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Old 02-18-2010, 06:54 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 105

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Have you and your wife actually worked out the issues that lead up to your trial separation and her moving out? Were they because of Nikki or was she just caught in the cross-fire of a larger issue? Either way, those issues need to be resolved between you and your wife alone before trying to make something successful with a third.

Fortunately my wife and I took time away from any outside relationships to work on "us" (her and I) which I feel like we had great success with. Nikki was caught in the cross fire of the larger issue. But was put in the direct line of fire when her and I got sexually involved the night after Wifey moved out. Wifey felt betrayed by Nikki for having sex with me instead of looking out for her as a friend.

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
My experience has been that this is never a good idea. Moving in with someone magnifies all the problems that have been lurking beneath the surface. All the couples I've known who have been "forced" into living together prematurely have found the pressure too great, and they either broke up, or moved back into separate homes to keep the peace.

What would Nikki do about her living situation if you guys weren't in her life? Staying with you can be a temporary solution while she gets back on her feet but may not be a viable permanent solution to her housing crisis. And if they aren't already clicking, moving in together will only magnify each other's flaws ("I can't stand the way Nikki leaves her hair in the sink" "I'm sick of Wifey always nagging me to clean up my room" etc)
Well....the only thing that really changed as far as her moving in is that she actually has her things at our house now. She was always at our house..it was like we never did anything with out her before she moved in anyway. Also because her and I have be friend for so long we don't have any issues lurking beneath the surface everything is up front. I think Wifey and Nikki have been friends long enough to know about the others pet peeves..but this situation is temporary until she can save up money to get her own place. however we all acknowledge that the situation could change and she might just end up living with us on a permanent basis.

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
If you're all living under the same roof, how could you NOT get involved in their relationship?? You love your wife, you love Nikki, and whatever happens between them is going to have an affect on you. If they have a lover's spat, how will wife, to whom you've made a life long commitment, feel if you refuse to support her, for fear of upsetting Nikki?
Well I try to not make comments and not pay attention enough to notice anything that would prompt me to say anything. If they have a lovers spat I would choose to let them work it out and if they asked for my input Id offer it and Im secure enough in my relationship with both to point out who I think is wrong or right.

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Be honest: is this "our goal" or "my goal" ? Has your wife expressed a true desire, FOR HERSELF, to be emotionally involved with Nikki, or is she forcing herself into something in order to please you?
Years ago when I thought of this idea I know she was only doing it for me because she didn't have romantic feelings for the person I had in mind (who we had a brief triad with) Her words "I don't know what it is about Nikki but she would be the only person I would be truly interested in having a triad with where I would be doing it for me rather then just you" Problem was that she didnt know what it felt like to have romantic feelings for a woman where as she only previously was interested in the sexual aspect of things with women. So to answer you question more directly no I don't think she is doing this to please me.

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I don't feel that people can force romance if it's just "not there." If two people are meant to be together, then hell and high water can't keep them apart. I don't see your moving out making any difference in the chemistry between them. Meanwhile, by trying to fall in love with someone she has no connection to, she might be missing out on another woman that could drive her heart wild! Is that really what you want for her, just so you can have this poly version of the white-picket-fence?
They are not forcing romance. A better way of describing it is Wifey doesn't know how to "be with" a woman so she is trying to figure all that out without having me influencing her to be with Nikki how I as a man would be with Nikki. Nikki doesn't want to come on too strong and a run Wifey off. I believe Wifey is head over heals with Nikki and doesn't know how to partition her love for me and Nikki and them dating helps her see how I respond to it and how Nikki responds to it. I know we all have the poly white picket fence in mind for our future. Our live are already integrated.. kids, family, lifestyle, friends, finances,...etc..

My moving out for a while was more directed at how I can give them space to grow without feeling any pressure from me. an example would be if PDA was said to be ok in front of kids and you was givin the option to choose to kiss or hug in front of kids or without them around the choice would be with out them around even though PDA was ok in front. Same thing applies to me I know that I am ok with everything they do but they have to stop to think about it if I am sitting there which hinders their progress.

Thank you for you input.
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