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  #11  
Old 09-02-2013, 01:53 AM
gingersnap gingersnap is offline
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Originally Posted by rosephase View Post
Gingersnap, have you told her “I would like for you to be comfortable going to bed and husband and I stay up and chat.” Have you been doing the hard work of figuring out what you need and asking for it? If your worried that she will feel overshadowed by you bringing it up maybe write your partners so they have the time and space to think over what you are saying.
I have talked to her about it. Ive talked to both of them about it. We've had multiple check ins during the relationship so far. The first check in revolved around how she felt she was this grumpy country mouse and I was prettier than her to the outside public, people on the street. So to adjust to that her husband and I now point out every time someone might be checking her out, or when someone could be flirting with her so she notices that it isnt just me receiving "outside attention". The most recent one has been her feeling lonely if she feels like we arent actively incuding her. Ive suggested if she feels left out to touch one of us to get our attention, or to join the conversation as she doesnt need an invitation. I have noticed that I have now become actively paying more attention/affection to her than her husband, unless he and I are alone. But I dont feel like thats fair, even if hes just dealing with it to make her and I happy.

But thats why I posted here. I wanted advice on discussing how she is wanting a V relationship, where her husband and I focus on her, instead of a triad. I dont know how to bring it up without upsetting her more, or making her feel like Im blaming her.

I dont know how to tell her that she is needy and needs to be responsible for her wants/needs/feelings. If shes feeling lonely, join in. If she wants space, ask us/me/him to leave or go to a different room. If shes tired, go to sleep. I dont think its fair to be expected to babysit, or to be expected to give her my full attention all the time.

I get that its hard, and when I come over, the dynamic changes because I work and only get to see them a couple times a week, so its much more "YAY I get to see my couple, so excited lets do stuff lets snuggle lets watch a movie." Alittle more high excitement, more touching, more playtime because I dont get to see them very often. She and her her husband responds the same way, but she then becomes upset because she doesnt match us, or she feels like hes paying more attention to me (who hasnt been around) then to her, even though the three of us will all be playing or laying together. The attention isnt focused on her even though she gets his undivided attention when its just him, or when its just me, instead of all 3.

So would that be considered hard work?

Last edited by gingersnap; 09-02-2013 at 01:55 AM. Reason: missed quotation mark
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  #12  
Old 09-02-2013, 02:47 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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She is an adult... stop babying her. Firmly tell her what you think and feel.

She is being self centered and selfish.

If she is that emotionally broken you are going to have to decide if this dynamic of having to cater to her whims is something you are willing to deal with and bow to.
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  #13  
Old 09-02-2013, 08:32 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I wanted advice on discussing how she is wanting a V relationship, where her husband and I focus on her, instead of a triad. I dont know how to bring it up without upsetting her more, or making her feel like Im blaming her.
Could simply ask WITHOUT evaluations. Don't judge if it is fair or not fair or good or bad. Just... report the weather. Something like this perhaps:
"I have been wondering if you prefer this relationship to be more of a "V" shape with you as the only hinge rather than a triad shape where each one of us is a hinge to the other two people. Could you be willing to tell me what you prefer at this time?

What is your ideal open model relationship shape at this time?

How do you see this evolving over time -- just stick to that shape, or it could change into another shape with the passage of time?"
Quote:
I dont know how to tell her that she is needy and needs to be responsible for her wants/needs/feelings. If shes feeling lonely, join in. If she wants space, ask us/me/him to leave or go to a different room. If shes tired, go to sleep. I dont think its fair to be expected to babysit, or to be expected to give her my full attention all the time.
"We've been together a while. I'd like to be able to relax in our polyship and come to agreement on expectations of each other. I'd like you to speak up if something is bothering you. Or if you have needs and want to ask me if I'm willing to meet them at this time you just go ahead and tell me. I'm willing to listen and hear you.

Could you be willing to do that?
  • Agree to speak up and be assertive if something bothers you?
  • Agree to speak up and ask me if you want me to do things?
  • Agree we expect each other to know and state our wants/needs/limits to one another?
She is either willing or not willing. If willing -- then let her own it. She either speaks up... or not. On your end you could ask her once "Things going ok with you?" and if she doesn't take the opportunity to speak up at that time, let it go and let her own it til the next time you check in. You don't have to be checking in every minute. Just once in a while as normal partners do.

You could ask him both those things too.

And ask YOURSELF both those things.

See if you are mostly compatible and this polyship just needs more TLC and more time to adjust to the "new normal." See if any of the players to grow some intrapersonal or interpersonal skills to be able to play ball well... then support/encourage each other TO GROW THEM.

Or determine if this is just not a runner because you all are not compatible because you do not have the skills at this time and/or a shared vision for how you want to be together in polyship.

