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Old 09-03-2013, 05:09 PM
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ColorsWolf ColorsWolf is offline
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Talking Hello!~ ^_^ I'm ColorsWolf, am I weird?~

Hello, I am ColorsWolf.~ A pleasure to meet you all!~

I feel...weird...confused about some things.

I respect and can understand all lifestyles, but it just seems some times that my way of thinking is generations out of sync with modern times.~

I'm not looking for anything 'purely physical' because I don't understand 'purely physical' and it seems very unappealing to me.~

Emotions are a part of who I am and they are a part of everything, so why would I ever want to separate them from anything?~

I don't understand 'purely physical' relationships that other people have, how can some one just 'turn-off' their emotions like that and become a robot?~ (Love-Machine? Haha!~ XD)

I've had sex before but it was online in a 3D virtual world (Second Life), I thought why not try out this whole "just bang anyone thing" and it was just like I thought it would be: briefly satisfying but cold and hollow afterwards...so cold *shiver*.~

I stopped playing Second Life, because even without the sex, the things I was doing in that 3D world I wanted to do here in THIS world: I wanted to hold someone, to kiss someone, to touch someone, and the more I realized I had't done that yet here the more depressed I became. So I stopped playing Second Life because it had lost its' appeal to me and it was just too painful to bear anymore.~


What I want is to love some one, but I don't expect anything and I would rather they not expect anything either, because when you do things in relationships just because they are expected of you, that defeats the whole purpose. I want some one to be with me because they WANT to be with me not out of any sense of obligation.~

I look at shows where Bill falls in love with Jenna, but Jenna doesn't feel the same way at first, so Bill moves on and falls in love with Jasmine, Jasmine falls in love with Bill right away, but then Jenna comes back and finally admits she loves Bill, now Bill must choose...why?~

I don't understand these situations the way they are presented in the last parts, why does Bill have to choose between tearing either 1 half of his heart out or the other half, why can't Bill just be honest and say, "I can't possibly choose between either of you, because you both are the two halves of my heart."?

I want to love some one, but if they feel any feelings for some one else I'll encourage them to explore those feelings. You can only love 1 person...why?
Ever hear of the phrase "Free Love", they meant it: love that is free with no expectations and completely unconditional, not this distorted concept it has been turned into years later.~ Yes you can have sex with any one you feel like with no expectations and no conditions attached, but that's not all the "Free Love" movement and concept was trying to accomplish.~

It seems people have forgotten the purpose behind the movement and what it even means any more.~ It seems with every revolution there is always a backlash trying to return things to how they once were. It seems between the revolution of love and the backlash that resulted from it created today's: "Free Sex" movement, but still with traditionalist values....weird.~ o.O

Am I weird for thinking like this, from what I've read I'm not, but is it weird to want love as free as sex is today with no conditions what so ever?~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On another note, there's something else I'm concerned about: I'm currently in the U.S.A. Navy Military and my life from this point on will be a very chaotic nomadic lifestyle, but that's something I've always wanted to live regardless of whether or not I was in the Military.

I'm not really concerned with Military, because I know how to handle things with them and I don't plan on getting married as I see it as unnecessary for me personally, let alone legally married because I believe the law and government should have no say in my love life without my consent, yet another positive ideal that 'Free Love' actually originated from well before the 1960s.

It's the chaotic free-spirited nomadic lifestyle, I know a lot of people crave 'stability' and that's not something I find appealing, I'm just a little concerned about how my desires for love without conditions and my happy chaotic free-spirited nomadic lifestyle will go together. I mean unless all my loves travel with me or I love some one and we pursue our own life paths then perhaps maybe years later we will meet again, or perhaps some combination of the two.

Sorry for so many words, I just had to lay down all my concerns I've been feeling lately and haven't really had any one to talk to about this.~

Last edited by ColorsWolf; 09-03-2013 at 09:04 PM.
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  #2  
Old 09-03-2013, 06:18 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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[QUOTE=ColorsWolf;226293]
Quote:
I'm not looking for anything 'purely physical' because I don't understand 'purely physical' and it seems very unappealing to me.~ Emotions are a part of who I am and they are a part of everything, so why would I ever want to separate them from anything?~ I don't understand 'purely physical' relationships that other people have, how can some one just 'turn-off' their emotions like that and become a robot?~ (Love-Machine? Haha!~ XD)
*trying this Quote thing - will see how it works.*

Lots of people - men, women, transfolk, genderqueer - find they need emotions to be involved to be or feel sexual. Some folks need to feel in love to feel any desire at all. Lots of poly folk need emotions as part of their sexuality. So you are far from alone.

