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Old 08-31-2013, 03:15 PM
ALpolyman ALpolyman is offline
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Default Decided to Wait on Poly but...

As my name suggests (ALpolyman) that at least I, or my wife and I, are poly. Well, I guess that's a bit of a misnomer now. Let me explain. We determined a long time ago that we both desired to have a woman to love (more than just sex) in a triad fashion. In trying to make a triad happen, we quickly figured out that we would need to open ourselves up to the other facets of poly...that is us dating other people without the involvement of the spouse. We talked about this over the past few months and I thought we were on the right track to begin this endeavor. We were going to create OKC profiles and begin a search and take things slow. But, I kept noticing some hesitancy in my wife and I never could get her to explain what it was. As I mentioned in a previous post, she's a "type A", impatient, and sometimes difficult to get her to spill the beans on how she feels. Deeply involved conversations usually take several "sessions" because she's always ready to move on in some fashion. But, very recently, our conversation went something like this: My wife is focusing on starting her business, getting stuff ready for Halloween (her favorite holiday), etc, etc. She feels as though we really don't have the time. But, beyond that, she feels that her jealousy and mine, is something so difficult to overcome that it may be to the detriment of our marriage. Furthermore, even though she wants to have the full-on woman-on-woman experience with or without me, she doesn't want it nearly as bad as I want to be with another woman. So, we decided to table the idea and talk about it in a few more months.

Here's my take on this: I'm in agreement with what she said. I feel the same way and I empathize and sympathize with how she feels. Even if I had sex with another woman and she said “yeah, go for it” and meant it, I would probably be sick to my stomach afterward and would probably be an emotional wreck for a little while. I guess it’s because I have so much self-integrity and a moral compass that breaking “my own rules” or “breaking society’s rules” will make me crazy. Still, I have this underlying desire to experience being with another woman, preferably in a threesome scenario but I suspect that’s highly unlikely at first. I can’t really explain why and I don’t know what to do about it. No, I won’t ever cheat on her…my heart absolutely wouldn’t let me and even if I did, I couldn’t live with that decision. I’m very loyal. Now, I still have the freedom to flirt as I please but anything beyond obviously requires a conversation. I guess the bottom line here is that I’m fine waiting for a while and revisiting. But, I know the jealousy thing will still be there no matter how long we decided to wait. I truly believe that we would have to just take it slow if we decided to open ourselves up to dating and talk about it and see how we feel. I won’t force anything on her either. So, what’s a man to do? I’ve already peeked inside the Christmas gift enough to see what’s inside that I’m ready to tear the wrapping off but it’s not time yet. Thoughts?
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Old 09-01-2013, 04:50 AM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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If you mutually decided to table it for a few months, do that. No harm in it. It's not like the moment you start broadcasting on a dating site that you'll be flooded with women dying to meet you both. She might be, but more doubtful for you. Law of supply and demand.

Anyway, taking it at her pace will be beneficial for both of you. In doing that, you likely won't be posting drama-filled entries in the future - like so many other people on this site seem compelled to do. Patience is awesome.

And why do you want another woman? Evolution, buddy. You aren't genetically engineered to desire only one person. Most of us aren't (monogamous or poly).
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Old 09-01-2013, 10:11 AM
london london is offline
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Hire a sex worker for a threesome
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Old 09-01-2013, 03:15 PM
ALpolyman ALpolyman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by monkeystyle View Post
And why do you want another woman? Evolution, buddy. You aren't genetically engineered to desire only one person. Most of us aren't (monogamous or poly).
Can the same be said for women wanting another mate (woman or man) other than the one she has?
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Old 09-01-2013, 04:01 PM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Thanks for sharing. I understand how frustrating it can be!

I am hearing two things in your post.

1- you do not believe in your own (and your wifes) ability to evolve mentally and emotionally.

2- your views of integrity and loyalty seem to be limiting you in your own mental and emotional evolution. And you are also using your ideas of morals etc. to justify your position of being stuck.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ALpolyman View Post
she feels that her jealousy and mine, is something so difficult to overcome that it may be to the detriment of......
As long as you believe that you have a limitation- you are strengthening that limitation. We become what we focus on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ALpolyman View Post
I feel the same way and I empathize and sympathize with how she feels. Even if I had sex with another woman and she said “yeah, go for it” and meant it, I would probably be sick to my stomach afterward and would probably be an emotional wreck for a little while.
Again- you are visualizing and projecting negative results rather than allowing yourself to evolve and visualize and project positive results.

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Originally Posted by ALpolyman View Post
I guess it’s because I have so much self-integrity and a moral compass that breaking “my own rules” or “breaking society’s rules” will make me crazy.i
Not only are you expecting a negative reaction, but you are justifying it by putting yourself on a pedestal and claiming super human qualities of integrity and morals.

