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  #11  
Old 09-05-2013, 12:53 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Ah, much love to you all as usual.

TO GG and LR, to clarify...I guess Im feeling insecure. I dont have any unmet needs...hes flat out wonderful. We spend more time together lately, hes attentive and sweet (i hope hes reading this..haha) and I know he loves me.
I guess i dont get why HE needs to date, what need is he looking for? is there something me or wife isnt doing? Or am I gonig against my own poly nature by questioning someones need for multiple partners? those are rhetorical questions.

Marcus, thank you for making a star wars reference on my post. you rock.
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  #12  
Old 09-05-2013, 01:27 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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If you are insecure, your unmet need is to feel secure and safe. at the very minimum.

You could read the need inventory and circle the things you think you need to help you articulate and figure yourself out. Once you know the unmet needs, you can divvy them up by WHO. WHO would you like to meet the need? You? DH? Nudge?

Quote:
I guess i dont get why HE needs to date, what need is he looking for? is there something me or wife isnt doing?
If you need reassurance that you are meeting his needs, you could ASK HIM.

Quote:
Or am I going against my own poly nature by questioning someones need for multiple partners?
That sounds like it could be core belief -- "I am not enough."

Like...

"He's got wife for wife-ness and me for GF-ness so what's he need more GF's for? I must not be enough GF for him."
"I sometimes feel wiggy. I must not be poly enough."


You seem to connect things a lot that don't need to connect and then crank yourself up in your head thinks.

This does not seem to have anything to do with your poly nature directly. This seems to be about your "secure."

Your "secure" with what?
  • Trusting his word?
  • The relationship being too new still to feel "stable" yet?
  • Your perceived worth/value as a person?
  • Your confidence in your ability to practice poly?
  • How you think about yourself/talk to yourself in your head cranking you up?
  • A combo? Something else?

I dunno. Could spend some time thinking on that. Could sort yourself out.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-05-2013 at 08:11 PM.
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  #13  
Old 09-05-2013, 01:52 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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hmm...i do work myself up in my head regularly dont i? thanks for pointing that out. (thats sincerity, not sarcasm)
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  #14  
Old 09-05-2013, 02:04 PM
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Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
I dont have any unmet needs...hes flat out wonderful. I guess i dont get why HE needs to date.
There doesn't necessarily need to be some kind of deficit to want another partner or fling. Sometimes we just want "more" and I like being with someone who will go out and get it if that's what they want. Just because I don't happen to want "more" at the moment has nothing to do with how they feel.

As far as the available time, that is a difficulty in life. If he decides he wants to take on a new hobby are you planning to tell him he can't do that? If he meets a new group of friends who do "guy things" a couple of times a week do you plan to tell him he has "enough friends"? Sometimes we don't get as much time with our loved ones as we would like. If that is the case, we should try to schedule in time with them, ask them out for drinks, come up with a hobby that we enjoy together, etc. What we should *not* do is try to restrict their lives so that they have enough time to sate our insecurities.
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  #15  
Old 09-05-2013, 02:22 PM
london london is offline
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You know, realistically, I could never probably have the time for more than two committed relationships at a time. However, having the option to have more, ie not having a closed relationship, is really important to me. He might be the same.
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  #16  
Old 09-05-2013, 03:39 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Since there doesn't seem to be any problems with actual scheduling and how much time you get, it does seem pretty foolish to ask him to close the relationship, at least when doing so comes from a place where you think it is going to address a concern you are having . Your comments typically sound like you know better than to take an irrational approach to solving your insecurity problems, so this post sort of seems out of character, at least from what I've read of the words you share on the forum.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to close your relationships, so it always kind of irks me when people need to mention all the "wrong" attributes of monogamous viewpoints, all of us get decide how we want to live, it's up to each of US as individuals and whether or not the people we choose to be in relationships with decide to accept the love a person offers.

There really isn't any reason to buck any style of relationship that people choose to live, you don't need any excuse to exercise the freedom to choose how you are going to have intimate relationships. The whole "this way is right" and another way is "wrong" is for anyone to say except for in our lives. If one of the reasons a person is non-monogamous, is because mono people have try to own each other, you might want to think about a reason you are polyamorous without having to justify it. There is absolutely no reason to justify your relationships by identifying how yours are right and someone else is wrong. Choose what you happy in life. The poly is right and mono is wrong attitude is the basis for the reason why people have to struggle just to be themselves, as the world is just now beginning to start taking a serious look at holistic civil rights.

