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Old 08-23-2013, 06:25 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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I'm writing this out partly because it's something I was considering posting anyway, but also as a test for whether it will work to let Grotto read my blog.

A horrible, dark aspect of the Grotto/Lobe clusterfuck. Something I hated to see grow inside me, and that I did not dare look at too closely. A small, feral animal that I was too afraid to feed.

Grotto's boundary, not wanting me to have a certain connection with Lobe, combined with my heady desire to explore, my actual fucking attraction to Lobe... and I found myself slipping into Comparing. Clamber out, fast!, before the dirt walls crumble...

Grotto and I have been together for over four years. Lobe and I have only gotten to know each other these past few months. Quite possibly a certifiable case of Extreme NRE. Adjust adjust for Forbidden Fruit.

What was I left with?

A part of me that couldn't help turning this over with a pitchfork. Who would I seriously want to be with, if I had to choose?

Sometimes I was frightened to realise that I didn't know.

Every relationship is different. I hate the idea of comparing one to the other. What's better: a sunflower or a blueberry?

This should be a no-brainer. My relationship with Grotto should obviously be my priority. I was genuinely trying to keep distance from Lobe, to let things heal between Grotto and me, but I couldn't seem to escape the magnetism. My subconscious continuously undermined the best intentions of my rational mind.

I knew it would never work to break up with Grotto to be with Lobe. Their friendship would hands-down trump a decision like that.

For some reason, though, I got thinking about parting ways with them both. Taking time out, recalibrating myself. I guess I'm more of a "flight" than "fight" person. But still, what the fuck?!

I feel ashamed that I had these thoughts. Deeply disloyal. A fickle bitch.

On the other hand, those were the collateral emotions of whatever shit was happening here. Emotions I wished I didn't have, emotions I did Not want to buy into. Emotions that I was trying to avoid having...

Lobe said at one point that he didn't want to fuck up the good relationship Grotto and I had.

I said - don't worry, Grotto and I are solid. We're good. We somehow-or-other sort our stuff out.

And yes, this is true.

On the other hand, the scenario itself was a crack in the armour. I could feel a chilling breeze... Jesus...

The best way forward, that I could think of, was to convert my behaviour into a dedication to Grotto... Respecting his boundary as a powerful sign of love. Yes, it may be hard but I needed to do this.

(One thing that helped, was my hope... ah, a flicker... that this might be okay some day. Me touching Lobe. BUT I had to temper that. I really did not want to pressure Grotto. Is it possible to have hope but not to expect? I needed to. I really needed to pull that off.)

Home alone, listening to "Stand by your Man" on repeat.

By chance, one day, Lobe started singing it. Maaaaan...

That was some crazy mood weather.

I haven't told Grotto about this part of how I felt. It was a tiny fracture, way down the hole. Put into words, I can imagine this would HURT.

But, it's also one of the Real Things I was feeling.

Something I was thinking about writing on this blog... but in the end, didn't need to because Miraculously! Lovingly! his boundary shifted.

Guess it's water under the bridge now, but oh so polluted. I wonder if he could ever read something like this without feeling pain... whether I could bear to let him read this.

Then again, he wants to see inside my shameful basement, my smoke-filled attic, that cupboard in the laundry with the rusted hinge.
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Old 08-25-2013, 07:25 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Had some solid "me time" this weekend. Made tracks on some creative projects, did a bunch of writing including letter writing... All really positive stuff.

Heading out in a wee bit to catch up with Lobe to go indoor rock climbing.

Six more weeks of living in this city. I'm watching the sunset over the backyard and I want it to take me down with it for a while, to just hold me a bit. Gonna miss you, chum
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Old 08-26-2013, 12:36 AM
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Lobe post-sex this morning: "I care about you a lot. It would not be incorrect to say 'I love you'."


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Old 08-28-2013, 09:26 PM
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Grotto's work's getting him down at the moment. His company was taken over by another company awhile ago and the worst of the cultural change is just filtering though now... Sucks to hear him so sad. He's fucking good at his job, but can't stand bullshit. And some of what's happening is just pointless micromanagement. He's violently allergic to that stuff, and his whole mood has gummed up because of it. It's hard to chat with him right now... his emotions keep coming round to thoughts of work, and he goes quiet. Poor dude. Wish I was there to wrap him up. Really feeling for him.

He's considering looking for another job, but I don't know whether things would be much different elsewhere. Seems the scene itself is changing to be this way everywhere.

I gotta stop freaking out about my own work. I keep looking at job ads and noticing how little there are there compared to this city. It's dumb to keep doing that. Ah... I just gotta be patient. Move back there, see how things go. Do my best. Trust that something is likely to come up.

But I fear I'm throwing away a sure thing for an uncertainty. Well, I am, in terms of work.

I've been thinking a bit of having a deadline, for finding work in that city before I look here again?

