Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 09-05-2013, 09:08 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Talula
Posts: 104
Default

Flowerchild, you have some excellent points and I will be pondering them, thank you.

Just one point I should clear up, I don't think I asked him to tell me I was his "chosen one" in May. (By chosen one, I meant would I be the one he would ask to marry him if the decision was before him following having met Shasti. Note, he had asked me (coerced me) into marrying him before we opened things up.) I had asked him that at some point in the past year, but upon reflection, that was not something I asked of him in May. I believe all I asked him to tell me was that he loved me, that he was committed to me/us.
__________________
Petunia: 49 year old, straight, cisgender female divorced from Twitch
Twitch: 42 year old straight cisgender male
Shasti: Twitch's 42 year old straight cisgender girlfriend
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 09-05-2013, 09:19 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,429
Default

Petunia-
I didn't read your post.
And
I'm glad I didn't.

But-I think my perspective may help you-because I'm the one who fell in love with a second person in our dynamic and you are right-the change WAS HELL for Maca.

It's not unreasonable to ask someone to give you more time and more support (which could happen to mean less time/support for another partner) when you have a need.
I have been in that boat as well-throw poly out the window for a second:

If I have a major health crisis-I need MORE time and attention.
But if my child is having a major crisis-they need more time and attention. our loved ones have to work within the bounds of defining where a NEED exists in terms of how they divvy out their time and support.

There were times in our transition when Maca NEEDED more of my time and support and that meant GG got less.
There was a time when GG needed more of my time and support-and that meant Maca got less.

Likewise-there was a time when I needed a LOT more time and support-due to having several MAJOR surgeries in one year with severe physical limitations for a whole year. There were almost no "dates" or "romantic times" for either of them. AT ALL. Not with me-not with anyone else. Because they were struggling to manage the household, me, the kids etc.

But-its important to learn to communicate a need without it being aimed at the detriment of another person.

Instead of "I need you to see her less because I'm currently having a major mental health issue (anxiety/panic attacks)"
it's more stable, healthy and functional to say
"I need more support from you (in the form of xyz time/call/contact) while I work to resolve this mental health issue I am struggling with."

If they choose to give you the support-either way-it's likely to result in less for their other partner.
HOWEVER-it's a clearly defined statement of YOUR OWN RESPONSIBILITY for YOURSELF without placing the onus of blame on the third party.

Does that make sense?

Feelings come up and with change it's not uncommon to have too much of an emotion to handle.
With the additional stressor of a wedding etc-it's not really surprising it was all too much to handle.

The key (for future reference) is in how you lay the platform for addressing your needs.

There is NOTHING WRONG with having a need and asking for help getting it met.
But-this requires us to
A) understanding that even if they previously said otherwise, a person can ALWAYS choose to refuse to support us.
B) our needs are our own responsibility. No other person "makes us" feel or "causes" our issues.
C) it is ultimately up to us to resolve our issues in order to manage relationships with other people & sometimes the way to make that work seems more difficult-because the "easy" path of demanding our way-isn't fair to someone else.

In this case-it's important for you to realize that if your needs take away from another person (your metamour) then a thank you may be in order for their patience in dealing with their loss on account of your need.
I find that when I let a metamour know "hey-I know it's a nightmare-but I have this issue going on.." they are usually willing to be supportive and helpful too. Whereas-if I tell my partner they need to back off with the metamour-it blows up in all of our faces AND
it doesn't actually resolve the issue anyway.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 09-05-2013, 09:23 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,308
Default

I'm not trying to hurt you. I am presenting you with a difference of opinion and I am not congratulating or coddling your feelings. If that is unpleasant for you and you want to make sure to insulate yourself from opinions other than your own, "ignore" me as a user and my posts won't show up on the threads you read.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia View Post
I will not be made to feel shameful to want to preserve a relationship that has brought a lot of joy and love and stability into both of our lives. I am not a harpy. I am not insensitive. I am very easy to live with. I'm not some two-headed monster that is selfish and self-serving.
*shrug* So don't feel ashamed and don't attribute any of those nasty names to yourself. No one here is putting that on you; you're doing that to yourself.

Take some responsibility for your feelings.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia View Post
You know, there is a cardinal rule in opening a relationship to move at the pace of the one struggling.
That is one school of thought, yes. It is built on a barn full of assumptions which don't make any sense... but yes, many people still insist on living by that rule.

You choose to live by that rule, that's your call. It doesn't sound like your husband agrees with you, which is his call.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia View Post
As far as not being concerned with what he gets out of therapy...wtf! I do have the right to hope that he feels some relief and that he has a positive outcome from it that will help him down the road whether that is with me or not. I have the RIGHT to want good things for him.
Sure you do, and I said that explicitly. THEN I added that you should focus on YOU because you can't fix him but you can work on YOU.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia View Post
I have been trying to separate the love from dependency. I have stepped back from the D/s as it has totally messed up my autonomy. I put myself through all sorts of hell learning to be less independent, more compliant, more accepting of someone else controlling my life, just to be cut loose with no interest in my well-being.
I didn't realize this was a D/s situation.