However, a caution. There are always things we just don't get about other people. People who enjoy sex with others just for the physical contact are not robots who lack all feeling. They don't become the Borg. They just don't have the same emotional set up and needs you do. I personally don't need love to have and enjoy sex. I want a certain level of knowing the other person - I prefer friendship as a starting point for lovers. It's not always a requirement for me but I find that my longest lasting relationships begin as friendships. I find I don't care for truly anonymous sex but those who do, it's not because they feel nothing for themselves or their partner. It's more complex than that. Some like the thrill of the unknown, some like the variety, and lots more reasons.

Quote:
I've had sex before but it was online in a 3D virtual world (Second Life), I thought why not try out this whole "just bang anyone thing" and it was just like I thought it would be: briefly satisfying but cold and hollow afterwards...so cold *shiver*.~

I stopped playing Second Life, because even without the sex, the things I was doing in that 3D world I wanted to do here in THIS world: I wanted to hold someone, to kiss someone, to touch someone, and the more I realized I had't done that yet here the more depressed I became. So I stopped playing Second Life because it had lost its' appeal to me and it was just too painful to bear anymore.~
So, to make sure I understand, you have not yet had physical sex with another person?

I get that about sex online. I find it enjoyable, sometimes, as flirtation, as a way to get to know someone. But actual cyber sex, even in something as advanced as Second Life, I found unsatisfying. It is electronic masturbation. Nothing wrong with that but not so great, at least for me.

Quote:
What I want is to love some one, but I don't expect anything and I would rather they not expect anything either, because when you do things in relationships just because they are expected of you, that defeats the whole purpose. I want some one to be with me because they WANT to be with me not out of any sense of obligation.~
You may want to google something called Relationship Anarchy. People who practice this form of ethical non-monogamy do not like to have expectations set on them or set them on others. There is other aspects to it but, as I personally don't practice relationship anarchy, I don't have the knowledge to describe it further. I also have major philosophical differences with it - I don't think it works well and, more importantly, I don't like and agree with the understanding of the world that is the foundation of it.

Quote:
I look at shows where Bill falls in love with Jenna, but Jenna doesn't feel the same way at first, so Bill moves on and falls in love with Jasmine, Jasmine falls in love with Bill right away, but then Jenna comes back and finally admits she loves Bill, now Bill must choose...why?~

I don't understand these situations the way they are presented in the last parts, why does Bill have to choose between tearing either 1 half of his heart out or the other half, why can't Bill just be honest and say, "I can't possibly choose between either of you, because you both are the two halves of my heart."?
You are likely in the right neighborhood! Poly and other forms of ethical non-monogamy may work well for you. One can only try and see what happens.

Quote:
I want to love some one, but if they feel any feelings for some one else I'll encourage them to explore those feelings. You can only love 1 person...why?
Ever hear of the phrase "Free Love", they meant it: love that is free with no expectations and completely unconditional, not this distorted concept it has been turned into years later.~ Yes you can have sex with any one you feel like with no expectations and no conditions attached, but that's not all the "Free Love" movement and concept was trying to accomplish.~

It seems people have forgotten the purpose behind the movement and what it even means any more.~ It seems with every revolution there is always a backlash trying to return things to how they once were. It seems between the revolution of love and the backlash that resulted from it created today's: "Free Sex" movement, but still with traditionalist values....weird.~ o.O
Do you mean the free love movements of the Sixties? They did a lot to advance sex positive culture but there was also a dark side to that movement. It was initially really focused on men's pleasure. The concept of consent was not emphasized as much as one would hope. Women were pressured into having sex to prove how counterculture they were. It was not welcoming - at least initially - to lesbians, gay men or bisexuals. (Transfolk were not even in the conversation then.) It was not as free and unconventional as one would hope it was. The LBGT movement and the feminist movement did attempt to address the failings of the free love movement - like knowledge about women's pleasure, women's orgasms, and women's sexual health and that gay people existed and deserved to be who they were openly.

Quote:
Am I weird for thinking like this, from what I've read I'm not, but is it weird to want love as free as sex is today with no conditions what so ever?
No, not weird at all. It's important to dream, to think about possibilities, even those that others don't agree with or understand.

I personally do not want love without conditions, without expectations. Those things, while uncomfortable and sometimes unreasonable, form part of an interdependent web for me. (Note I said interdependent - not codependent, dependent, or independent.) Connections, for me, are formed in part through conditions, through expectations. I expect my partners to be there for me. I expect to do the same for them. If they are unwilling or unable to do that consistently (hey we are human and fail sometimes) then that relationship cannot stand as it is currently organized. I often wonder - and this is judgmental on my part, I fully acknowledge this - if those who want no expectations, no conditions also want no commitment and connection.

