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Old 08-30-2013, 12:08 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Originally Posted by Dutchguy78 View Post
Yes indeed, the disaster has already happened. When she first met him and it became obvious that she has a crush on him, she chose me. But due to the drama and my mistrust of her, I sort of drover her out of the house. I found myself checking her emails and Facebook. She got fed up with my paranoia and couldn't handle the constant drama over the course of weeks, that's why she left.
This is what our mono-centric society teaches us is the appropriate behavior when faced with this situation. I am not dissing monogamy. It works for many people. However, for many it doesn't work well. And then there are those of us who take that journey to see if some version of poly works.

Originally Posted by Dutchguy78 View Post
As for the interests she shares with him, no I can't replace those. I am no biologist and she connects with him through biology and what appears to be warm friendship feelings.
An honest analysis. And again, nothing that indicates a deficiency in you - just different.

Originally Posted by Dutchguy78 View Post
I want to rebuild our relationship from this disaster and reconfigure the parameters so that we can both be happy. I can't keep putting up restrictions on her and I can't keep her in a cage. The fact that it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would and that it turns me on a bit if she does give details about the stuff they do, makes me think I may be heading on the same track. I always had in the back of my head that eternal monogamy is folly and unnatural. We both know now.
The fact that you are not as upset as you thought you would be is a good sign. It shows that your ego is not totally wrapped up in a self-identity as a married man. Many couples grow into a shared self-identity, and fail to see themselves as individuals any longer. Then when something like this happens, it shatters their self-identity. It seems you and your wife do see each other as individuals, each with your own sense identity.

Originally Posted by Dutchguy78 View Post
I also want to be truthful and ethical and genuine if I encounter a wonderful woman and I believe more and more that this may be possible.
Keep reading and talking.
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