To be open or not to be

[booklady78]

Wow, these responses are exactly what I've been needing to hear! I'm a bit 'in awe' of those who live openly poly, being somewhat introverted myself, just seems like such a healthier way to live life I want to be more confident in general and I don't want to be ashamed of being poly. I'm just waiting for those opportunities in conversations to come up where I can talk about it. There's always going to be a handful of people that we don't tell, as their intolerance is well established (can't pick your family :S) but I think that I've already made the decision in my mind that I will not lie about it or make my bf feel like a 'dirty secret'.
Thanks so much for the insight everyone!

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by booklady78

Wow, these responses are exactly what I've been needing to hear! I'm a bit 'in awe' of those who live openly poly, being somewhat introverted myself, just seems like such a healthier way to live life I want to be more confident in general and I don't want to be ashamed of being poly. I'm just waiting for those opportunities in conversations to come up where I can talk about it. There's always going to be a handful of people that we don't tell, as their intolerance is well established (can't pick your family :S) but I think that I've already made the decision in my mind that I will not lie about it or make my bf feel like a 'dirty secret'.
Thanks so much for the insight everyone!

This was such a happy thing to read! I think that's awesome! I hope we can be more and more open too!!!

[saudade]

These days, I'm basically entirely out of the closet. Here's the story of how it happened...

In my first couple years in a poly relationship, we were only out of the closet to half of my friends (most of those at my college, but not the majority of those from my hometown), and to the mother of one of my partners. I hated keeping things from friends and family, and pretending that one of my boyfriends was a gay best friend half the time. It sucked.

I wound up coming out to my mother by sheer luck. The documentary Three of Hearts was playing on television, and she happened to see it and then bring it up in conversation. I remember pressing her and pressing her for what she thought about the triad in the documentary-- she was a conservative Christian at the time, and I couldn't picture her approving. She finally admitted it wouldn't bother her, and she didn't think they were going to hell, and stared at me strangely for badgering her. It all came out in a rush at that point: "Mom, I've been dating A for the last two years." She smiled and told me she thought of him as family anyway, and we hugged and cried and all that jazz.

It's three or four years later now, and I've split with both of those boyfriends and gotten involved with two new partners. My whole immediate family has been really supportive, which has been awesome. K and I are out to his sister (who co-houses with us) and his father (who is worried that Z'll be the biological father of my children, and is convinced it's a mistake in general). We're not sure if his mother knows, and I'd rather he told her, but K's entire family has a very different communication style from mine so I don't judge. Z immediately told his siblings and parents about me and K both (he joined up when K and I were getting engaged), and the reactions have ranged from concerned to outright hostility. I'm hoping that meeting his outraged siblings in a few months for his college graduation will diffuse the tension a bit. In hopes that it might help others, Z's mother found this article in the Boston Globe and said it helped her some:

http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/ma..._new_frontier/

We're also out to the majority of our friends; we co-house with many of them so it would be difficult not to tell! I completely agree with LovingRadiance; it's easier to just keep friendships that are supportive than to dodge around the subject, at least for me. I've even told several of my coworkers, and plan on letting my bosses know once my contract is signed more permanently-- I'd rather have them know what's actually happening than think that I'm cheating on my fiance.

My limit on coming out is that I won't tell my students or their parents. Even in Cambridge with a lesbian boss, there are limits.

Whew that was long! Thanks for your forbearance, folks...

[MrsDeep]

I kinda know how you feel, Being a poly. My girlfriend is afraid to show PDA. And I know it shouldnt bug me. But Holding hands in a dark movie theather or kissing in the dark, isnt that bad. But she is so sigh. I hope she comes out in time, and I know that explaining to our parents or other friends and family, would be so akward.

My Hubby dont care, but I would like this to be one less thing to tell his parents

[booklady78]

I worry (as I often do :P) that I'm subconsciously withdrawing from family that I'm not comfortable sharing my 'polyness' with. I find myself not keeping in touch as often as I used to, which is why I think about just telliing my family and then dealing with any consequences. I was a little irked that my hubby's new girlfriend is being totally open with most people about their relationship and we discover that she works with my aunt! I'm over the initial annoyance and as far as we know, my aunt hasn't heard anything yet. But there again lies the solution, be open and then no one gets to 'find out' in that way. I cringe at the thought however, I'm just not that extroverted, I'm not that open with people, very private except with those I'm closest to. There seems to be an almost even split with people who are 100% open and those who are just open with those they choose to share it with.

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by booklady78

II was a little irked that my hubby's new girlfriend is being totally open with most people about their relationship and we discover that she works with my aunt! I'm over the initial annoyance and as far as we know, my aunt hasn't heard anything yet. But there again lies the solution, be open and then no one gets to 'find out' in that way.

Do you think it's fair to decide whom your husband's girlfriend is "allowed" to share her life's details with? I would hate to be told that I'm not allowed to share a new joy in my life with my friends and coworkers.

It reminds me of the struggle of so many gay couples where one of them is in the closet. The other is sometimes expected "not to act too gay" in public because they don't want to get outed. It's really hard on the "out" partner to alter the way they live their life on account of someone else's hang-ups.

