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  #11  
Old 09-03-2013, 07:36 PM
poobah123 poobah123 is offline
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First..THANKS for all the responses! I will try and answer most of your questions.

So yes I agree I think this is an issue with me not accepting her introverted personality. I agree she shouldn't change entirely. However her personality is what pushed me away because I lacked what she could not give me. Affection, Sex, Acknowledgment that I exist. We were essentially roommates. So I ended up falling in love with someone else. So yes there were something in our marriage we had to fix and we are better off today.

I believe the primary relationship should be healthy before entering into a poly relationship and its just been back and forth. Good sometimes, bad other times. Mostly because the introverts don't tell us whats bothering them until weeks later!!

I agree my wife doesn't need to like her. The problem is my wife gets upset because of the natural differences between extra and introverted personalities. My OSO might organize something and my wife doesn't agree with it or feels like my OSO is running her life.

Niether I nor my family want her to change. We just WISH things could be different. My mother wishes she could have a closer bond with her but it just doesn't happen.

GalaGirl, will try to answer you

Not all problems have been resolved. However we acknowledge what they are and all try to work on ourselves. I guess in my thinking there should be more communication amongst the four of us and there is not.

This is a problem for me. I am often caught between my wife and my OSO. My get pissed. I am forced to upset one.

My family for the most part tries not to offend anyone. My mom is great. However she and my OSO get along great. LOVE to talk. My wife not so much but it is something my mother and family respects.

My goal is to be together and thrive! However I feel like we are just surviving ..very good way to put it.

Gotta get back to work but appreciate all the responses!! I will be back.
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  #12  
Old 09-03-2013, 07:48 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by poobah123 View Post
First..THANKS for all the responses! I will try and answer most of your questions.

So yes I agree I think this is an issue with me not accepting her introverted personality. I agree she shouldn't change entirely. However her personality is what pushed me away because I lacked what she could not give me. Affection, Sex, Acknowledgment that I exist. We were essentially roommates. So I ended up falling in love with someone else. So yes there were something in our marriage we had to fix and we are better off today.

I believe the primary relationship should be healthy before entering into a poly relationship and its just been back and forth. Good sometimes, bad other times. Mostly because the introverts don't tell us whats bothering them until weeks later!!
If I may make an observation, the issues you cited - acknowledgement, sex, affection - have nothing to do with the fact that your wife is an introvert. Being an introvert myself, and counting a number of them among my friends and family, they are as warm, friendly, and in my lover's case sexy as hell, as any extrovert. It is just that they all need time alone to recharge. So this whole introvert / extrovert divide you have going is a massive oversimplication of the problem.

These issues sound more related to inability to communicate, perhaps self-esteem issues, etc. Have you two tried counseling?
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  #13  
Old 09-03-2013, 08:23 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by poobah123 View Post
First..THANKS for all the responses! I will try and answer most of your questions.

So yes I agree I think this is an issue with me not accepting her introverted personality. I agree she shouldn't change entirely. However her personality is what pushed me away because I lacked what she could not give me. Affection, Sex, Acknowledgment that I exist. We were essentially roommates. So I ended up falling in love with someone else. So yes there were something in our marriage we had to fix and we are better off today.
Quote:
I agree my wife doesn't need to like her. The problem is my wife gets upset because of the natural differences between extra and introverted personalities. My OSO might organize something and my wife doesn't agree with it or feels like my OSO is running her life.
I think you need to re-assess the diagnosis. Neither of those "symptoms" you mention apply to introversion or extroversion. They are independent and telling of other potential challenges. They apply to other .. disorders but I am not a doctor and don't know enough to really put anything together. I just know that neither of those applies to introversion/extroversion.

Quote:
I believe the primary relationship should be healthy before entering into a poly relationship and its just been back and forth. Good sometimes, bad other times. Mostly because the introverts don't tell us whats bothering them until weeks later!!
Again, not an introvert problem. Introverts can let people know what the problems are, they just may not thrive in social situations. You can have an introvert who can clearly articulate their needs and wants as well as organize time. Being refective doesn't exclude being assertive or even sexual.