I know that I'm flourishing here - in all ways - more than I was there. Could be influenced by factors such as having an end date (so I'm appreciating my time here more), having a job, having a new lover who I'm heart-racingly into, the weather being warmer... But I reckon it's the place and the people and how I'm me in it. Quite simply: I've taken to it.

What's difficult is being long-distance from people. I can't be there for them in the same way.

And... I guess they can't be there for me in the same way? I mean, I miss them. I really do.

I'm still so conflicted. I feel by going back I am choosing interdependence over independence. I don't think either is necessarily better, but right now I have to pick one. My past life choices possibly leave me little room but to choose "interdependence". Well. I am still the person that wants that. It's a great ideal to me. But, fuck it, I want both. And obviously, I can have both! It's just a matter of adjusting the apertures...

Moving places for other people is tricky. I can understand why this was a rule for me in the past (not to do this) and now that I've broken the rule, I kinda want it back. Though I don't think I'm making mistakes as such, I feel I'm possibly just learning, growing, admitting? Hmm.
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Old 08-29-2013, 07:11 PM
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Okay, I'm a little mixed up right now about who it would be (Ocean or Grotto), but can't he move to where you are and live with you there? If the place you're in has such better opportunities for you, maybe it has better opportunities for your partners as well. Maybe you addressed this earlier in the blog, but I'm just not keeping it straight right now who is who.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Old 08-30-2013, 04:15 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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nycindie - yeah, sorry, gets confusing.

Both Ocean and Grotto have work in the other city at the moment. Ocean especially finds it hard to get work in his field (he's an academic in a fairly niche field) and it's best if he stays where he is for now. Also, Grotto just moved and needs to be there for his career. So, makes more sense for me to move back and try to find work, if I don't want to be long-distance.

It's funny, though. While theoretically it would "fix" things, if people moved here so I could stay in this city, the thought of it doesn't feel like a Great Solution to me. I think I'm enjoying my life in this city right now. People moving here would mean I that I could stay here, but it would also then be another kind of life.

You know, apart from happily having a job here, what I like about where I am right now is probably more about my way of being rather than the place itself. I'm feeling more fluid, with more room to explore. I go where I want when I want, follow the wind. More often than not, no one knows exactly where I am. Unbeholden.

And yet, I still want to build family, and make house. Desires are such wondrous contradictions at times.
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Old 09-03-2013, 01:14 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Sex is such a drug, eh. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I do need to be aware of this. Good sex is addictive! I'm really enjoying how Lobe and I fuck. It's fairly uncomplicated... giving and receiving pleasure. I feel very embodied. We're both quite cerebral people, and sex is a sweet release, brain incense <3

I admit, I have mostly surrendered to the love chemicals taking their course. I've been letting a few things slide... A bit more chilled about work, less of a cheapskate etc. For e.g. yesterday I got a return train ticket to the city, but ended up deciding to stay at Lobe's instead of use the return portion to go back to my place. Meant I had to go home today (this morning) before work, which could have worked out a bit more expensive (but incidentally didn't - haha - because we slept in a wee bit longer than intended, and I missed peak hour prices! Ah. Mischief sometimes pays off.) Anyway, it would've only been a few dollars, but I am really conscious of those kinds of things, and generally would not waste a ticket. I can take cost saving to the extreme so it's good to be coaxed into reducing the insanity. Perhaps addiction is not so bad when it loosens you up. Having a taste for this liquor motivates me to sift the things that Really Need to get done from all the rest...

It's all about priorities

Must be cautious though. I don't want to fuck all day... or become a person who is satisfied by that!

Right. I'm not late for work because we mercifully have flexible working hours. But I don't want to be at work too late tonight. Got shit to do... Catch up from the weekend Had a lazy one in almost all respects. Was good for me.

Grotto's still up and down. It's a generalised malaise, but work is contributing for sure. He's visiting this weekend though! There's a film festival on this weekend and we're going to o/d on movies. Fuck. Yes.

Will also be the first time that Grotto, Lobe and I hang out together. Previously, I'd only met Lobe in groups, when I was there with Grotto. Mm... I'm not nervous about it, but very curious as to how it will turn out. Grotto teased me yesterday about me getting both nipples licked at once. He was joking but it actually freaked me out! I've found it hard to relax and be 'my normal self' (?) when I'm the 'hinge' in situations like this. At least initially. Takes adjusting to figure out what shape you are in a three-person dynamic when you've only had experience being dyadic with each person previously. But of course the only way to learn how to ride a tricycle is jump on it

A'ight. Work time.
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Old 09-03-2013, 02:38 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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As always I've enjoyed reading your saga but I (and the boys ) just had to chuckle at this line:

Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
Grotto teased me yesterday about me getting both nipples licked at once. He was joking but it actually freaked me out!
...'cuz this is an absolutely certain way to get me to giggle and squirm. Love that! (Totally understand if that is not your cup-'o-tea.)

