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  #11  
Old 08-31-2013, 02:44 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I ended up doing this. I talked with her last night. The conversation sort of organically evolved, as I wasn't really planning on doing it. But I had spent so much time writing out my thoughts, I felt fully equipped to express myself. She was wonderful, as always. And now, I just wish I hadn't waited so long!


I am glad! Hopefully this experience gives you new confidence next time there's inner conflict. That you CAN ask for help/support.

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For me, I feel guilty when I experience jealousy... because I'm the one being "added" to their relationship. Does that make sense?
You have not been "added." They chose to end their previous relationship configuration. (2 person monogamy). In order to co-create something else with you. (3 person polyship).

If it just you thinking you were "added" to their existing relationship, that's more of your own "head thinks" positioning you as "optional, less than, extra, bonus, not of main importance." You could examine your thoughts and thinking habits if this is the case. Remember you are not your thinking behavior. You are the one DOING the thinking behavior.

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Her husband is awesome for being open to this, and I feel that I have NO right to feel jealousy.
You seem to be uncomfortable with your ugh feelings when you feel them rather than just accept and sit with it.

You seem to have this habit of judging the feelings you have and trying to talk yourself into NOT having them like stiff arming them away from you. So then instead of having 1 ugh feeling to deal with (jealousy) then you end up with a serving of two ughs (jealousy + guilt for being jealous).

Are you this way with your "yummy" feelings also? Distrusting "happy" or not sure about feeling "content?" Or is it just the "yucky" feelings that get this way for you?

Do you think a lot of "should" in your head? If so, could try on changing it to "could" -- you are not your feelings or your thoughts. You are the awareness and being BEHIND the feelings and thoughts. You seem to live with a "heavy inner judge" voice in there.

You feel whatever it is you feel when you feel it. Rain is rain, sun is sun, emotional weather is emotional weather. Some will be yummy to feel and some will be yucky to feel. Either way? It eventually blows on through. Do what behaviors you need to do to weather it out better.

Like before... You were thinking blah stuff (old behavior) and felt ugh and "less than" (old feeling). You needed reassure to feel better (need), so you decided to talk to partner (new behavior done) and now you feel better (new feeling ensued.)

Feelings ensue after behavior. If you don't like how you are feeling, could figure out the behavior that needs to change.

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Did you ever experience jealousy in your relationship? How long did it take to overcome it? What were some things you did to help yourself overcome those feelings?
Could these help?
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You also mentioned that I seem to have a fear of making myself vulnerable... which now I see is true, although that was a shocking realization for me. I usually pride myself in being able to open up to people I love. But this time, I think the fear really got to me.
What is the fear from? Could some of this fear thing also be part of still processing grief over your recent break up with your ex? Like because of that you fear your other partners breaking up with you TOO and ending up totally single?

In your break up, did you break it up with the ex or did the ex break it up with you? Was there "less than" feelings in that dyad you could be carrying over to this side?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-31-2013 at 03:01 AM.
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  #12  
Old 08-31-2013, 02:44 AM
polywannacrackeryo polywannacrackeryo is offline
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Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Does this relationship have any hope of fulfilling your long term hopes for your life?
I had never considered it before this. I just never thought it was an option for me. But now, I could certainly say it's a possibility. I just need to re-learn what society has taught me about love. But I would say yes.
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  #13  
Old 08-31-2013, 03:55 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by polywannacrackeryo View Post
I had never considered it before this. I just never thought it was an option for me. But now, I could certainly say it's a possibility. I just need to re-learn what society has taught me about love. But I would say yes.
Never thought what was a possibility? A relationship?

When you say 'what society has taught me about love,' do you mean any of the things in bold below? Or something else? What specifically do you need to re-learn?

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Originally Posted by polywannacrackeryo View Post
I think some of it stems from the secrecy surrounding the poly lifestyle. It bothers me knowing that I will never be able to hold my partner's hand in public, or brag about her to my friends and family. For holidays, they have their families....they get to be together. They have the security and promise of marriage—of eternity. When I think of it in this perspective, I feel hopeless and alone. While my partner has always done a perfect job at making me feel included and wanted, I still hate knowing that I'm secondary... because she consumes me... every thought. I would never want them to separate... ever! But sometimes I find myself wishing that things could be different, and I feel quite selfish. I never thought that I would feel this way. If anything, I should really be so grateful that her husband is okay with our relationship. I feel guilty for my feels.

I can recognize the fact that these insecurities are sometimes just part of a poly relationship. I know I must learn to deal with these feelings in an effective way...
Loving someone is one thing. Being the dirty little secret is altogether different. I, for one, would be unwilling to always be the one left out, in the name of 'love.' I don't think that has anything to do with societal programming. I think it's a basic human need and right, to feel like the person who loves you is willing to, and in fact, wants to acknowledge you and include you.