Anyway, very thought provoking!
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Old 09-03-2013, 06:58 PM
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Thanks opalescent,

The last part you mentioned about expectations, I don't expect someone to care about me, I would hope they did if they loved me, if you love some one wouldn't you care about them?~

It's not that you love some one so you expect yourself to care about them, it's you love them and you caring about them just comes naturally. It doesn't have to be so complicated.~

That's the way I see it and that's what I meant before.~

It's the whole 'oh so you love me and I love you, so I expect you to stay with me'. I would rather some one tell me what they want, rather than just expect me to know it, because no two relationships are exactly the same.~

I know some people's love is so very strong, but a lot of times when they start expecting each other to read the other's mind or just some how 'know' what each other want without bothering to talk about it and/or to confirm it that's when I start to notice when things seem to fall apart.~

Last edited by ColorsWolf; 09-03-2013 at 09:04 PM.
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Old 09-03-2013, 09:31 PM
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Hello ColorsWolf,
Welcome to our forum.

You post many things that are worth thinking about and are relevant to the vector of relationship culture today. If you are skeptical about the idea that, "I love you so very much that I know what your thoughts are," you are in the right place because polyamorous wisdom strongly encourages verbal communication and not relying on "mind-reading." While love certainly has its romantic aspect, it also has a practical side, and communication is the most important part of that.

Re:
Quote:
"I look at shows where Bill falls in love with Jenna, but Jenna doesn't feel the same way at first, so Bill moves on and falls in love with Jasmine, Jasmine falls in love with Bill right away, but then Jenna comes back and finally admits she loves Bill, now Bill must choose ... Why?"
Luckily, there are a couple of shows that address that very issue: Paint Your Wagon (1969, Lee Marvin, Jean Seberg, Clint Eastwoods) and Bandits (2001, Billy Bob Thorton, Cate Blanchett, Bruce Willis). Plus there have been several other poly movies made over the years. My personal favorites are December Bride (1990, Donal McCann, Saskia Reeves, Ciarán Hinds), A Small Circle of Friends (1980, Brad Davis, Karen Allen, Jameson Parker), and Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008, Rebecca Hall, Javier Bardem, Scarlett Johansson). All of these shows present the startling idea that "you don't always have to choose."

From your description, it sounds like you are not looking for relationships where you are "tied down" (such as to a situation or a location), but rather relationships where there is an "emotional connection" (and not just a physical aspect). Polyamory is all about the emotional side of a romantic relationship, so you should find yourself among friends here. Some people do admittedly add an element of commitment. I am in a polyfidelitous V, and we consider it to be very much like a marriage. But not every poly person has a marriage-like arrangement.

You may very well be a "relationship anarchist." Relationship Anarchy (RA) is a form of polyamory in which relationships are not formally defined, so that one is not expected to behave strictly as a "friend," a "spouse," a "lover," a "partner," or what have you, in the company of any one (or more) other person (or persons). Many relationship anarchists simply call everyone they know "friend." This freedom from RD (Relationship Definitionism) enables several parallel relations that can each be friendly, sensual, and sexual. As with other forms of polyamory, RA depends on the acceptance of all persons involved. A good link regarding RA is http://community.livejournal.com/finpoly/10085.html

Anyway, I hope you enjoy your stay on this site.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 09-03-2013, 10:15 PM
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Thank you so much Kevin T.!~

I don't usually receive such a warm welcome on forums I register with, at least not lately....<.<...so it's SUCH NICE CHANGE that you all are SOOOO welcoming!~ ^_^

Although the ideals of Relationship Anarchy sounds close to many of my own ideals, I developed my own ideas of what I wanted out of life, love, and relationships all on my own and from everything everywhere.~

I don't like to put labels on ANYTHING, because I feel that I always somehow never quite 'fit' into any label.

To label relationship anarchy: "Relationship Anarchy" and have everyone called who practices "Relationship Anarchy" "friends" amongst each other, well isn't that establishing a system with rules that's labeled otherwise and thus a contradiction?

By establishing a system with it's 'rules' to 'call all within the dynamic 'friends' so as not to be 'limited in freedom', they are in fact establishing and following a system or way of thinking that they initially set-out NOT TO.

I see everything as far more complicated when everyone starts putting labels on everything.

I have no gender for gender is a limiting mental concept and I have no defined sexuality.

I am who I am and I like what I like. If you want to know more specifically about me, then please ask. I know this may seem complicated, but it's going to be complicated at times anyways, at least this feels more 'honest'.

I would rather go by each individual's preferences, rather than assume to know everything about such said individual simply by the labels they profess to be.~
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Old 09-04-2013, 12:14 AM
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Welcome to the forum! I agree with a lot of what you have said. When seriously thinking about my personal values, I realized a long time ago that I value freedom over security. So- I have set up a life of freedom and in doing that I realized that I do value security some also. At the same time, I don't feel the need to choose between opposing values. I believe that I (and anyone) can create a life that works for me and even if the life I am creating is based on opposing values.