Could sort yourselves out.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-03-2013 at 02:58 AM.
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  #14  
Old 09-02-2013, 10:13 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by gingersnap View Post
Ok, so I would really love some advice on my current snag.
We've been dating for 7 months, and had multiple check-ins during that time. We are usually pretty happy together, except for my girlfriend. She is having issues with "sharing" the attention (not really the sexual attention. That is an additional matter). But not between her and I or her and her husband, but when her husband and I give each other attention even with her there.

Her example: when we all hang out (on the bed, in the living room etc.) and she "space outs" but when she comes out of it, myself and her husband are talking about other things/playing/wrestling, and she then feels left out. Or she feels left out if she wants to go to bed, and the rest of us dont. So she wont go to bed. She'll stay awake and repeat that she is tired until we go to sleep. So she wants us to constantly check in on her. Or involve her without her just involving herself.
Its her job to ensure her needs are known. Also, my wife used to suffer from this. Its very childish behaviour. She always worried she would miss out on something. She eventually learned that we all had different interactions at different times, like any normal set of relationships. She had to adjust how she viewed it.

Besides missing sleep was a sure fire way to end up grumpy/crazy etc. Sleep is more important than feeling like they missed out.


Quote:
I mean I get it, she grew up as an only child.
*rolls eyes* as an only child, I don't have this problem at all. In fact, I love my time to myself.

This type of behaviour can be tied to other problems, OCD, ADHD etc. But being an only child wouldn't do this, unless of course.. she was a wee bit spoiled as an only child.

Quote:
She tells me how her parents drop everything for her, and when she would go home and visit they would go out of their way to accommodate her, or cancel their own plans (she's now dealing with her parents not dropping their plans for her on her upcoming trip and shes confused by it). And her husband is extremely kind and giving, and hates to see her cry (which is in any situation regarding emotion). He considers himself lucky to have a wife (and now girlfriend) and would rather just change things for her then argue or cause problems or have his own opinions. Its just easier for him to change and go with whatever she decides. So shes always been the center of attention.
Sounds kinda co dependent. They shoudl get that looked at.

Quote:
I dont understand it because I give her the same attention I give her husband, and he gives her much more attention then he gives me (which I dont have a problem with). But I feel like she is expecting this relationship to be more of a V (with her at the bottom) instead of the triangle it was ment to be. And I dont know how to talk to her about this.
Well considering nothing is equal in poly.. I do think that you may simply be butting heads with her expectations. She may well want a V with a dotted line to you. Or simply expect more care and consideration from her husband. And.. in all honestly this can happen and can succeed. Nothing every relationship is equal and triangles can end up looking pretty skewed. ..

I assume they have been together longer as well. So, with that may come some long term adjustment. The emotional connection you give her may grow into more of what she needs, but she is stil familiar and expecting that of her husband.

Also, she may well be codependant on her husband, so of course anything you try to give to her, and it sounds like a possible healthy does of reality, she may not be looking for.

Quote:
I dont want to cater to her, because Im not responsible for her insecurities, and I dont think that its fair. Its also confusing to me because I want to also receive attention from him, but he then has to overcompensate to her (especially if he and I have sex. He has to then make sure she feels like she received the same amount I got...even though they live together and have sex together all the time without me.) But if I dont cater to her and be more comfortable and myself, then she feels left out or overshadowed by me. This isnt going to work if I have to constantly be catering or tiptoeing around my girlfriend.

Any advice is appreciated!
Good for you.

All you can do is be honest, don't bottle it up but approach your concerns clearly. Also the poly trap to avoid is trying to talk through hubby (I am not seeing this in your post, just spewing thoughts as they come in).. if you feel like you are tippy toeing then you could build up resentment. You need to feel safe to table your concerns.

Of course this is without hearing the other side.. but those are my immediate thoughts.
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  #15  
Old 09-03-2013, 12:32 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gingersnap View Post
I wanted advice on discussing how she is wanting a V relationship, where her husband and I focus on her, instead of a triad. I dont know how to bring it up without upsetting her more, or making her feel like Im blaming her.
Well, if she wants to be in a vee, it's pushy and insensitive to force her into a triad. It sounds like you're disappointed that the ideal configuration you had in mind is not what she had in mind. But so what?

However, the way you describe it, "where her husband and I focus on her" is not what I would call a vee. That just sounds self-centered and like she's not really ready for any kind of polyamory. A vee would mean simply that all three of you are not involved with the other. Why not just keep your relationships separate and stop trying to fit into some pre-conceived ideal?
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #16  
Old 09-03-2013, 02:12 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I would point out to her ONCE what you are noticing-i would likely copy/paste what you wrote here for examples. Then end with something to the effect of

As adults I expect to be responsible for telling others openly, honestly and in an upfront manner when I have a need. i also expect that others will do the same. It seems reasonable that before another person would know this is my expectation, I need to let them know. So I am letting you know, I am not going to try to drag it out of you if I *think* you are uPset or uncomfortable. I expect you to manage your emotions and let me know in a clear and concise way if that is the case.

