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  #1  
Old 08-27-2013, 12:55 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Default Living with the Ex

If you read my blog you found out that Seven recently ended our relationship because Lamian pulled a veto after over a year. You also know that I'm in the process of looking for somewhere else to live because I can't be in the house any longer than I need to.

But at the moment I am having to share a living space not only with someone I'm still completely in love with but the woman who has never thought of anyone but herself and damn anyone who gets in her way of what she wants.

How do you do that? How do you stay civil towards a person you have nothing but disgust for? And how do you turn off caring/loving someone so you can be in a house with them and not break down when they aren't there anymore?
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Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
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Old 08-27-2013, 01:34 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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I wish I knew. When I was in the process of getting a divorce (and even post-divorce), my ex was aghast that I wanted to move out, to the point of using the kids as a means to guilt me into staying ("Why would you move out during the school year? I thought you'd at least wait until summer, so they don't have to deal with this on top of school.").

I ended up hanging out with the kids until they went to bed, then sequestering myself into my bedroom for the rest of the night. Not optimal living arrangements, by any means.

My ex didn't get it - even to the point of asking me if he was doing something to piss me off because I wouldn't sit in the living room and watch TV with him anymore.

Good luck. I had to get out ASAP, both for my own sanity, and for other reasons (thinking that my mom needed a place to go for her own health reasons). I hope you find something better than "hole up in the bedroom when they're home".
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #3  
Old 08-27-2013, 04:20 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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I'm hoping we find a place soon. As soon as we do, we are leaving.
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Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #4  
Old 08-27-2013, 04:28 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CattivaGattina View Post
How do you do that? How do you stay civil towards a person you have nothing but disgust for?
I don't have any experience of this with poly, but I frequently used to spend weeks visiting my MIL with Gralson. She hated my guts from the word "go" so she was always on my case.

The only way is lots and lots of avoidance, mentally counting ten before speaking, and realizing that anything mean they say is just them being self-centred twerps and nothing wrong with you yourself.

Quote:
And how do you turn off caring/loving someone so you can be in a house with them and not break down when they aren't there anymore?
I don't think you can in such a tight time frame. Again, I would probably resort to avoidance. It's by no means a great way to go through life, but you're in survival mode right now. Stay out as much as possible, stay in your room when you need to be home, spend time with good friends and family for support. Maybe get a part time job so you're out more, and incidentally making extra money to help with the move?
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Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

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  #5  
Old 08-28-2013, 01:37 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
How do you stay civil towards a person you have nothing but disgust for?
Could avoid hanging out together or being around each other too long. When it cannot be helped that you are in the same space? Could choose to practice "grocery store polite." Because even the grocery store strangers gets a basic politeness level out of me. "Excuse me." "Thank you." "Please." It doesn't mean I love them or are tight with them or anything. It just means I choose to be civil.

In the case of people I dislike? I can add the rest in the privacy of my own head. *shrug*

"Excuse me (jerkface), I'd like to get the peanut butter."
Quote:
And how do you turn off caring/loving someone so you can be in a house with them and not break down when they aren't there anymore?
You don't. Feelings are not a faucet that you turn on and off.

Could decide to be ok breaking down at this time. Just let it out in private -- in the shower, in your pillow, with a friend. Wherever is most appropriate and safe.

Could let the feelings do their job. Some emotions are yummy to feel and some are yucky. Internal weather is just that. Weather. Could decide to weather out the stages of grief and let each stage blow over. Could engage in the process of letting it GO even if parts of it feel yucky rather than bottling it up and thus winding up holding on to it.

With the passage of more time, the new normal will become the new normal, and things will not sting so bad. When you live in separate spaces, not being physically around will also help with detachment and navigating through those stages also. It's just all going to take time it takes.

Hang in there!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-28-2013 at 01:42 AM.
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  #6  
Old 08-28-2013, 01:42 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I have been where you are and I know how much it hurts. (Only difference is I didn't have a husband; it was just the three of us.)

The way I coped was by putting one foot in front of the other, keeping my goals in mind, and clamping down on my emotions around the parties in question.

I dare say that I will be surprised if their marriage withstands this. In our case poly magnified the issues between my couple. It was easy to blame the poly circumstance, but that was never the issue. A year after I left, they separated and are in the process of divorcing. Let me tell you though, it gives me no satisfaction.

I am sorry. :/
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