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  #41  
Old 08-26-2013, 08:50 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Hey how was your weekend ? ...sorry I was away for a few days .

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Strangely I get the not being ready part...there's the history, the kids , the upheaval ...nothing horribly wrong within the marriage.

How can you make the demotion , displacement and intrusion better when it hasn't really got going full speed. Meaning you have yet to have your desired relationship dynamic with your BF. You said you want it all ...unrestricted dates , sleepovers, split time, etc. etc
I DO want all that, sure. But in reality, BF cant give me those things right now anyway. He has a wife and kids himself, and obligations on his side that prevent those things from happening. But someday, yeah, that would be ideal.
The summer has been very challenging for us. With all the kids schedules, we have only been able to really see each other once every other week. Which is very different for the "school year" schedule, which is once or twice a week. But most of that time is family time with a toddler, not even adult time. For that, we rely on texting and an occasional date at night (maybe once a month if we are lucky).

TB, on the other hand, still gets to see me every day, sleep with me every night, spend quality time (when we can carve that out in between work and kids, etc..). He still often feels like he doesnt get enough of me, even though proportionately, he gets WAY MORE. This is part of my fundamental issue, and we have disparity in ow much is enough and how much is "too much"....
I'm not sure if you're aware of this but the topics of Demotion , displacement and intrusion are from the poly hell article which Gala has generously posted many times. If you or any of the others involved in this have not read that you might want to check it out.

As for the situation.... what you're saying is demotion has happened and he's feeling that ...displacement of sorts has happened or is happening more on an emotional level ...and as for time and attention or intrusion that really hasnt happened YET because the other wife is blocking that.

And as for the disparity of whats enough and whats too much .....I think an element with in that would be how that's tallied up and mindset during said activities. Even if you're with someone 100% of the time but you head and heart are not ...how would that be calculated ? Doing things out of obligation, pity or pacification demonstrates this point. Does it count ...not count ...count against ????


Someone wrote on another thread or blog about the possible negative "what if's." Have TB or you or BF thought about what those could be and how much weight they'd have or how much stress they'd cause. And or how those "what if's " play into the overall topics of Demotion, displacement and intrusion.

A few example might be that you get clearance from the tower ( bf's wife ) and you start a sexual relationship.... and it turns out to be so good/great that you lose all desire for TB.

Or as you work toward you goal of more integration into your life TB shuts down and withdraws.

Or TB with some new found time on his hands goes out to find another soul mate ...and the reverse happens his time and energy and desire flow elsewhere and because of the wife your's never gets off the ground.

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A few days ago a friend said that in therapy she discovered that guilt was the motivating factor in trying to make her two relationships equal. In fact she over compensated in one relationship due to her feelings in the other...so it actually wasnt equal at all thus upsetting thing further.

Could guilt ...or a chunk of guilt be masked as this companiate love.
Guilt of having these feeling ..guilt of what it could do to the family, etc
Sure, I have thought of this. I have lots of guilt. Plenty to go around. That's why therapy should be beneficial.
I do think this was a motivating factor for taking a break from sexual activity with both guys. I needed to look at the situation as a whole. I was spending time with BF, building up all this sexual energy, and then not having an outlet for that. Bringing it home to TB was fun at first, but it started to feel icky, like I was giving him something that really belonged to BF and I. I did not like that. I am still trying to figure out whether that needs to be a boundary for me, not being sexual with TB after a date with BF. I want my sexual encounters to be genuine for each of them, and not just a way to expend energy, and not giving one person a "gift" that should have been given to someone else....
Have you explained this to both of them ? Was TB OK with having BF be sort of a fluffier for your relationship? Some people might reject such encounters for the same reason ....not being genuine. On the other hand I know guys that would care less ...take whats offered and be happy. ...win win Personally the spill over effect didnt happen for me ...meaning I rejected the pity/obligatory attempt.

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So I/we (other posters) got the tone and gist right You recaptured the one that got away "a" soul mate ...and you have a long history ( marriage) and commitments (kids ) which constitutes a bond ..love. Or love like close relative ....something other than passion or "being in love "

When did you develop your theory on soul mates ?
Yes, TB and BF and I have had many conversations discussing how BF is the "one that got away". I tend to downplay that, myself. While I do think about what life would have been like had I made different choices, if BF had actually told me how he felt when he had the chance, the truth us we didnt make those choices. I dont believe in second guessing those kinds of things. I made the best choices I could at the time, with the information I had, and I have accomplished many wonderful things in my life. I can only go from here onward.
Why do you down play that ? Guilt ....Hurting TB feelings further ..(grinding salt in a fresh wound) or something different ?


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As far as my "theory" on soulmates, well I suppose it has evolved over time. Many years ago (over 10) I read a book by Caroline Myss, Sacred Contracts. It resonated with me in a way that I needed at the time, seeking connections with others who come into your life, and the fact that they are there for a reason. Not some "Divine, prescribed" reason, but just that each person was an opportunity to learn and grow. Some of these people would be more important than others, help me in greater ways, and I would grow by leaps and bounds around them. Others are wonderful companions but may not have a significant impact on my life overall.

Much of the subject matter of her book was based on Jungian archetypes and made sense to me in making sense of the roles I was playing in different relationships, as well as the roles people were playing with me. If a person comes into my life, and impacts it in a significant way, such that my life is never the same again, well that person would be a "soul mate" to me. It may not fit other people's definitions, but it is a word or term that allows me to explain that person's significance in my life.
Funny but I'm actually familiar with her book ...I almost went to see her dog and pony show at one of the local hotels .....she seems like a tough old broad

So as the evolution on soul mates is happening was TB made aware of this yrs and yrs ago or does he learn this recently?