I firmly believe that anytime you attempt to address problems in your life or relationships that have an element of denial in your planned solution will end up causing problems -- and not ultimately solving anything -- but rather compounding the issue. And if there is a real issue, solutions that started with denial will make addressing the issue successfully later on even harder because you are already making the root of the problem more hidden when your game plan is to go the easy route.

Anytime we justify the more "convenient" point of view simply because we don't feel like really addressing the issue, it is just going to ultimately add more dissatisfying aspects to your life, so I would take an honest look at what is really bothering you, and sometimes that takes many attempts to do. It's good to set the thought down and come back to it later so that your self-reflection happens from different emotional states or moods, at least that is what helps me be more honest with myself. It really isn't easy to do, and it is a practice, when some part of life feels dissatisfying to the point where you are thinking about taking action, make sure you identify the real problem and choose a more effective way to deal with it. Addressing the real issue will always be better for you in the long run. Sometimes you get lucky and the effective action is convenient, you just don't want to be taking the easy way out when it may not be as related to the problem as much as you initially believe, our emotions can get US to lie to ourselves if we aren't paying attention.

So take the time to figure out exactly what feels wrong or is making you insecure, sometimes it doesn't even require action, just don't get into the habit of solving problems by not addresing the issue, it's the same thing as feeling the need to be "correct" and "right" about the style of dynamic you choose to have in your relationships in your life. You don't need any excuses or reason to justify how you engage others, it is OK to do it your way simply because you feel like it.

But you'd be doing yourself a favor if you knew the real reasons behind your emotions, as that enables you to understand authentic emotions as opposed to training yourself to fool yourself

You don't have to be "right" or "correct" you just want to find a way to live that you know without any doubt will leave you content and satisfied, and that can be anything and anyway you choose, whatever you identify that makes you genuinely happy to live, along with those who choose to share their life with you
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  #17  
Old 09-06-2013, 01:27 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is online now
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I happen to have a personal limit to no more dating for myself-because I don't have time.
But-I reserve the RIGHT to date others.

It's about trust and openness and not having someone else control me. It's not about unmet needs.
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  #18  
Old 09-06-2013, 01:29 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
I guess i dont get why HE needs to date, what need is he looking for? is there something me or wife isnt doing? Or am I gonig against my own poly nature by questioning someones need for multiple partners? those are rhetorical questions.
I don't understand why you feel the need to figure this out, nor that there should be any reason other than "he wants to." Maybe he feels he's got a lot of love to give, maybe he feels that there are so many fabulous women in the world that he shouldn't limit himself if another one comes along, maybe he's just a horndog - what does it have to do with you? Is it okay for you to date more if you want, but he can't even be open to it? Does he question why you need to be with him in addition to your husband? Is he supposed to kiss the ground where you stand and express the utmost gratitude that you came into his life because now he can stop looking? It all sounds super insecure to me, hon. I think you would do well to keep looking at that.
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  #19  
Old 09-06-2013, 03:33 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
I guess i dont get why HE needs to date, what need is he looking for? is there something me or wife isnt doing? Or am I gonig against my own poly nature by questioning someones need for multiple partners? those are rhetorical questions.
Why does anyone else do anything else? Focusing on why someone else does what they do can be a futile endeavor and counterproductive to the health of a relationship.

When I find myself obsessing and trying to figure out and control someone else's thoughts, beliefs, decisions, behaviors etc. it is usually a sign that I need to start focusing on myself again.

Back to square one.
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  #20  
Old 09-06-2013, 12:52 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Thanks guys. you are all very right that I'm being insecure, and its kinda weird. Im actually feeling better about it as he has suggested some more social activities we can do together...I guess I was kind of feeling like our relationship was always us alone and i am a VERY social person, so instead of saying "Nudge, lets me more social" my head went "nudge! dont go be social without me!" lame on me, but Ive come around and am working on it with him.

Why the hell else am I insecure? i dunno, but im working on it
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