I agree the primary relationship should be healthy to be fair to anyone coming in. Otherwise all hell can break lose.

Quote:
I agree my wife doesn't need to like her. The problem is my wife gets upset because of the natural differences between extra and introverted personalities. My OSO might organize something and my wife doesn't agree with it or feels like my OSO is running her life.
Why are they scheduling anything with each other if they don't like each other? And if this schedule seems to be about you, why aren't you controlling the schedule and making sure both parties have their needs met and/or the situation is explained.

Each person can control them, their own schedule and their own life. Its up to the others to be self assured to manage their own set of schedules so things mesh.

Questions like these come up all the time. Can two doms co-exist. can two subs be sexual.. introverts and extroverts working together. The simple answer is yes, these opposing personalities can work, as long as everyone understands their strengths and weaknesses. Respect amongst the entire group is important too.. if there isn't any, then I pitty the person being "scheduled".. they will get torn apart.

good luck, I would find it very tough to be involved in a two couple arrangement where the 2.. hinges.. don't get along.

Cheers
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  #14  
Old 09-03-2013, 09:33 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
However her personality is what pushed me away because I lacked what she could not give me. Affection, Sex, Acknowledgment that I exist.
She's responsible alone for the health of the marriage?

You could consider reframing so you take some emotional responsibility for yourself. Maybe something like...

"Our marriage had problems.
  • She was not willing to do behavior toward me that demonstrated affection like I wanted at that time.
  • She was not willing to have sex like I wanted at that time.
  • She was not willing to acknowledgement that I exist like I wanted at that time.

I chose to disengage.
I chose to get my needs met elsewhere. I fell in love with SO."

Could keep in on behavior done/not done by her and behavior done/not done by you that fail to meet the needs of THE MARRIAGE for the marriage to be healthy. Rather making it be about personalities or your individual needs.

Nothing you list has anything to do with introverted/extroverted stuff as presented.

I note you do not list what behavior you DID try to arrive at new agreements so she could become more willing to meet your needs before choosing to disengage. What behaviors were they?

And was this polyship begun from an affair? You don't seem to say. That could pose some extra problem layers if so.

Quote:
I believe the primary relationship should be healthy before entering into a poly relationship.
Yep. But you are not beginning a polyship. You are IN one already.

Quote:
and its just been back and forth. Good sometimes, bad other times.
That sounds like the ups and downs of living. Happens in any relationship shape.

Quote:
Mostly because the introverts don't tell us whats bothering them until weeks later!!
This sounds like conflict resolution styles not lining up.

And what example conflicts could you give? Where in the communication does the break down seem to happen when conflict arises?

Is it a communication problem on the sender? The introverts do not "broadcast" their wants, needs, and limits clearly?

Is it a problem on the receiver? The introverts ARE broadcasting, but at low volume, so the extroverts have to learn to "tune in" to their channel better?

Is it BOTH things? Something else adding to the problems? Unknown/unrealistic expectations?

What communication METHOD is employed? Only oral communication? Could it be a problem with the METHOD? Email, text, or long hand notes better for the visual learners? Audio phone, in person oral better for the audio learners?

Because to me it seems to be more about communication issues than anything else. Do each of you understand your polymath -- that each polyship is made up of smaller "mini relationships" inside it? And that what happens in one, can be felt in another layer?

Quote:
This is a problem for me. I am often caught between my wife and my OSO. My get pissed. I am forced to upset one.
You could encourage them to talk to each other and sort their issues with each other without a go-between (you.)

What do you mean you are "forced to upset one?" Could you give an example? Are you not willing to say "I am not willing to be the go-between. I encourage you to talk to ___ directly instead."

Quote:
My goal is to be together and thrive! However I feel like we are just surviving …..very good way to put it.
Your goal for WHO? You and wife in the marriage? Or all 4 in the polyship?

And do all the other players share the same goal? The desire to be together and thrive rather than merely survive?

Quote:
I guess in my thinking there should be more communication amongst the four of us and there is not.
Could replace "should" with "could." It then becomes...

I guess in my thinking there could be more communication amongst the four of us and there is not.

When you do that, you open the door to collaboration.

