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Old 09-05-2013, 11:51 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,333

I'm sorry you are struggling.

You seem to have several things going on there. You seem isolated and lonely in your environmental health and social health.

Are you willing to learn to drive? Is he willing to teach you or can you take lessons? Can you get out during the day by bus or other method to make friends and volunteer and get involved somewhere? You sound kind of... cabin fever-y.

I just need communication about poly. To know that he’s thinking about it, that he’s trying to understand me.
I would reframe it as...

"I need to be understood. I would like him to demonstrate that he is trying to understand me by engaging in conversation with me, take an interest in my day, my life, the things I want to talk about like poly, SEE me. Take an interest in maintaining our relationship by participating in it rather than seeming to take it/me for granted"

You seem to crave mental intimacy and stimulus and sound lonely in your marriage -- could it be something of the mono-poly wanting to be understood thing as well as "general" lonely and SAHM cabin fever?

If he would honestly say "I thought I could do this, but I can't because of X, Y, and Z" and gave me time to grieve, I believe I could become ok with being Mono.
Are YOU willing to just ask him all that? So you can stop being at this place of suffering? So you can process grief and then arrive at a better space? The space where you are ok with being polyamorous in a monoship?

Maybe something like...
"You seem like you are at this place -- "I thought I could do this but I find I cannot."

Could you be willing to tell me if you ARE at that place? Are you willing/able to tell me why you might be at that place so I can understand you?

I believe I could be ok with being a polyamorous person in a monoship if I understood you and where you are coming from. I crave close connection with you, and would like you to be willing to open up to me. Are you willing to open up to me?"
There you seem lonely for emotional intimacy. The sharing of feelings with each other.

And the lack of connection/intimacy in your environmental/social health, mental health, emotional health? It's dinging your in your spiritual health. You seem like you are in poor spirit.

Is that where you are at?

You seem to be denying yourself healing because what? You don't want to have to be the one to start the ball rolling? Something else?

You seem resentful toward him that "he denies me healing because he does not mind reader my want for him to say it first." You attitude seems to be "Just SAY IT so I can start to heal!"

You know you could start to heal whenever YOU want, right? He doesn't have to say anything. It isn't him holding you back. You are responsible for your own health and well being. He could help support you in that as your partner if that is your shared agreement for marriage, but YOU are the one ultimately responsible for that.

Or is this about this sentence and fearfulness?

"I believe I could become ok with being Mono."
Could you be avoiding initiating that conversation yourself because you are afraid you might find out that "Hey... turns out I am NOT ok being polyamorous in a monoship. Now I have to deal with that discovery."

So rather than you helping to move it forward, you help keep it in the stuck by blaming him? Because he seems to be "avoidy" about other issues so it is handy to dump all the "avoidy" on to his plate?

Are you both willing to take emotional responsibility for co-creating this situation between you? And start moving it forward? Could think about changing to a different conflict resolution style than "avoid" style to see if that serves you BETTER.

Your own health and well being and the health and well being of your marriage could take more hit points if you both keeping shying away from authentic conversation with each other just because you both have "avoid" style conflct resolution and are not willing to try something else.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-06-2013 at 12:25 AM.
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