Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 02-19-2010, 03:42 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
The situation I described involved an openly long-time poly guy who's partner was also poly. I'm certainly all for variety. Different people appeal to different parts of me. And I think you're entirely right about getting certain things from some partners that you don't get from others. I don't quite see that as a *lack* really. But I have noticed that people that even some poly people seek out relationships because of a *lack* in their current relationships. That can be a bit of a red flag for me. If I have a partner, it's because I *want* to be with them and I would want partners who *want* to be with me, not settle for me because they can get the bits they're missing elsewhere.

That's not quite the same as only dating people who are "perfect" for me.

(but now we're a bit off topic from the thread )
Hey Ceoli,

I only want to comment on this because I fear (the way you worded it) creates a circular reference that has a potential to confuse and befuddle some people.
I understand TOTALLY exactly what you are saying And I think it's nice that you are trying to semantically put a positive spin on what might otherwise be a potential negative.

But when you make a statement (in a negative intonation) that some poly people look for something 'in addition' and call it a lack - well - when it comes down to it - it IS a lack. And I think it's unfair to portray that/they as a negative.
But that's ok ! I think tippy-toeing around reality and playing semantic games is risky sometimes, leads to misunderstandings, and just complicates what should be simple.

By way of analogy................

If for example, I had a partner who had no interest in Tantra, but that was something which was very important to me, then my searching out this 'addition' would absolutely be in response to their 'lack' of interest.
It's ok ! Really - it is.
I 'lack' interest or ability in some things. It's ok. If that's important to someone I'm in relationship with then they need to seek that elsewhere. That's ok too. You could play semantic games to try to protect my fragile ego and say you were going seeking an 'addition'. But you ain't fooling me. I lack the interest. Oh well

GS
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 02-19-2010, 04:00 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default

GS, It becomes negative when the "lack" is such that it makes the relationship unhealthy. For this guy, that was the case. He spoke of his girlfriend not being able to "satisfy" him. Despite the issue I had that he views relationship partners as "sources of satisfaction", I have no desire to get into a relationship with someone who chooses to take on other relationships as a band-aid for what is broken in another relationship. That's a huge red flag for me and something I do indeed view in a negative light.

As I said earlier, if a person chooses to tolerate being with someone who is missing things they want *because* they think they can find those qualities elsewhere, I have huge questions in that. If a person *wants* to be with someone who may not appeal to all aspects of them and is perfectly happy if someone else doesn't come along, but is also happy if someone else who offers some different qualities does come along, that's an entirely other matter.

In other words, my poly relationships are complete whole entities in and of themselves. I don't treat my poly relationships like a jigsaw puzzle where I put each one together to give me everything on my list of what I would love in a relationship.

Last edited by Ceoli; 02-19-2010 at 04:05 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 02-19-2010, 04:37 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
In other words, my poly relationships are complete whole entities in and of themselves. I don't treat my poly relationships like a jigsaw puzzle where I put each one together to give me everything on my list of what I would love in a relationship.
Yeppers, (notice my bolding)

I understand this perfectly.
This is YOUR unique & individual truth.
Which is likely rooted it your own personal views & desires. Anyone has the ability to 'choose' to be happy. We all have the ability to reduce our needs & wants to a level that is easy to satisfy. These to me are admirable traits.

But that is NOT the reality/view of many others. And they also deserve support in finding their own path.
Not condemnation.
You understand this - I know.

But any 'lack' CAN make relationships unhealthy. Especially if it goes unheeded and unaddressed. It festers. And sometimes those 'lacks' can be easily filled !
Other times they can't - and maybe shouldn't. Each situation has to be addressed individually.

GS
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 02-19-2010, 04:39 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
But that is NOT the reality/view of many others. And they also deserve support in finding their own path.
At what point was I saying otherwise?
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 02-19-2010, 04:46 PM
Ravenesque's Avatar
Ravenesque Ravenesque is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 297
Default

The red flag for me would be the potential partner's perception.

There is

"I am looking for a relationship with these qualities because it is something I need and want to include in my life where it doesn't exist currently."

and there is

"I am looking for relationship with these qualities because my current partner/s are not giving it to me."

I don't care whether the term lack/ing is used. It could be used in any of the above cases. The red flag is the difference between a person recognizing their needs and actively seeking them, from a person who is placing the blame/responsibility of those needs being un/fulfilled solely on another person. That focuses the 'lack' on a particular relationship as opposed to a personal 'lack' where someone is seeking to expand themselves.

I believe the first instance would be indicative of a band-aid for the current relationship as Ceoli states while the other is indicative of a desire for personal growth and fulfillment.

I'd stay away from the first person and gladly be with the second.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Yeppers, (notice my bolding)
But that is NOT the reality/view of many others. And they also deserve support in finding their own path.
Not condemnation.
You understand this - I know.
I did not understand anything that Ceoli said to be condemnation of others for having differing views or realities. She stated her view and reality obviously. Do you have a point here?

~Raven~
__________________
Are you a polyamorist or non-monogamous individual between the ages 18-35? Are you located in New York State or the Northeast?
Join us at The Network, a social and socially aware network which connects young polys and progressive polys of all ages.



