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  #11  
Old 02-20-2010, 02:52 AM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
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Ok, we are peeling off layers of the onion here.

She appears to be really captivated by him, and almost even giddy when they come in from a date, and are on their way to his bedroom. They look to be in early stage foreplay, and as if they are communicating silently while he or she talks to me, or to other roommates that are still awake.

I don't feel like I connect with her to that same extent. I suspect that hsi ability to engage her in conversation is a major explanation.

That's the trigger that causes me to identify the areas that I fall short in, such as being less educated, less articulate, and having less of a sense of humor. Then it seems to me that she wooed by all the ways in which he exceeds me. It just so happens that they are areas that bothered me before I entered into this relationship.

He's watching television right now. I had an exercise session scheduled for tonight. This thread just reminded me. I think that I'll get up and exercise right now.

Last edited by Vexxed; 02-20-2010 at 02:55 AM.
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  #12  
Old 02-20-2010, 03:07 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Vexxed, please remember this. She had her husband before you, she had her other boyfriend before you, AND she still opened up to include you
She sees something in you that is adding to her life. Try to stop worrying about her needs being met with you....I would say it is pretty obvious they are my friend. Unless you feel like she was merely "trying you on" so to speak, and that you are now being ignored, focus on what you feel she is bringing to your life and stop worrying about what you think you are not bringing to hers.
Are your needs/wants being met? Are you happy in your love and affection towards her? Are you possibly projecting your own lack of fulfillment?

If you are happy in what she is adding to your life then please try to relax and trust that you were added for a reason....because you are unique and valued for who you are in her life

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  #13  
Old 02-20-2010, 03:07 AM
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DrunkenPorcupine DrunkenPorcupine is offline
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I would just like to say this because I haven't seen it yet. It seems obvious, so maybe that's why it hasn't been said.

To me, it doesn't seem like the traits of her other boyfriends are the problem. It seems to me that your opinion of yourself is.

First of all, do your girlfriend a favor and stop meshing her in with the collective "female population". She has tastes that are unique and individual and I'm willing to bet that she has things that would wildly defy the image that the media tells you "is attractive".

Secondly, if you can come to terms with that, talk to her about what she appreciates in you. Take the opportunity to share with her what you like about her. Hearing the other person say what it is they like can be revealing sometimes (I never would have thought I have a nice ass!) and soothing to the little voices in your head that are comparing you to some ideal.

Last edited by DrunkenPorcupine; 02-20-2010 at 03:08 AM. Reason: Mono, You Cross-Poster You!
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  #14  
Old 02-20-2010, 03:56 AM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
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MonoV, she is meeting all of my needs. I would like for all us to talk more freely about our experiences with each other, but her and BF #2 don't talk very much about their time together. Being more open about things would be satisfying to me.

She was attracted to my level of fitness, and to my accent. Also, I had "pre selection" working in my favor at the first three poly functions that she saw me at. I always had one or two women accompanying me to the functions, and they were usually the prettiest women there. I appeared to have a high value on the dating market at that time, especially within the poly group.

I think that she is with me because I'm younger, fit, like to read, rarely watch TV, and I go to poly functions. Also, we have two common interests.

Sure, I realize that I provide a couple of things that her other partners do not. Nonetheless, I don't feel like I captivate her, or make her feel giddy.
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  #15  
Old 02-20-2010, 04:13 AM
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As far as people are concerned, one's whole is always greater than the some of one's parts, especially in matters of love.

A list of qualities does not a person make. And it certainly isn't what brings love to a person.
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  #16  
Old 02-20-2010, 05:05 AM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
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What a "whole" person consists of is the sum of their qualities. All the qualities are added up, even if not conciously.

I think that in reality some people's total sum as a whole person ads up to more than other people's total sum. Authors of various books would agree with me. We all have a value on the dating market.

Even if her and I were mono, I feel like I have a lower value than her, and therefore she is dating down, due to me having less of an education, and my humble career. The only thing that I can see that spans that gap is that I'm a bit younger, etc... This is probably at the root of me feeling inferior. The fact that boyfriend #2 exceeds me in many areas just adds to how I already feel.

Last edited by Vexxed; 02-20-2010 at 05:09 AM.
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  #17  
Old 02-20-2010, 05:27 AM
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oh man could you over think this more.... I'm sorry, but I'm sure she thinks none of these things when she is out enjoying you company... I have several loves and people involved in my life... I don't think about a list of things I like about them... maybe that is just me?

In my opinion, and respecting your process, perhaps you need to think about what you love about yourself and put the best forward to everyone about who you are. Obviously she sees good things in you, regardless of education and your body. I don't walk around lamenting the fact that I have a masters and my two men barely have highschool... one of the men I spend time with has a masters also... it doesn't make him better! Mono is very built and works out regularly, my husband doesn't... it's not something that I have a need to dwell on or even consider when I think of my love for them.

Ya, some work on your self worth might be a good idea. Not for your girlfriend. FOR YOU! you should be coming first here... not her and what she thinks... I would like to hear about what YOU love about you.
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  #18  
Old 02-20-2010, 05:40 AM
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I never once suggested that I want to work on her. I don't want to change anything about her.

I know that I need help. There are things wrong with me.
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  #19  
Old 02-20-2010, 05:59 AM
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sorry, if you are talking to me... I don't think you need to work on her, I think you need to work on you!

No I don't think these things are wrong... just an indication that perhaps you need to look inward to love yourself first and see your own worth...

I think any good relationship is built on more than what one accomplishes and what they look like. Good relationships, in my experience are built on being oneself, loving oneself and a good personal outlook that is special and unique to you...
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  #20  
Old 02-20-2010, 06:17 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I really have to agree with the previous comment that this all seems to have more to do with your own self-esteem than it does the other two guys. They're just giving you something specific to fixate on, externalizing your feelings about yourself.

My husband also has moments of low self-esteem, where he wonders what a beautiful, educated woman like myself is doing with a goofy looking high school drop-out railroader like him. Sure he's funny, kind, considerate, generous... but none of those are why I love him. I love him because of who he just is. I would love him if he were paralyzed or in a coma and unable to do any of the things we love doing together. When I tell him that, he almost gets upset, telling me that he wouldn't want me to waste myself on being with someone in that state. And nothing he says ever gets me more angry than that.

I've never found lists of positive attributes to be any good for finding people to love. Never mind "people are more than the sum of their parts"... I think people, who they truly are themselves as individuals, are even completely separate from their parts. You can change all the parts of yourself: become educated, get in shape, practice conversation, learn to be funny... those are all just skills that you can learn. But none of them change who you are. I go to school with people whom I find handsome, intelligent, funny... all the things that are great in a partner. And you know what? I have no romantic feelings for them whatsoever.

Take the positive aspects you see in her husband and boyfriend, things you envy, and learn how you might incorporate them into yourself. But do it for yourself, not because you want to be more like them. Want to be better educated? Take a course at the local college. Want to be more articulate? Practice conversations with women at coffee shops.

He's tall, you're short. I prefer shorter guys, so I don't have to stretch to kiss them. Maybe she gets tired of him always talking her ear off, and really loves the way she can actually get a word in edgewise with you. And I think office guys are totally boring, whereas I love the natural muscles that labourers get just working, and greasy sweaty stinky guys working hard are SO hot! Don't assume that your differences from him are negatives!
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