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 09-06-2013, 11:48 PM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Haha JaneQ - that is my cup of tea too... well... something I enjoy the fantasy of. I'm just not sure whether that would be a realistic dynamic. I'd rather see how things pan out than dream about 'what if's. Although, I can't help the naughty thoughts I figure it's not so bad to fantasise as long as it doesn't translate into manipulative actions. That said, I'm deeply suspicious about my subconscious mind. I have no doubt that I tend to behave in ways that make me try to get the outcomes that I reach for in daydreamspace. And too much of that would treat people as objects, I think? And not be intuitive to what other people want. I want our travel path to be a shared journey; I don't want to guide things more heavy-handedly than anyone else.

Grotto snoozy beside me. He arrived yesterday. Took me awhile to get used to him... It's only been a fortnight since I last saw him but it feels much longer than that. He seemed unreal to me, a little disconnected from me physically.

I remember I would feel that with partners when I'd been away for awhile. There's a strangeness when you meet again, like there are layers of clingwrap you have to peel off first.

Grotto didn't feel this aspect (I asked) so it's possibly a refraction from things with Lobe? They've been kinda intense. We've lazed away a few days in the last fortnight talking and fucking and getting to know each other. I still haven't said "I love you"... well... once by accident very sleepily but I don't think he heard. I certainly feel it though, this wellspring of love, mm.

Lobe's wary of being hopeful. That's probably a smart stance.

We agree that whatever happens, we'll be good friends and things won't get ugly. A pretty decent worst-case scenario, really!
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Old 09-13-2013, 02:08 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Well, fuck I've certainly got myself into a predicament. Things with Lobe are very good. We're not popping the "I love you"s (just doesn't feel right) but we have talked about feelings. We lust after, like and feel love for each other... We're a bit obsessed... Okay, we've got it bad.

And I leave in just over three weeks.

What will this be like, with the complication of distance? Me being back with my two longer-term partners?

No idea, but I look forward to finding out! Will be some heartache, I'm guessing. I'm gonna miss him. He's gonna miss me. Ah. But worth it.

Grotto's visit was great. Pretty mellow, we didn't get too crazy. It was nice to spend time like we had time to burn. Not rushing trying to maximise the experience. He was here for three days. On the Monday we actually just worked side-by-side on our separate projects. It's this I miss the most, I think. Steady heart-rate, simply being in each other's presence. Oh, the frantic pulsations are great too But yeah... to Just Be is quite a bedrock for me.

One night he was here, Grotto and I met up with Lobe. A few drinks, some food. It was okay. Not bad. A bit awkward. Guess this takes some teething. Lobe was quite stand-off-ish but I understand. Grotto remembers being in Lobe's position, from way-back-when when Grotto, Ocean and I started meeting up the three of us. It's a weird thing, to be affectionate with someone in front of their other partner, if all this is new to you. You don't know what's appropriate, you don't know how you feel like expressing... it takes time to experience and process. Grotto was also less affectionate towards me, which made sense. I managed to hang back and not get impatient (omg can we just roll into bed already?!) The meeting was civilised, didn't end too late, Lobe went home to his place and Grotto came back to mine. (Maybe next time...?)

Ocean's back in our home country visiting his folks. Was Djuna's birthday yesterday, and he took her a small birthday parcel from me. She's visiting next month! We're going camping. I'm amped.

Plinth's birthday later this month, too. Wanna take him out on a date; just gotta figure out what and when. Grotto and I have been talking about taking him out sometime together, maybe foolin around again. The few threesomes we had were decadent. Guess all of this stuff has been on the back burner because of the long-distance aspect.

I was thinking the other day that the places in my life feature a lot in my story. I have several cubbyholes around the globe where I've left the various horcruxes of my heart.

My parents (and 99 year old grandma!) are in one country. My ethnic roots are there, and one city in particular is drawing me back there in the next few years, I feel.

My brothers are in another country.

Ocean, Grotto and I grew up in another. (Djuna lives there now, and Lobe's also from there. Ocean's parents and brother live there too.)

Ocean's cultural background is from another country again, and his elderly grandma and other extended family are there. We visit when we can.

At the moment, we're in yet another country, in two cities. Ocean & Grotto in one city (where Plinth lives), and me in another (where Lobe lives).

I wish this was all based in the European continent, where you can pretty much wander over to other places! But I'm talking mostly the Asia/Pacific region here, and it's long distance air travel between almost all these countries. Bugger.

On the topic of Europe, though, there are places I visited while travelling there that I'd love to go back to. I pretty much fell in love with Dresden, and cried to leave. Here's wishin'...

I also have unfinished bizniz in the States - partly because there's so much of it! But also I have this feeling that loitering in the TN or TX/NM region is something I should do for a few months, at some point. Just a hunch.

Seems my life is settling down though (?) Haha. I mean more, hmm, building lives together with other people rather than being so much of a footloose solo traveller.

If I manage to contain myself sufficiently, rather than spread myself thin, this is all going to work out. I feel like, no matter what happens, it's going to be good. Fuck yeah, life is for the embracing. Go well, my friends

Last edited by fuchka; 09-13-2013 at 02:11 AM.
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