~Open up your mind and let me step inside.
Rest your weary head and let your heart decide. It's so easy.
When you know the rules.
It's so easy. All you have to do is fall in love.
Play the game.
Everybody play the game of love. Yeah...~

Last edited by Ravenesque; 02-19-2010 at 06:08 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 02-19-2010, 07:24 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

I would feel very threatened and unappreciated if I thought my loves were looking for others because I am not filling a need they have in them. I want to be a whole package, I want them to be for me also. Any addition I make to my love life would be because I feel someone is worth it. Not because I have a need that isn't met.

If I have a need that is unfulfiled then I would take it up with who is in my life and ask for support and someone to walk hand in hand with me on it. I don't see my partners as outside of me in this way. We walk together, that is why I chose them. I simply wouldn't pick someone to fill a need and I wouldn't want to be chosen for that.

I see people and hear of people who gather lovers as if they are a commodit sometimes. I wonder if they feel lonely and need many people around them to ease that feeling. I wonder also if each lover fills a need... Or is it a matter of a certain level of comfort in the depth they have with each one that makes it work. Its not my reality so this is why I ponder these things in an attempt to understand.

I like the idea of saying and believing that a new partner is an addition to the amount of love rather than to fill a need. I think it keeps things positive and comes from a better place somehow. I understand that people are different than me that way, and that's okay, but if I was approached by someone who isn't getting there needs met and wants to see if I can fill them, then it would be a red flag for me too. I think it would make me feel that there is an agenda and that I am simply no use to them accept to fill that need. Also, what if I don't satisfy? Would I be cast aside? That certainly would be damaging. What about my needs anyway? Where would they come into play for the person? It all seems rather selfish somehow.

I have been considering this in inviting new love into my life lately. Its important for me not to have an agenda. I took on a female lover last year (and I say "took on," because I feel I was being selfish in my desiring to fill a need) and ended up ditching her because I realized she was filling a need and that I didn't love her. I felt guilt in that and that I was responsible for not letting her know I had in her in my life for certain reasons. She has become a good friend because I understood for myself that I was responsible for the relationship I had set up. I felt responsible for my selfishness in only having sex with her to fulfil a need in me. I don't any more, due to the fact that I chose to see her as a whole, worthy of being loved as a whole. Our lovely friendship that is far more deep because of me understanding now and all without my needs attached at all.

Now I am very careful of my motives and consider many details before taking on new love. I have decided that no relationship of mine, friend or otherwise, should be rushed into to fill a need I have. It makes me far to invested in them and I have expectations that are unrealistic for them. I set people up essentially and then get really hurt when they aren't who I thought they were and don't fill a need for me. Selfish I know, but I am learning.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 02-19-2010, 07:35 PM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
At what point was I saying otherwise?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
I see what you mean here. However I definitely believe that sustaining multiple relationships works best when all relationships involved are healthy and whole.
Actually, as someone new around here who doesn't know your histories or tendencies, I'm glad that GS cleared that up. I was interpreting Ceoli's comment as a form of "works best for everyone" and not "works best for me."

I guess it depends what you meant by relationships being "whole." I interpret that as "meeting all my needs" and like GS said, you can have a really awesome, functional, healthy relationship without it meeting all your needs. I'm bisexual and I really enjoy the love and sexuality of men and women. There's obviously no single person that could meet both those needs, unless they were one of those frogs that can change their gender. But I'm not sexually attracted to frogs, so that leaves me looking for a woman to add to my life and love.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 02-19-2010, 10:37 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I would feel very threatened and unappreciated if I thought my loves were looking for others because I am not filling a need they have in them. I want to be a whole package, I want them to be for me also.
Hey RP,

Would you - really ?
I don't think you should. It think that's unfair to yourself & unrealistic.
Now don't read me here saying we wouldn't want everything to appear all in one package. But on the flip side of that - if the package were not 100% complete - how much are devaluing that parts that ARE there - and those people. And why would you devalue yourself if you discovered yourself 'lacking' in some particular small thing ? Seems awfully harsh doesn't it ?



GS
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 02-19-2010, 11:14 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Hey RP,

Would you - really ?
I don't think you should. It think that's unfair to yourself & unrealistic.
Now don't read me here saying we wouldn't want everything to appear all in one package. But on the flip side of that - if the package were not 100% complete - how much are devaluing that parts that ARE there - and those people. And why would you devalue yourself if you discovered yourself 'lacking' in some particular small thing ? Seems awfully harsh doesn't it ?



GS
No I don't find it harsh at all. I know I fulfil everything for my men. Whatever they seek that is outside of me is because they have more love to give and more to get, not because I am not capable of offering them what they need. Of course Mono has no desire to find anyone, but nerdist does and for the reason I mentioned above, is in no rush to find and give more love. It comes into his life and therefore mine in the time and way that is best for all of us.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 02-19-2010, 11:49 PM
redsirenn's Avatar
redsirenn redsirenn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Sunny CA
Posts: 293
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

If I have a need that is unfulfiled then I would take it up with who is in my life and ask for support and someone to walk hand in hand with me on it. I don't see my partners as outside of me in this way. We walk together, that is why I chose them. I simply wouldn't pick someone to fill a need and I wouldn't want to be chosen for that.

I see people and hear of people who gather lovers as if they are a commodit sometimes. I wonder if they feel lonely and need many people around them to ease that feeling. I wonder also if each lover fills a need... Or is it a matter of a certain level of comfort in the depth they have with each one that makes it work. Its not my reality so this is why I ponder these things in an attempt to understand.

I am so glad you wrote this. THIS is the basis for a thread I started a while back about needs... PLUS, needing someone to fill a need, is quite needy, isn't it... ew.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:26 AM.