I'm a single secondary, and it works for me for several reasons, among them:
  • I can and do hold his hand in public.
  • I do spend some holidays with him.
  • Those I don't, I'm spending with my children and not feeling left out while he goes off to his family and I sit home alone.
  • He does brag about me to his friends.

I foresee a day when never going to meet his family will become an issue for me, if we're still together (because he's not out to his family). We as human beings are social. We need connections and community, and eventually, I would want that. I make no apologies for having normal human desires to connect, to be part of my loved one's life and family.


It concerns me that you feel guilt for having any needs. The things you talk about are reasonable human desires and needs, to want to feel included, acknowledged, to want to feel some security in your relationship with your loved one, to want to hold hands in public.
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  #14  
Old 09-01-2013, 05:02 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by polywannacrackeryo View Post
... because she consumes me... every thought ... I've fallen, and fallen hard.
Sounds like you are still wrapped up in puppy love (NRE) to me. This isn't a game changing point, just something to keep in mind. This kind of emotional state tends to have the volume turned up on every possible emotion you could experience and can give you false positives if you aren't paying attention.

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Originally Posted by polywannacrackeryo View Post
Is there such a thing as communication overload? Should I express my insecurities to my partner, even though they are things that cannot be changed?
Is F your only outlet for this kind of discussion? If so, I suggest you fix this post haste. Being able to have a healthy sounding board for your thoughts and feelings is a good thing but it doesn't always need to be with the person who is prompting these thoughts or feelings. I'm not saying you *shouldn't* discuss this with F, I am just recommending that if you don't have any other options this is not a good thing.

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Originally Posted by polywannacrackeryo View Post
But sometimes I find myself wishing that things could be different, and I feel quite selfish. I never thought that I would feel this way. If anything, I should really be so grateful that her husband is okay with our relationship. I feel guilty for my feels.
Do yourself a favor, let go of this guilt garbage. This kind of "I feel so guilty" talk is generally only used for self-imposed torture or for emotional blackmail - either way I suggest you work on letting it go.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be happy and recognizing that what is happening currently is not promoting happiness. This situation is pretty messed up, honestly, so I don't think your having feelings of envy are out of line. Envy is pretty much just wanting something you don't have and you see that someone else *does* have it.

You are essentially in a secondary relationship in a number of rather significant ways. Living in the closet is a crappy place to be and you might consider whether or not this is going to be good for you in the long term (look how much headache it's giving you in the short term).

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Originally Posted by polywannacrackeryo View Post
Is it okay to tell her my insecurities, even though they are irrational? Or, should I just suck it up, and keep telling myself that I need to get over being in second place?
A word on insecurities: Your insecurities are yours to fix, no one else can do that for you. Most of the time they crop up from unrelated past issues and general all-purpose poor self-image. However, sometimes these feelings are alerting us to the fact that there is an inequity in our midst and that we need to take a look at it. In your particular situation I don't see anything irrational about feeling some insecurity.

Being a dirty little secret would make me mondo insecure.
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  #15  
Old 09-01-2013, 10:10 AM
london london is offline
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Maybe you either need to find a primary style relationship of your own where you have those kind of practical entanglements or you need to find partners who are openly polyamorous and wouldn't have those rules about PDAs and the like. Many poly people do not partake in secondary style relationships where they are "in the closet" for the very reasons you have stated. Others, usually those with primary style entanglements of their own and not very liberal families are suited to the "in the closet" secondary relationships and seek them out specifically. It doesn't mean they love their secondary partner(s) less, it just means they know they won't be doing the whole family thing with them.
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  #16  
Old 09-02-2013, 07:57 PM
polywannacrackeryo polywannacrackeryo is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
In your particular situation I don't see anything irrational about feeling some insecurity.

Being a dirty little secret would make me mondo insecure.
To be fair, even though I'm sad about secrecy, I wouldn't want to be outed as poly, either. I'm already gay in the bible belt... that is challenging enough for me. I completely understand why we must keep things secretive. Besides, there are certain areas where we are able to be outwardly affectionate with one another. They are just severely limited, and I knew going into the situation what I would be facing.

I've done a lot of self-reflecting this weekend, and I've been doing some heavy duty reading on the topic. To be quite honest, I think it just boils down to being honest with myself about my fears/insecurities. I've never had security issues before... and I think it has more to do with this being my first poly experience, and not really knowing what to expect. All three of us have excellent communication, and we are aware of each others' struggles. It's just difficult for me to un-learn what society tells us is normal, and re-learn love by looking at what my own experiences have taught me.

As you can see, I have good moments and bad moments. But all in all, this is a very exciting experience, and I'm happy to be a part of it. I just need to re-evaluate every now and again. Even though my insecurities haven't all magically disappeared, I feel that I am developing the tools I need to cope with them. I'm learning there's a difference between talking about insecurities with your partner and using them as a dumping ground. I'm also learning that I am the only one responsible for my emotions. I hope I can continue down this path of discovery and growing. I feel myself slowly being able to just let go, relax, and enjoy the ride.
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