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Originally Posted by ALpolyman View Post
Still, I have this underlying desire to experience being with another woman, preferably in a threesome scenario but I suspect that’s highly unlikely at first.
Another negative expectation.....it is based on reality- however the best way to overcome realistic challenges is to approach them with a positive outlook and determination.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ALpolyman View Post
I can’t really explain why and I don’t know what to do about it. No, I won’t ever cheat on her…my heart absolutely wouldn’t let me and even if I did, I couldn’t live with that decision.
More negative projections.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ALpolyman View Post
I’m very loyal.
More being on a pedestal.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ALpolyman View Post
But, I know the jealousy thing will still be there no matter how long we decided to wait.
I don't see you being able to work with this lifestyle. I am hearing way too many negative and limiting beliefs.

Whether you realize it or not- People can evolve mentally and emotionally and they do that all the time.

It's just a matter of believing that it is possible, believing that it is possible for YOU and wanting it. These are the things that need to be worked on first.

All the best for you and your wife!
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Old 09-01-2013, 07:06 PM
ALpolyman ALpolyman is offline
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idealist,

Great response and you definitely put a different perspective on it. One thing I have to overcome is my wife's negativity. That's not a slam at all. She is her own worst enemy sometimes and I'm usually the chearleader saying "yeah, you can do it". I've had to learn to become a more positive person but as you can tell, I'm wrapped in my own negativity. Still, she believes that pursuing this will possibly compromise this marriage. I don't know how to get her to open up a little more and take the baby steps necessary to grow.

Regarding my own pedestal...well, I am a proud individual in that I won't do things to upset my wife. The short story is she can be a high stress individual and so I make it a point to realize when I push her over the stressful edge. I know that her stress is her problem and I've encouraged her to seek counseling but money gets tight so she chooses not to go. I just have to be choosy when to talk about certain topics.

So back to the negativity and limiting beliefs, what would you suggest as to how to proceed? I truly believe that baby steps with small successes is our best recipe here.
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Old 09-01-2013, 07:11 PM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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Idealist, cut him some slack. Nobody ever ends where they start, beliefs and understanding evolve as realities change. Sure, there's some maturity needed, but find one person out there who has the 'right' outlook immediately.

He's hesitant, and he has some ideas that are going to change. But is he really putting himself on a pedestal?
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Old 09-01-2013, 07:18 PM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ALpolyman View Post
So back to the negativity and limiting beliefs, what would you suggest as to how to proceed? I truly believe that baby steps with small successes is our best recipe here.
You're not negative, you're apprehensive due to lack of context. Have some safe experiences when you're both ready and learn from them.

Up front, it sounds like you're looking for a possible FWB or perhaps swinging experience with no strings attached, rather than a 'relationship' with other people. Is that about right?
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Old 09-01-2013, 08:13 PM
ALpolyman ALpolyman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by monkeystyle View Post
Up front, it sounds like you're looking for a possible FWB or perhaps swinging experience with no strings attached, rather than a 'relationship' with other people. Is that about right?
Actually our preference would be someone we could, at a minimum, call a friend...I suppose FWB. But, the experience really needs to be a mind, body, soul connection. The physical, without the rest, somehow seems empty (maybe because I've never done that before). We also look to have a "repeat customer" if you will. Building a trusting relationship, learning about each other, doing things together, etc, is what would be the apex of what we seek. I still believe that the easiest way to obtain the triad thing is to date separately. We just have to convince ourselves that nothing bad can result from it. I mean, my vision on how that could work would be to find someone to date (with boundaries/limitations) and see how the spouse feels. If all is well, then maybe add a little bit more to the equation...wash, rinse, repeat. Again, we have to get to a place where we're both comfortable with the idea.
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Old 09-01-2013, 09:07 PM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ALpolyman View Post
idealist.......back to the negativity and limiting beliefs, what would you suggest as to how to proceed? I truly believe that baby steps with small successes is our best recipe here.
I would suggest that the two of you continue to visualize what it is that you do want......spend more time focusing on that rather that the negative things that you are anticipating to happen. When my partner and I entered the lifestyle, we spent time visualizing how positive it would be and we also imagined what it would be like and how we might react. At the same time, we were open and willing to move forward with positive intentions for ourselves and the people we encountered.

When one of us has a negative or difficult experience, we use it as a chance to learn and move forward.

When we encounter a person or people who don't share our values or our ethics, we move away from them.

Bottom line is that we believe we are free to create a positive life for ourselves without having to sacrifice our personal morals, ethics, values and intentions.

If you want to send me a personal message, I can send you some worksheets that we use which helps identify values, feelings and intentions. These things can be worked on together.

I also agree with others that have said slower is better in your case and it probably would be great if she could get some therapy.
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