Originally Posted by booklady78

I cringe at the thought however, I'm just not that extroverted, I'm not that open with people, very private except with those I'm closest to. There seems to be an almost even split with people who are 100% open and those who are just open with those they choose to share it with.

I don't understand the connection between being introverted and being in the closet. I'm very introverted (the girl who listens in conversations, doesn't lead groups, and doesn't strike up conversation with strangers) but I'm very open about who I am with my friends.

Admittedly, family is another story. I put them on a "need to know" basis... if it doesn't come up in conversation, I'm not going to raise the issue. There are enough problems to deal with between extended family members without introducing new ones unnecessarily. That being said, I don't automatically consider my family members to be my "friends." Family dinners, coffee chats etc, I am never comfortable being myself about most things, we keep the conversations to the usual safe topics ("How's school/work? Is that a new car? What are you planting in your garden this year?"). When I was single, I didn't tell them about every boyfriend I was dating, or that I was interested in girls too, so why would I tell them about that now that I'm married?

[whirlingdervish]

I swing in and out of openess depending on my mood. When I first moved back to the town I'd grown up in I told my friends and I think my mom that I was poly. Mostly I just got odd looks and nobody really brought it up again or anything. But I haven't actually been in a poly relationship since being back so by now I'm sure it's pretty much forgotten. I became a fan of some poly group on facebook as a subtle gesture of openness, figuring people can ask me about it if they want to, but I don't feel much need to proclaim it from the rooftops. Of course if I get back into such a relationship, more questions will arise and need to be answered. I figure I will deal with things as they arise and try not to stress about potential problems that don't really exist yet.
Telling people I was bi got me a lot more odd looks and perhaps some disgust, but it hasn't been brought up in a few years since I haven't been involved with another guy in some time. It tended to arise in situations like drinking games like "I never..." "kissed a boy" or such. Maybe it hasn't come up because I haven't played drinking games lately, lol.

[booklady78]

SC - I wouldn't presume to tell anyone they aren't 'allowed' to share their personal lives and my annoyance was brief, just an inital reaction to possibly being outed against my will. None of us had any idea that there was a family connection at her workplace but now that we know and she understands that I'm not openly poly, she respects my desire for privacy. I never told her she wasn't allowed to share the joy of her new relationship with anyone, I only expressed a preference for privacy after the fact, simply by asking that she not share my husbands last name around the workplace so my aunt doesn't find out just yet. I have no issues with the 'fairness' of that request and neither does anyone else involved.

Being introverted, defined as being 'shy', means that I don't readily strike up conversations with people so I'm unlikely to just come out and tell people I'm poly. I'm trying to understand how the connection wouldn't make sense.

After reading this reply, I realize I'm feeling a bit defensive about your comments. Not sure what's pushing my buttons exactly, but definately cause for some further reflection on my part. Thank you for the insight though!

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by booklady78

SC - I wouldn't presume to tell anyone they aren't 'allowed' to share their personal lives and my annoyance was brief, just an inital reaction to possibly being outed against my will. None of us had any idea that there was a family connection at her workplace but now that we know and she understands that I'm not openly poly, she respects my desire for privacy. I never told her she wasn't allowed to share the joy of her new relationship with anyone, I only expressed a preference for privacy after the fact, simply by asking that she not share my husbands last name around the workplace so my aunt doesn't find out just yet. I have no issues with the 'fairness' of that request and neither does anyone else involved.

whoopsies sorry! I guess I did get a little offensive, I didn't mean to attack. I can understand why you wouldn't want to be outed, and as you've explained it now, I see that you haven't infringed on her right to self-expression in any way...

Originally Posted by booklady78

Being introverted, defined as being 'shy', means that I don't readily strike up conversations with people so I'm unlikely to just come out and tell people I'm poly. I'm trying to understand how the connection wouldn't make sense.

hmm... I guess what doesn't make sense to me is that I'm shy also: I don't approach strangers, it takes me a while to get comfortable with people and make friends. But when I do make a friend, when I'm comfortable with them, I am very open about myself. Perhaps we're just different kinds/levels of shy?

I'm wondering if this is the misunderstanding: whereas I think of my shyness as primarily affecting how I behave around strangers and acquaintances, your shyness extends to your friendships also? Perhaps it would be accurate to say that in addition to being shy, you're also a very private person? That would sort it out better in my mind...

[booklady78]

I am comfortable around my friends, but can still be very quiet. I'm becoming much more open with friends and some family in general, speaking up more often. As quiet and shy as I can be sometimes, it is very subjective because I'm a retail manager and I have to be very assertive and well spoken with customers and staff :P
I think being in a poly relationship has really strengthened my communication skills alot though, especially with my husband. We took for granted alot of feelings and experiences, not always sharing our thoughts. Now we talk about everything and it's made us feel much closer to each other. Sometimes that seems so odd that adding another person to the dynamic makes people closer when most monogamous people would believe the opposite!
I'm trying to find openings in conversations with people to let them know about being poly, but it's proving difficult. I don't tend to initiate conversations so waiting for someone to bring up something I can lead into poly is not easy. I just need to get over my shyness and start being more open and honest about alot of things. Being too quiet has been holding me back in alot of things and wanting to be open about being poly is just the latest example.
No hard feelings, I really do appreciate being able to banter back and forth with people on the forums, so much persective, experience, and wisdom