Somewhere in the middle explain what activities you enjoy and which you don't.
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  #17  
Old 09-03-2013, 02:49 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by gingersnap View Post
she then becomes upset because she doesnt match us, or she feels like hes paying more attention to me (who hasnt been around) then to her, even though the three of us will all be playing or laying together. The attention isnt focused on her even though she gets his undivided attention when its just him, or when its just me, instead of all 3.
lol, that is a seriously self-absorbed human. This girl is going to have a very hard time relating to anyone who is not *aching* to chase her around and make sure she is super-duper happy. I'm sure there are lots of excuses for turning out this way (only child, pampered brat, chemical imbalance, etc) but in the end it doesn't matter.

You can either go through the arduous life long journey of teaching this girl how to be a fully self-sufficient adult (which I am not trained to instruct you on) or you can move along and consider the lessons you learned from this team dating exercise.
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  #18  
Old 09-04-2013, 06:15 PM
gingersnap gingersnap is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Well, if she wants to be in a vee, it's pushy and insensitive to force her into a triad. It sounds like you're disappointed that the ideal configuration you had in mind is not what she had in mind. But so what?

However, the way you describe it, "where her husband and I focus on her" is not what I would call a vee. That just sounds self-centered and like she's not really ready for any kind of polyamory. A vee would mean simply that all three of you are not involved with the other. Why not just keep your relationships separate and stop trying to fit into some pre-conceived ideal?
But she says she doesnt want a "v," she says she wants everyone together with everyone. More triangular. Where she and I can be alone, or all three of us together, or the husband and I can be alone.

We discussed this in the very beginning. I did my research, I asked the questions. "What are you comfortable with, who sleeps with who, are there any boundaries I need to know, how do we handle disagreements, etc etc. " I dont jump into something that I know is going to be different without researching it.

But the problems arise when all three of us are together when she feels she isnt included all the time. Or if we are focused on something else or not checking in with her, or going and doing what she wants, (the going to bed example.)
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  #19  
Old 09-04-2013, 06:20 PM
gingersnap gingersnap is offline
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Thank you for the responses. These really help me organize my thoughts.

I like the idea of writing things down so I can stay on track, and I like whats been said here.

I also agree with those that are saying I need to decide if I wanna stick it through for the long run, or if I dont think things will change, maybe move on or back up.

And the links posted have been great. I may just need to sit down with these and re establish boundaries so I know what Im looking at.

Any more tips or thoughts are so welcome! Thanks you guys!
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  #20  
Old 09-04-2013, 07:32 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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she says she wants everyone together with everyone. More triangular. Where she and I can be alone, or all three of us together, or the husband and I can be alone.
So she is WILLING.
Quote:

But the problems arise when all three of us are together when she feels she isnt included all the time. Or if we are focused on something else or not checking in with her, or going and doing what she wants, (the going to bed example.)
So in the (you + her + him) layer, she is not yet ABLE at this time.

Is she willing to do the work to BECOME able? Could you ask her "How do you see yourself getting through this?"

Is it her own thinking behavior causing the yucky feelings? Then she could work in intrapersonal skills. Or is it her interpersonal skills? Or both?

What kind of support /feedback does she need from him, you, him + you to BECOME more able to handle it? What stops her/blocks her from being able to handle it? Have these things been indentified?

Does she need her awareness lifted up? "Hey, you seem like you are getting weird again... are you aware of that?"

Does she need her behavior mirrored back to her? "When you do this ____ it comes across as this ______. Do this instead _____. "

Does she need encouragement along the way? "I really appreciated that you did _____. That was great."

Something else?

You pretty much have to decide your OWN "willing/able" first though after assessing how long you think this might take based on her self assessment and effort on a "trial run" I suppose.

If a trial run looks like progressing ok... but it seems to need like a month to complete? Are you willing to work through this patch and hope for improved skills within her? Are you able to do what is needed, help make a plan, and help hold her accountable to the plan?

If it seems like a year? Does that change it? Where is YOUR limit of tolerance?

Maybe you want to look at conflict resolution styles? Maybe that could help?

Hang in there -- whatever you decide in your negotiations. No relationship is conflict free. But to me it is pretty much one of the compatablitiy litmus tests to see HOW people handle conflict resolution within a relationship. I don't want to be in one where it's drama wackies over every little thing. That grows tiresome.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-04-2013 at 07:38 PM.
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