed at any poster-just general trivia

I think it's important to understand that there is a difference between a Dom/sub relationship and a Master/slave relationship.

A D/s relationship can easily be partitioned into sections of your life. VERY easily actually.
Whereas in a Master/slave relationship the Master is the final say so.

I am the sub in a D/s relationship. I would never be willing to be a slave in a Master/slave relationship. As a switch-it would be completely unhealthy for me to commit to giving someone else all of the control for all of the time.

On the other hand, my relationship with GG is Master/slave and he is the slave. We don't "dress" the dress. I don't wear the black boots. I don't use a whip or restraints for that matter. I don't need to. I rarely need raise my eyebrow for that matter. He defers to me always. He always has.
If I have a need or a want, he tries to fill it immediately. Even if it isn't something he prefers. I actually created some rules when we formally agreed to this dynamic-that force him to be more attentive to his own needs. It drives him crazy-but I think it's important and necessary to promote him being the best version of himself in a way that allows for him to be self-sufficient emotionally and physically (not just financially) if something were to happen to me.

As noted by a previous poster-this dynamic existed long before we ever heard of BDSM. (like 17 years before). He's always been 100% submissive to me. I worked very very hard not to take advantage of that when we were 'just friends' and in doing so-it created a level of trust between us-that is just unbreakable and unexplainable. Many people don't understand at all.

Whereas-in my role as sub to Maca, I can and do say no when D/s crosses into areas where it isn't workable for me. I am completely submissive to him in the privacy of our own room. I have agreed to some little things that are public-like I don't order my own meals in restaurants. But they are small-and not highly noticable.
If you were to ask anyone in our larger social circle-they would all identify me as Dominant, "in charge" and "in control".

Ironically-many see GG as being my "puppy dog"-it's been said so many times over the years it's hilarious. Because in a very real sense-he operates that way and in the BDSM world many would identify him as my "pet". But I don't see him that way at all. I see his submission, I accept it, but I use it to benefit him-not myself.
On the other hand-no one ever perceives either Maca or I as being submissive. We operate well together as a team-but we both come across as "the boss". My common analogy is that we are the general foreman carpenter and general foreman electrician on a job. We have our own crew we are in charge of-but we work together to get the job as a whole finished.
But- no one see's the underlying play-by-play that happens between us. Sexually and in some other private areas, I am very much his "little" (research will explain that one to any who don't know the term) and while the outside world doesn't generally see it-GG, Maca (and my baby brother of all the bizarre things) do see it and notice it in every day life.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #595  
Old 09-06-2013, 03:56 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,170
Default

Atlantis-I read something the other day that you might be able to appreciate.

It's hard for an educated woman to turn off her brain. But when your Dom says it's time to feel and not think-it all stops and it's such a relief!
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #596  
Old 09-06-2013, 04:20 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 374
Default

I'm someone who needs a D/s relationship. Woodsmith and I tried but it doesn't work for us. He needs someone that will give him a fight for dominance and doesn't know what to do with someone once they are at a submissive level. I on the other hand need someone who just by their presence is able to ignite the submissive spark in me. He is very laid back and nonchalant about everything that I actually have to generally take more of a lead role in any aspect of our relationship which is really difficult and drives me up a wall.

I realized that on a level of submission scale I fall between a D6 and D7 (too bad they don't make D6.5 die). I want to be able to have control over my life when it comes to necessities (making sure any relationship I have that is not a D/s or M/s one are healthy, any work I do) but have my free time that is not in that being available for my dom or master to have full control over. Even to the point of before I go to work or something giving me a protocol as to how nice to dress.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
Reply With Quote
  #597  
Old 09-06-2013, 04:47 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 252
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Atlantis-I read something the other day that you might be able to appreciate.

It's hard for an educated woman to turn off her brain. But when your Dom says it's time to feel and not think-it all stops and it's such a relief!
So very, very true for me. Exactly right, I don't have to think, just feel and it is a relief. I have told both my guys that before. Sub space, love it.
__________________
Me: 40s female
Kip: 50s male, married.
Prof: 50s male.
Reply With Quote
  #598  
Old 09-06-2013, 05:34 AM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

I've been in two kink based, power exchange type, poly relationships. They had no impact on the poly side at all. We decided beforehand that no tasks etc would affect my other relationships, that's just a douche move. Other than that, it has no bearing on anything. I call him "Daddy".

I don't make the huge differentiation between sub and slave because I know subs with rigid, strict protocol and I know slaves who don't. Nobody is doing it wrong, per se, it's just that kink based relationships are like any relationships, totally individual. I would be someone's slave but that wouldn't mean that they could impose restrictions that are unethical to my other partners without their willing consent. I wouldn't be with someone who behaves so unethically. I'd also have two or more Dominants if i felt they could all work in co operation.
Reply With Quote
  #599  
Old 09-06-2013, 05:36 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,170
Default

Cat-I can so relate to that. I thrive when what I wear, workouts, meals are defined by someone else. Left to my own devices it feels like a wasted effort to dress nice, eat healthy and workout. I still try-but if it is controlled by my Dom, I slide into sub mode and it becomes effortless.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #600  
Old 09-06-2013, 05:38 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,170
Default

They key difference isnt the strictness of protocol.
The key differentiation is a slave agrees to allow the master full control (ie tye term slave) whereas a sub agrees to limited control and reserves the right to rescind the agreement at will.

But lets not digress into a battle of perseveration again.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bdsm, d/s, dominant, fetishes, metamours, poly, relationships, sex play, submissive

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:31 PM.