Ok...fair enough. Communication COULD be better. Things always could be. So... WHERE could it improve? HOW could it improve? WHAT could we do about it? As a group and individually to support that common desire -- to improve group communication? What am *I* doing to improve communication? What am *I* doing to block clear communication?

Anyone avoiding?
Anyone blaming?
Anyone shaming?
Anyone guilt tripping?

Sometimes people get their hackles up and they get defensive when they hear "should" language. If you are in the habit of using "should" thoughtlessly -- you could be shooting your own effort in the foot before you even leave the gate because you have already turned off your listener. Your "should" talk has put their defensive ears on and now every word you say will come in through that filter. You may not mean to come across as "Mr Bossyboots" but that is how you could be perceived. Could you be willing to see that possibility?

When you couch it like "the extroverts vs the introverts" you are making it be "us vs them." This could be perceived as divisive. Rather than inclusive and presenting it as "there's this problem in our polyship. What can each of us do to help alleviate it?" so it is a team effort thing.

Do you know what conflict resolution style you and your poly partners have? If they are clashing styles, are you each willing to change/adapt so that conflict resolution can be smoother in this group?

Again, could read poly hell. Is your wife experiencing any of those? Demotion, displacement, intrusion? What behavior do you do to add/take away from those things? What about her?

Your mother may very well find it easier to get along with your GF than your wife. But she doesn't need to say it to your wife or you repeatedly. If she says it to you -- you don't need to repeat it to your wife. You may WISH for different in your head, but you could ACCEPT what you have here.

Is it loving and kind behavior to keep on telling your wife things like that? Nope. You as the husband could make it clear to your family of origin that they could let it go, because it is NOT kind/loving behavior toward your wife. You could stop it also if you are doing it.

You all help to create the atmosphere/environment that you have to live in. If the climate here stinks -- could take steps to stop ADDING to the stink pile, and could take takes to TAKE AWAY old stink that accumulated.

Sort yourselves out. Take it one thing at a time.

Hang in there.
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-03-2013 at 09:53 PM.
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  #15  
Old 09-04-2013, 01:30 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by poobah123 View Post
Mostly because the introverts don't tell us whats bothering them until weeks later!!
Passive, is the diagnosis you are looking for... passive. The fact that she is an introvert probably has encouraged her learning these passive conflict resolution techniques, but I assure you an introvert has exactly the same capacity to be assertive as an extrovert.


Quote:
Originally Posted by poobah123 View Post
My OSO might organize something and my wife doesn't agree with it or feels like my OSO is running her life.
You are responsible for your wifes relationship with your OSO?

Quote:
Originally Posted by poobah123 View Post
My mother wishes she could have a closer bond with her but it just doesn't happen.
You are also responsible for the status of the relationship between your wife and your mother?

Quote:
Originally Posted by poobah123 View Post
I guess in my thinking there should be more communication amongst the four of us and there is not.
You are responsible for everyone's relationship with everyone else?

Quote:
Originally Posted by poobah123 View Post
This is a problem for me. I am often caught between my wife and my OSO. My get pissed. I am forced to upset one.
You seem to have found yourself in the mediator position between various relationships. It's no wonder you are frustrated.

However, there is exactly one person who is to blame for this and exactly one person who can fix it. Yep, that would be you.

My suggestions:
Stop pointing fingers.
Stop playing mediator.
Start saying "that's not my business and it bums me out to hear it" to every person who tries to bring you into their garbage.
Start spending your time on something positive (hobby, job, friends, whatever)
Google "passive communication style"
In short, start living your life and stop worrying so much about how everyone else is living theirs.
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  #16  
Old 09-04-2013, 09:40 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Wow, reading your posts makes me feel very sorry for your wife that her partner is so highly critical of her. You would probably find fault in how she breathes. Egad. I suggest therapy or counseling so you can look at how angry you are - you come off to me as quite passive-aggressive in how you let your OSO make plans for your family and then whine and complain about your wife for simply not wanting your OSO all up in her business. Why shouldn't your wife want to run her own life and not have to cater to her metamour's expectations? Sheesh! Your OSO should just be responsible for her own relationship with you, and nothing more.
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An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
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