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Old 06-05-2012, 01:22 PM
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kittykat74 kittykat74 is offline
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Location: southeast, mi
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Question Can mono/poly relationships work.

I'm sure this has been covered before, but I'm sure it is buried within the forum somewhere.

My situation is many layered I'm sure as many other people's. We decided to open our relationship about three years ago at the same time we became very active in the BDSM lifestyle. Shortly after I found a girl that I found interesting and we started talking. We then found a local Poly munch and we met her at that point. Well almost as soon as she met my partner she stopped talking to me and they hid from me that they were falling for eachother.

I have had to work through abandonment issues because of that. Which is still a struggle. I have tried dating other people in the meantime, but have problems emotionally dealing with splitting my attention. Also I have been going back and forth between being a slave and a submissive which also split my attention. I recently have been diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder which I have been dealing with most of my life. I am on medication and that helps most of the time. During this process have deemed myself a switch and mono. Which has become a problem within my primary relationship.

I know a lot of these issues are my own and I am working on it, but I have no support from family, no friends, and my partner just takes everything I have to say about my feelings as either my disorder talking or an attack on him. We have no intimacy and not even sure a relationship at this point. As far as the intimacy I have a hard time accepting the fact that he does the same things to me that he does to her. Not always in a sexual aspect. During all of this we have moved twice and had other vanilla issues that had to be dealt with.

Has anyone had similar issues or any advice on how to deal with all of this. I just feel alone and unsure what to do.
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Old 06-05-2012, 02:01 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I hope they can... I am poly my husband is mono.

In my situation he is the one who realized that I was poly and going crazy in our relationship since he couldn't give me what I need. He too is heavy into BDSM and is wired as a sub/slave. He got into a relationship with me knowing that I have huge issues with physically hurting the ones I love. He thought he could live without it apparently he can not. I can sometimes play with him if I am very happy hence his suggesting I "find my happiness".

I am straight and have no interest in other women so needless to say I have found a man who is everything my husband is not. Don't get me wrong I love my husband deeply but he can't be everything I need I need two types of men to make me happy. My husband is actually and Alpha male everywhere but the bedroom. And that is one place I need one. He gets off on physical pain and humiliation and I just can not do that to a man I love.

My relationship currently is a vee. The men know of each other but have never met. I want an egalitarian vee. Hubby wants an heirarchical vee which is understandable. I want the relationships I have with each man to be separate from each other. I care about each of them differently.

I spent this past weekend with my boy friend. My husband got this whole huge bondage fantasy worked up in his head. When I came home I was open to playing a bit to make him happy but was not in the mood to get deep into it. Which didn't make him happy. To be honest it creeps me out sometimes. He didn't get what he wanted and has been upset ever since. I keep telling him what I am comfortable with he does not respect my feelings. I am willing to meet him halfway but he keeps trying to drag me beyond my comfort zone. The last 6 years have been like this. Even before he suggested me seeing other people.

So right now I am dealing with my hurt feelings. Hubby's anger. My boyfriend is supportive of me. He understands I am between a rock and a hard place and I am facing an ugly conversation with my husband. I hate to say it hubby is pushing me away.

Hon my suggestion to you is to find a good counselor.. Some one to help you deal with your emotional pain.

Every time my husband pushes his issues on me to be honest I take it as a personal attack. I have suggested he look outside our relationship to satisfy his bondage needs but he refuses as he is a hard wired mono and I am the only one for him. He just can't seem to get that he is pushing me away with his demands. It is now at the point their is not intimacy between us. I have no urge to have anyway with him because of his demands without compromise.
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Old 06-05-2012, 04:01 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Mono/poly can most definitely work, and work well. It takes effort, though, because of the varying mindsets involved - what can be "taken as read" when both parties think similarly may take a lot of discussion in a mono/poly situation.

Things tend to get even more work-intensive when you add a BDSM dynamic into the mix, because there are all of the dynamics of that to work through and resolve. Sometimes they can definitely get in the way of working through the mono/poly issues.

Adding emotional health issues into the mix and you have the trifecta - because THAT takes a lot of energy to work through and can disrupt emotional and relationship dynamics to a huge degree.

When you have these three things all whirling around, people are going to get them mixed up in their minds, and maybe "mis-diagnose" an issue. And you say that there have been other "life" issues that have been a distraction to you, too.

Think about seeing if you can do something to give you some more space to work through one of these issues and put it to bed, before you start working on the others. Only you can say if this is even a possibility, of course - things might already be so entangled that they can't be divided out. This would involve putting one or two aspects of this on hold for a while. maybe stopping the poly and BDSM until you get your health issues sorted (which is the only one that you absolutely can NOT choose to put on hold). This would involved the agreement of everyone involved of course, and may not be possible.