I have never been married and do not plan on ever doing that. The concept doesn't work for me.

Richard and I have been seeing each other (off and on) for 10 years and when we are together it is simply because we want to be together. We do not have any type of commitment. We don't make promises to each other. We do not have obligations to uphold. We do love one another, and we do not see love as possessing each other. We talk about being together in the future, but do not feel the need to promise that. If it happens, it happens. I also don't want someone to be with me because they made a commitment that they would never leave me. That means nothing to me.

For us, love really thrives in this type of environment!!

Good luck and keep sharing!!
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Old 09-04-2013, 02:34 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post
Welcome to the forum! I agree with a lot of what you have said. When seriously thinking about my personal values, I realized a long time ago that I value freedom over security. So- I have set up a life of freedom and in doing that I realized that I do value security some also. At the same time, I don't feel the need to choose between opposing values. I believe that I (and anyone) can create a life that works for me and even if the life I am creating is based on opposing values.

I have never been married and do not plan on ever doing that. The concept doesn't work for me.

Richard and I have been seeing each other (off and on) for 10 years and when we are together it is simply because we want to be together. We do not have any type of commitment. We don't make promises to each other. We do not have obligations to uphold. We do love one another, and we do not see love as possessing each other. We talk about being together in the future, but do not feel the need to promise that. If it happens, it happens. I also don't want someone to be with me because they made a commitment that they would never leave me. That means nothing to me.

For us, love really thrives in this type of environment!!

Good luck and keep sharing!!
Thank you, this is exactly what I mean: I want to be with some one if they choose to be with me and I choose to be with them, we choose to be with each other and if we so choose we can fuse our life paths together as one.~

I know this may sound weird but I love the idea of when I am with some one I want to be with them every moment no matter what we are doing.~ I want to be in that kind of relationship(s) where we never get tired of each other's company.~

People often have their own "Personal Space" and I respect that much like among other animals: respect or be attacked, but for me personally if someone were to ask me, "What is your Personal Space level?" I would respond, "Personal Space...for me? What's that? Oh, it's THAT?! No thanks I don't think I need that." I do get annoyed or angry or anything some times just like any one else and it could vary based on the person and whether I find them annoying or not, but in general most of the time I'm a cuddly Teddy-Bear ^_^.~

I totally understand what you mean by not making promises, because life is unpredictable: it's sort of like waves in the ocean you can make things harder for yourself by fighting them or you could ride gently guiding yourself to where you want to go along the way.~ Do not worry if you feel an opportunity has passed you by, because all water eventually leads back to the ocean.~ For some things however you can fight the waves, it will not always be easy however as some waves are small while others are great, but if you want it enough you can make it happen, anything is possible.~

Me: I love you. My Love: I love you.
My Love: I want to be with you forever.
Me: Ok. I want to be with you forever. If life or anything shall separate us, then I will climb the highest mountains of purple star sand in the farthest galaxies across time and dimensions to find you. And if I don't I will still smile, for all water eventually returns back to the ocean.~
My Love: Ditto.

Last edited by ColorsWolf; 09-04-2013 at 03:27 AM.
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Old 09-04-2013, 06:14 PM
herstory herstory is offline
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Hi there. I am also new to this forum. I read your first couple posts in this thread and then skimmed through the others.

I am also figuring out what I currently need out of relationships. I try to think of my relationships as being fluid. I may need more stability or commitment right now, while in the past I did not and in the future I may not again.

I am big on being honest about connections and feelings. So polyamory really helps fulfill that aspect of my relationship needs.

I just want to put it out there that you're not weird, you're in transition. Something that I may always be in...Who knows?
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Old 09-04-2013, 09:01 PM
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So, your ideal is a very deep emotional connection, with an understanding that all things will work out even if they turn out differently than we had imagined. Is that an accurate description?

Re: labels ... yes, they have a way of sneaking up on us, and can be very counterproductive. I believe that each individual is very unique, so one-size-fits-all words don't actually fit very well.
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Old 09-04-2013, 10:06 PM
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ColorsWolf ColorsWolf is offline
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OMG (Oh MY Goddess) <-Just a saying..!~
You all are so wonderful, you actually LISTEN to what I have to say and don't just use me as a punching bag!~ XD I'm so happy I could cry right now!~
I've NEVER experienced anything like this before, there is almost always some one on EVERY forum I've ever been on that wants to use me as an example of everything they've ever hated, even if I never said any thing connected to some thing they hate!~ XD

Thank you all, I love you all so much!~ XD ^_^
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