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  #11  
Old 08-30-2013, 12:08 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dutchguy78 View Post
Yes indeed, the disaster has already happened. When she first met him and it became obvious that she has a crush on him, she chose me. But due to the drama and my mistrust of her, I sort of drover her out of the house. I found myself checking her emails and Facebook. She got fed up with my paranoia and couldn't handle the constant drama over the course of weeks, that's why she left.
This is what our mono-centric society teaches us is the appropriate behavior when faced with this situation. I am not dissing monogamy. It works for many people. However, for many it doesn't work well. And then there are those of us who take that journey to see if some version of poly works.

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Originally Posted by Dutchguy78 View Post
As for the interests she shares with him, no I can't replace those. I am no biologist and she connects with him through biology and what appears to be warm friendship feelings.
An honest analysis. And again, nothing that indicates a deficiency in you - just different.

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Originally Posted by Dutchguy78 View Post
I want to rebuild our relationship from this disaster and reconfigure the parameters so that we can both be happy. I can't keep putting up restrictions on her and I can't keep her in a cage. The fact that it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would and that it turns me on a bit if she does give details about the stuff they do, makes me think I may be heading on the same track. I always had in the back of my head that eternal monogamy is folly and unnatural. We both know now.
The fact that you are not as upset as you thought you would be is a good sign. It shows that your ego is not totally wrapped up in a self-identity as a married man. Many couples grow into a shared self-identity, and fail to see themselves as individuals any longer. Then when something like this happens, it shatters their self-identity. It seems you and your wife do see each other as individuals, each with your own sense identity.

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I also want to be truthful and ethical and genuine if I encounter a wonderful woman and I believe more and more that this may be possible.
Keep reading and talking.
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  #12  
Old 08-30-2013, 12:36 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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If she is still thinking of "choosing" one person and not another, than she is not being poly. In my mind, you dont decide to be poly while also keeping the option of choosing to be with one person and not hte other....unless she wants poly but with only one of you.
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  #13  
Old 08-30-2013, 02:10 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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This is one fraught situation. Others have had some good advice.

My thought is to work on being good co-parents first. Don't move back in together - seems WAY too soon for that. But work on respecting each other as parents for your child.

Then, and only then as trust is rebuilt on that front, re-consider rebuilding your romantic relationship.
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  #14  
Old 08-30-2013, 07:33 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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She was having an emotional affair behind your back...lying to you...deceiving you...and you tried to find out what was really going on and whether she was now telling the truth? So it's your fault she moved out?

If this is what she's telling you, it sounds to me like blaming the victim and emotional abuse.

She needs to own her actions. When she lies and deceives, others will begin to double check her stories. Fact of life. What she decides to do about that is on her.

As to dating someone else, yeah, nobody wants to be the toy to entertain you while your wife is off doing some other guy. Have you looked ahead to what happens if/when you fall in love with this other person or this other person falls in love with you and is not content to be the other woman who can never have marriage and a home and children with you?

What if she expresses that she's fallen in love and wants those things that typically come with relationships? Do you have the 'You Awful Cowgirl!' card ready, or will you have a name ready for yourself, for playing with someone's feelings without being able to carry a relationship through to the things most people are looking for?

Will you go out of your way to find a woman who is likely never to want those things, which will make the dating pool quite small? Or will you and your wife plan on opening your home to this hypothetical woman? Or your husband's boyfriends?
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  #15  
Old 08-31-2013, 02:27 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
She was having an emotional affair behind your back...lying to you...deceiving you...and you tried to find out what was really going on and whether she was now telling the truth? So it's your fault she moved out?
A crush isn't an emotional affair. I read it more as she developed a crush on another guy, Dutchguy78 started snooping through her stuff and then she moved out.

Perhaps the OP could clarify that point.
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  #16  
Old 08-31-2013, 02:31 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emm View Post
A crush isn't an emotional affair. I read it more as she developed a crush on another guy, Dutchguy78 started snooping through her stuff and then she moved out.

Perhaps the OP could clarify that point.
True, it's not really clear what happened.
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  #17  
Old 08-31-2013, 03:36 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Wow, that's a lot. I'm sorry you hurt.

I agree with WhatHappened. If this all began with her lying about an cheating affair? That's not a solid foundation to build a polyship on. Polyshipping is not the "whitewash" for cheating, lying and breaking agreements.

What would prevent her from cheating/lying in a polyship in future?

I don't know if reading this could help or not in your emotional management at this time:

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/
http://www.kathylabriola.com/article...u-in-poly-hell
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/p.../jealousy.html

But before you can deal with resolving jealousy, TRUST has to be rebuilt and regained.

Quote:
My carrot in this situation is that she would allow me to also pursue the same and I am tempted, but I have no idea where to start.
If getting to date -- that is your ONLY carrot to try polyshipping? You know you could have that as a single man too, right? Single men can date.

If her polyship offer to you is incomplete, less than yummy or healthy sounding, does not meet your own needs? You have ever right to say "No, thank you. I am not willing to participate in that."

She's not described what open model she's proposing. She's not offering you anything well mapped out or inviting you to help map it out so your needs are met. I wonder if she's offering this mostly so she doesn't have to choose, doesn't have to take emotional responsibility, is looking to assuage her guilt, or misses kid and the cushy you provide at home (because letting a single room is not the same)...

It is good you are thinking or trying to about your OWN long term well being. Rather than just RUSH right into polyshipping with her and her cheating partner so as "not to lose her." This is my response to a different thread, but it applies here too. You have EVERY right to consider the offer presented to you and determine if it is yummy and healthy sounding for you. And the right to say NO if it is an offer that is not healthy or good for you.

To me it seems you could take a time out. Do nothing yet but allow yourself time to cool off. Then decide what the issues are, what the goals to resolve the issues are, and what the strategy to achieve those goals could be. That's where a counselor can come in and help you. Could go see one on your own to help you sort.

But the #1 thing at this time, and later when you are ready to deal with your marriage goals? To continue it in a new polyship shape or to disband the marriage...

That #1 is taking care of daughter appropriately all the way through. Dependents and their needs trump adults and their wants. To me anyway.

Hang in there.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-31-2013 at 03:47 AM.
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