I strongly believe that one of the keys to working through these situations is that everybody involved needs to work as a team with a set of common goals. it doesn't really sound like you have that right now. That way when something comes up which throws you off, rather than people being dismissive, they can help you to work through it.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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Old 06-06-2012, 03:59 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Yes, there are plenty of threads here on poly/mono relationships and you can find them by doing an Advanced Search or Tag Search for "poly/mono" or "mono/poly" and so on. However, it seems like being mono with a poly partner is just a small part of your problem.

It doesn't sound like you have a loving partner who is being considerate of your needs if you are regularly being dismissed and disrespected. And you say you have no friends - why not? Have you been putting all your focus on him that you let slide your need for friendship and activities outside your relationship? That doesn't sound good. I think you would do well to work on your self-esteem, and that may mean breaking it off and living independently.

I would try to get some counseling or therapy if you can, try to cultivate some friendships, start engaging in things you enjoy, and get as much support as possible so that life feels good again. I wouldn't focus on this boyfriend of yours, who sounds like he takes you for granted (I'm being polite). I also don't think you need to be focused on BDSM, or poly, or anything other than making sure you are good and strong and confident within yourself.
The world opens up... when you do.

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Old 06-06-2012, 06:02 PM
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kittykat74 kittykat74 is offline
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Location: southeast, mi
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Thank you for everybody that has responded. For the record I am in counseling and he has actually joined me on occassion. My counselor is very open and has not flinched in regards to anything I have had to discuss.

Also I don't have what most people would consider "friends". It is not because of my boyfriend it is due to personal issues, being an introvert, but I do have some people I talk to. Limited though on certain subjects.

Since my diagnosis he has become more supportive in the aspect of my overall emotional well being. He has put a hold on the BDSM dynamic and requested me focus on that. The only time we have issues on the emotional aspect is when the poly subject or his girlfriend come up.

As far as the leaving aspect. Not an option not only because we love each other very much, but financially. He is disabled so his funds are limited and I do not have the greatest job that would be able to support me on my own. We are great friends and love hanging out and doing things together, but the vanilla aspect of the relationship may have come to an end. We have different beliefs, likes, dislikes, sex drives, from when we got together. We are taking a break temporarily on the relationship to take the stress out of the equation and will revisit the idea at a later date.

Thank you again for he responses and wish you all the best in your life.
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Old 08-30-2013, 10:26 PM
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kala83 kala83 is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
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for me I realize i can be both poly and mono and it makes it hard. I feel like I lean more toward being mono then I do poly. Even though I love the idea that one can love more then one person and be with more then one person for me.

it just has not worked out, and I don't like that fact but its just a truth for me. That I am slowly starting to realize.

Being in the grey like I am is a hard thing. And I realized this through myself and through concerned friends.

which it makes it even harder
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Old 08-31-2013, 01:18 PM
london london is offline
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Location: UK - land of the free
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Well almost as soon as she met my partner she stopped talking to me and they hid from me that they were falling for eachother.
Well, polyamory is under the umbrella of ethical non monogamy; not being forthcoming with your partners' isn't very ethical.

Also I have been going back and forth between being a slave and a submissive which also split my attention.
You know, there are submissives with real old school protocol and rules and then there are slaves who can essentially do as they like when they like. Surely, finding someone who you could have a healthy power exchange with should be your goal, not achieving a label. What if someone wanted you to be called their slave, but literally had no protocol for you to follow? Or what if someone wanted you to be their submissive, but expected you to ask before you ate, drunk or urinated?

Do I believe non mono/mono relationships can work? I'm skeptical - I think it can work with a monogamous person who really believes that their partner having sexual and/or romantic relationships with other people doesn't devalue or threaten their relationship. Now, polyamory, to me, speaks about a very specific form of consensual non monogamy. In this form of non monogamy, there are no limits to the emotional availability one can have outside of their primary style relationship. You'll notice I say "primary style" because I believe those terms refer to levels of practical entanglement rather than who one loves the most. I am more skeptical about the success and authenticity of poly/mono relationships because I think whilst it is easier to accept your partner loving someone else or having sex with someone else, it's very hard to accept both.

I do believe that some people learn to live with it over time, but at a sacrifice. I think that the part of them that needs monogamy in their relationships dies eventually, and I don't think that is healthy. Some people really don't feel that their partner not being monogamous devalues their relationship and can experience compersion and all those sorts of "poly" feelings although they aren't poly. Those people I'd put in the poly box simply because I believe that the majority of having healthy poly relationships is being able to accept your partner(s) seeing other people. It's quite easy to understand and believe that having more than one partner yourself doesn't compromise how you feel about any of those people, but trusting that same concept in someone else is more difficult.
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confused, intimacy, mono/poly

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