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  #1  
Old 09-05-2013, 05:21 AM
herstory herstory is offline
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Unhappy Seeking a little advice

I had a relationship which started out as a FWB over a year ago. Although, the lines were quite smudged especially after he told me he loved me a couple of months ago. Over time that friend started wanting more involvement in my life and I allowed it. I had fallen in love with him. The only thing I asked of him was to be safe while sleeping with other people. Meaning - use a condom and have them get tested prior to sex - at the very least use a darn condom.

Well he reconnected with an old fling and they had unprotected sex. He avoided hanging out with me when we could be intimate and then a week later told me what had happened. I was upset, it took me a couple days, but I forgave him. I wasn't ready to be intimate with him until after he got tested. He mentioned how he might be monogamous to me for a while (which I openly laughed at, cause I knew that wasn't for him) and then a couple days later he did it again.

I told him we could only be friends now. But I'm still upset. I'm not sure when I can be friends with him. I thought we were at a point where there was a strong commitment to respecting each other. While he was honest, he didn't think of how his unprotected sex would affect me. Although, he says he did think of me and that is why he was honest about it. I feel pushed aside and hurt. I don't want him back intimately but I need to get to the place where I can forgive him and move on. Suggestions?

Last edited by herstory; 09-05-2013 at 05:24 AM.
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Old 09-05-2013, 12:16 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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I do have a couple of questions before any advice.

1) If they had gotten tested and didn't have any STD/STIs why would he still need to use a condom? If you were concerned about sexual health if that part is already known to not be an issue why should condoms be needed?

2) If you were concerned about your sexual health why not, instead of telling him he needs to use a condom with other partners, decide that you and him would use condoms?

You know you don't want an intimate relationship with him. Yes, your trust was damaged. He was honest which was good. You need to learn how to separate what was a betrayal in your relationship from the trust you could have in a friend to be honest with you. Don't try to rush it. Give it a month or two and get to a point you aren't hurting from what happened in the relationship.
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  #3  
Old 09-05-2013, 12:42 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by herstory View Post
Well he reconnected with an old fling and they had unprotected sex. He avoided hanging out with me when we could be intimate and then a week later told me what had happened.
He was honest with you and did not put your health at risk. This gave you the opportunity to make an informed decision about what protection you should use with him until he gets tested again an is all clear. To me, that is a good sign of a healthy relationship.

Since he obviously is having an issue with using protection with this particular partner and you don't trust that everyone is clean... use condoms with him or don't have sex with him. Are you upset because he's putting your health at risk or because he's not doing what he's told? I don't really understand what the problem is.
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Old 09-05-2013, 12:54 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I think Marcus gave you sound advice. I would use a condom since you can't trust that he will follow through with what he agreed to. It speaks volumes to me about his character. I would be concerned at this point if he will be honest in the future since he knows this upsets you.

Do you know if she went and got tested before they had unprotected sex?
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Old 09-05-2013, 01:12 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I feel pushed aside and hurt. I don't want him back intimately but I need to get to the place where I can forgive him and move on. Suggestions?
I think I get it.

He dinged you once -- that is one thing.

Him dinging you again thoughtlessly? Him thinking of your well being later as an afterthought rather than a forethought doesn't feel good. And his response seems like 'Well, at least I thought of you at all" -- that doesn't feel good either.

You seem to prefer your lovers to consider you and think of your well being more intentionally, as forethought. So you have decided to let him go as a lover because he keeps dinging you. Understandable.

Now you need help forgiving so you can move on.

Perhaps it could help to remember the "forgiveness process" (at least to me) is several parts.

1) Ask him to apologize for dinging you. That would be good.

2) Then forgive. Even if he doesn't apologize. It's better for YOUR mental health not to have to carry that around. That's step two. It is more for YOU than for him. You could think "I'm going to forgive you. On Sunday. I don't have to love it, but I'm going to, for my OWN well being. Between here and there I'm going to think all kinds of GRR at you and on Sunday I'm going to forgive you and let it go." Because to forgive is basically a decision one makes. Then over time it feels better to have made it.

3) Giving opportunity to make amends at this time and dial it down to friends? That won't be given here right now.
That would be nice for HIM, but you don't want to be left open to new dings at this time.

Maybe knowing you don't HAVE to do part 3 right away helps you be able to forgive? Maybe in time you will consider giving opportunity to make ammends and return to a friendship in right relationship. Maybe not.

But for right now maybe you want to give yourself permission to hold off on that? Could that help? Taking it in micro-stages?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-05-2013 at 01:15 PM.
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  #6  
Old 09-05-2013, 04:00 PM
herstory herstory is offline
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Red face Thank you.

Thank you for the feedback and questions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CattivaGattina View Post
I do have a couple of questions before any advice.

1) If they had gotten tested and didn't have any STD/STIs why would he still need to use a condom? If you were concerned about sexual health if that part is already known to not be an issue why should condoms be needed?

2) If you were concerned about your sexual health why not, instead of telling him he needs to use a condom with other partners, decide that you and him would use condoms?
1) Because condoms cannot protect from all sti's. Some people test in the window where sti's are still developing. Some people have multiple partners who also aren't using protection or getting tested.