That method of relating to another human being couldn't be more antithetical to how I believe we should treat each other. It seems to breed this kind of obsessive dependency.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia View Post
In things that have come up she's questioned if something happened during his teens to have emotionally stunted him in that period of his life.
There is a universe wide crevasse between a good therapist and all other therapists. One fool proof way to discover if yours is the good one or one of the sea of shitty ones is this question:

Do they focus on how to work on your issues? Always bringing the topic back to your part in the situation? Always focusing on improving your outlook and actions? Or do they help you point out the flaws in other people and your surrounding?

A good therapist is not there to help you vilify the people you are having difficulty dealing with. There job is not to tell you how awesome you are and how "stunted" your partner is. That is what we call a "yes man", not a therapist. Any baboon can be a yes-man for you and you don't need to pay them.

I suggest you dump that therapist with a quickness and get someone who will help you deal with *you*.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 09-05-2013, 09:29 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Talula
Posts: 104
Default

Thanks, LovingRadiance. I have to head out for the day right now, so I can't reply more in depth, but I appreciate you input.
__________________
Petunia: 49 year old, straight, cisgender female divorced from Twitch
Twitch: 42 year old straight cisgender male
Shasti: Twitch's 42 year old straight cisgender girlfriend
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 09-05-2013, 09:32 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,429
Default

Added thought:

As with Marcus-I didn't realize this was a D/s dynamic (actually, I may have at some point-but forgotten because it seems like I remember reading that at some point-but not recently).

At any rate-a D/s dynamic has a WHOLE other set of responsibilities involved that complicate the whole situation.

I won't go into that here-because you state that you've stepped back from it.

But-I am a switch. I am a submissive in one relationship and I am Master to a slave in the other. So if you want to talk about that at any point in the future-it's fine to pm me. I do support your choice to step back-the ramifications of the relationship situation do not sound like they support the option of any sort of healthy D/s dynamic.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 09-05-2013, 09:45 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,308
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Added thought:

As with Marcus-I didn't realize this was a D/s dynamic (actually, I may have at some point-but forgotten because it seems like I remember reading that at some point-but not recently).

At any rate-a D/s dynamic has a WHOLE other set of responsibilities involved that complicate the whole situation.

I won't go into that here-because you state that you've stepped back from it.

But-I am a switch. I am a submissive in one relationship and I am Master to a slave in the other. So if you want to talk about that at any point in the future-it's fine to pm me. I do support your choice to step back-the ramifications of the relationship situation do not sound like they support the option of any sort of healthy D/s dynamic.
The D/s dynamic is so far outside of what I can comprehend, it's kind of amazing. Generally speaking I avoid these topics like the plague. Unfortunately I got into this one and only discovered just a second ago that's what was going on.

I actually wish there was an area for D/s topics because the way of relating is so completely unrelated to non-D/s. That way I won't go into those topics
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 09-05-2013, 10:16 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,101
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
The D/s dynamic is so far outside of what I can comprehend, it's kind of amazing. Generally speaking I avoid these topics like the plague. Unfortunately I got into this one and only discovered just a second ago that's what was going on.

I actually wish there was an area for D/s topics because the way of relating is so completely unrelated to non-D/s. That way I won't go into those topics
I am with Marcus on this.. Relationships with that whole D/S dynamic throw a wrench into how a relationship runs.

My husband is a sub.. I do not get his mindset what so ever. His perception is totally different than mine.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 09-05-2013, 10:23 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,308
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
My husband is a sub.. I do not get his mindset what so ever. His perception is totally different than mine.
PT (IVs long distance beau) and his wife were involved in D/s dynamics but apparently are no longer. Whenever I am involved in conversations with IV about how they work it often degenerates into a "but I don't know, because there is such a funky power exchange history that I don't get". IV and I generally just have to shrug and move on to a new topic.

Independence and power exchange are at opposite ends of the spectrum of relating.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 09-06-2013, 01:41 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,429
Default

If it's a full-time thing, yes, it does greatly impact the way the relationships go.
There is a BDSM thread (which I started many moons ago) somewhere. But honestly-I haven't looked at it in ages. There were others who kept going with it. But I haven't.

For some of us-our D/s is worked AROUND the reality of our life. So for example;
As a sub-I reserve the right to run my OTHER relationships AS I SEE FIT. Period. I don't agree to having my poly limited. I don't agree to have my parenting rights limited or my financial rights or my educational rights.
I agree to a set number of submissive things. One is that when going out to eat, I don't order for myself. He does. But-if I'm with another partner-that is part of MY OTHER RELATIONSHIP and he has no say so in how that plays out.

Some people put their D/s dynamic first and work the rest of their life around it.
That would TOTALLY not work for me.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 09-06-2013, 06:27 AM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

You can have a full time M\s relationship with someone and be the "slave" for example, and still have healthy poly relationships.You just have to find someone who either has no wish to impact on outside relationships that you have or find people outside the relationship who will be happy to slot in and enhance the dynamic. That is a little harder, especially if you are looking for people to have "more" than sex with.

The idea of putting your D/s dynamic first is only a problem in polyamory if your D/s dynamic includes the D Type controlling who the s type dates. That isn't inherent in D/s or M/s relationships. It's just what some people do in their D/s or M/s relationship. Other people who are both kinky and poly don't do things that way though because they know it is sort of unfair to indirectly control someone else without consent.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
breaks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:52 AM.