2) Again because condoms do not protect from all sti's. They help reduce chance of infections. Not all infections happen on the area covered by a condom. Also, he broke my trust. I don't usually have sex with people I don't trust.

It has been a couple of weeks since this happened so I am ready to start thinking about forgiving him. I appreciate you asking me the above questions. It helped me figure out some things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Are you upset because he's putting your health at risk or because he's not doing what he's told?
I asked him to use condoms and make sure other people he has sex with are tested. He tests regularly. He made it seem like he was in favor of the decision. It's something we both did for each other. I don't feel like I initially told him what to do. After the first incident, I told him that is what I was most upset about and for him to please use protection in the future.

In the beginning of our FWB situation he had an unprotected one night stand with someone who had herpes. It was a big deal for us. We didn't have sex for about 4 months.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
Do you know if she went and got tested before they had unprotected sex?
No she was not tested. She told him she was clean. He believed her. Too risky for me. Especially since she was in a "monogamous" marriage that is falling apart (they now split up).

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I think I get it.

He dinged you once -- that is one thing.

Him dinging you again thoughtlessly? Him thinking of your well being later as an afterthought rather than a forethought doesn't feel good. And his response seems like 'Well, at least I thought of you at all" -- that doesn't feel good either.

You seem to prefer your lovers to consider you and think of your well being more intentionally, as forethought. So you have decided to let him go as a lover because he keeps dinging you. Understandable.

Now you need help forgiving so you can move on.

Perhaps it could help to remember the "forgiveness process" (at least to me) is several parts.

1) Ask him to apologize for dinging you. That would be good.

2) Then forgive. Even if he doesn't apologize. It's better for YOUR mental health not to have to carry that around. That's step two. It is more for YOU than for him. You could think "I'm going to forgive you. On Sunday. I don't have to love it, but I'm going to, for my OWN well being. Between here and there I'm going to think all kinds of GRR at you and on Sunday I'm going to forgive you and let it go." Because to forgive is basically a decision one makes. Then over time it feels better to have made it.

3) Giving opportunity to make amends at this time and dial it down to friends? That won't be given here right now.
That would be nice for HIM, but you don't want to be left open to new dings at this time.

Maybe knowing you don't HAVE to do part 3 right away helps you be able to forgive? Maybe in time you will consider giving opportunity to make ammends and return to a friendship in right relationship. Maybe not.

But for right now maybe you want to give yourself permission to hold off on that? Could that help? Taking it in micro-stages?

Galagirl
Yes, yes, yes, THANK YOU!

He has apologized for hurting me. He's a nice guy just not very intentionally thoughtful in this situation. I really appreciate the feedback.
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  #7  
Old 09-05-2013, 05:10 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by herstory View Post
In the beginning of our FWB situation he had an unprotected one night stand with someone who had herpes. It was a big deal for us. We didn't have sex for about 4 months.
So he has a proven history of not using protection with his lovers (including you). He also has a proven history of clearly communicating with you what is happening in his sex life so that you can make an informed decision. What does that tell you?

One way to take this information is to be pissed off and have hurt feelings. To lose a friendship and assume villainy on him. To assume that HE should use condoms for YOUR sake.

Another way is to realize that your expectation of how he is to behave in his sex life is not going to be met. That being the case, *you* should use condoms with him. Viola, problem solved and no one needs to break up or be the "bad guy".

Should this really require you end the relationship with him? Do you dislike using condoms that much?

Quote:
Originally Posted by herstory View Post
Because condoms cannot protect from all sti's
There is apparently a miniscule risk of transmitting infections or getting pregnant even with condoms. If this minor risk is really that important to you then I think it would be unwise for you to have sex with anyone (ever), unless it can be proven (I mean, with GPS tracking and video footage) that your lovers follow the correct protocol.
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  #8  
Old 09-05-2013, 05:21 PM
herstory herstory is offline
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Haha, you are right. I'm a little nutty when it comes to condoms.

We did use condoms up until we made an agreement that other people we had sex with would be safe.

I just feel that in my situation right now having sex with him anytime soon isn't going to happen. He made a promise he didn't keep. He's not a bad guy and yes, I kind of saw it coming - It still hurt my feelings.

But I appreciate your ability to be blunt and abrasive, lol.

Does anybody have a micro drone I can borrow? just playing...
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  #9  
Old 09-05-2013, 05:36 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by herstory View Post
Haha, you are right. I'm a little nutty when it comes to condoms.

We did use condoms up until we made an agreement that other people we had sex with would be safe.
If you don't trust condoms, and that is a major part of the issue, why did you trust them previously? That doesn't follow.

Quote:
Originally Posted by herstory View Post
He made a promise he didn't keep. He's not a bad guy and yes, I kind of saw it coming - It still hurt my feelings.
People are too quick to make promises, certainly when the reward is to have unprotected sex with their partner...

You probably could have told him "we can stop using condoms if you promise to never poop again" and he would have agreed.
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  #10  
Old 09-05-2013, 05:53 PM
herstory herstory is offline
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Default okay so I have been leaving a little something out...

Yes, Marcus keep pushing for more information, lol.

I'm now working on becoming pregnant for a couple and I want to minimize the risks as much as I can without completely giving up sex. I know...shame on me for being poly and a surrogate.

You're so funny but likely correct.
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