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Thanks for continuing to ask questions for me to think about.

Willow
No problem ...my pleasure

Here's another question that just popped into my head. I didnt ask my wife this directly but it was sort of covered it in a discussion of wanting to the secondary partner. If you have these wildly different definitions of love ...is that then a poly relationship ? No one describes being in a poly relationship with a brother and a parent ...or 2 children . Loving more than 2. So if there is this huge passion disparity from one relationship to another ....room mate/brother vs lover.

I know that's super subjective ...but worth to kick around as a concept.

And just because you have the capacity to love that way doesn't actually mean you'll feel that way or act that way.




I really hope things work out for all ...all 7-9 or how many are involved ... D
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  #42  
Old 08-27-2013, 05:50 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Giggle-DH-you crack me up.
In real life I"m forever telling people that "poly" as it's most frequently used really doesn't encompass who I am.
I just love a lot of people.

I say that-because I have friends who are more "family" than "friends" by definition. I love them.
I have friends who are more than 'just friends' but we aren't lovers-but in all other ways we are as intimate as I am with lovers... I just love them.

I have two lovers. I love them.

And kids-OMG.
Yeah-there's my 3 biological children. My stepson, my godson, my two girls (who I call "the girls") and it just keeps going and going and going. How do you define? Silly.

I just love them.

Now-if we want to talk SEX-that is different. I have sex with my two lovers.

But we could discuss sexy and that makes a whole new mess! I love to flirt and flaunt and be racy and suggestive and....
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  #43  
Old 08-27-2013, 09:24 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Hey how was your weekend ? ...sorry I was away for a few days .


I'm not sure if you're aware of this but the topics of Demotion , displacement and intrusion are from the poly hell article which Gala has generously posted many times. If you or any of the others involved in this have not read that you might want to check it out.
No problem. I was too.

Yes, I had read it, but it was a while ago. I just went back and read it again. Absolutely, that is all happening for him right now. And for 6 months or so, I was doing everything I was told to. Talking, snuggling, spending time together, having sex on a regular basis. And none of it was helping him to feel any better than he did. I admit I hit a wall. I started to resent that I was making such efforts to make things better for him, but I wasnt getting that in return. I needed to try a different way.

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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
And as for the disparity of whats enough and whats too much .....I think an element with in that would be how that's tallied up and mindset during said activities. Even if you're with someone 100% of the time but you head and heart are not ...how would that be calculated ? Doing things out of obligation, pity or pacification demonstrates this point. Does it count ...not count ...count against ????
Right exactly. I dont know how to answer that. Does it count? Maybe. Should it count? Subjective.... He does not want me to do anything out of obligation. The disparity is that I just dont want to at the same pace he does. Common relationship issue, or so I have heard...

How many times are we with a partner, and we are thinking about work? Or school? Or someone we know who is sick, or struggling with an issue? I know that thinking about another love when Im with a partner sounds squicky, but it's also a reality. We can downplay that for our partners comfort.


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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Someone wrote on another thread or blog about the possible negative "what if's." Have TB or you or BF thought about what those could be and how much weight they'd have or how much stress they'd cause. And or how those "what if's " play into the overall topics of Demotion, displacement and intrusion.

A few example might be that you get clearance from the tower ( bf's wife ) and you start a sexual relationship.... and it turns out to be so good/great that you lose all desire for TB.

Or as you work toward you goal of more integration into your life TB shuts down and withdraws.

Or TB with some new found time on his hands goes out to find another soul mate ...and the reverse happens his time and energy and desire flow elsewhere and because of the wife your's never gets off the ground.
Yes, we have talked about that somewhat. Splitting up, what if he does find someone who is willing to be loving and affectionate and submissive and dominant and mono with him? He may very well decide to leave me... Which would suck.. but is a risk of letting someone you love go, to love another.



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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Have you explained this to both of them ? Was TB OK with having BF be sort of a fluffier for your relationship? Some people might reject such encounters for the same reason ....not being genuine. On the other hand I know guys that would care less ...take whats offered and be happy. ...win win Personally the spill over effect didnt happen for me ...meaning I rejected the pity/obligatory attempt.
TB was fine with it. I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, it helped him reconnect with me when I returned. On the other, he got to reap the benefits, and as long as he was getting laid, he was happy. (This is my very snarky, defensive response. Not what I really think was happening. But it is an angle I have considered.)



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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Why do you down play that ? Guilt ....Hurting TB feelings further ..(grinding salt in a fresh wound) or something different ?
Yes, to protect his feelings. To not make him feel as though BF is more important than he is. They are both important to me. I love both of them. I want both of them. The "picture" of what each relationship looks like is different, because they are different guys, and they each bring out different aspects of me, but neither is more important than the other.

But also, because I cannot go back and second guess every decision. If I were to say, "Gee, I made a huge mistake walking away from you. I should have married you instead", that, to me, feels like I am saying I dont want the life I have now. TB and I have a good life, we have loved much and endured much. I have a job I love, that I may or may not have found with BF. I have three amazing kids, and I would not wish them away for all the love in the world. So to say, I wish, is just giving us the opportunity to feel bad about things we cant go back and change anyway.




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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
So as the evolution on soul mates is happening was TB made aware of this yrs and yrs ago or does he learn this recently?
Oh, no. We have talked about stuff like that on and off for years. He has known this a long time, and shares many of my views on the subject. It's not new.


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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Here's another question that just popped into my head. I didnt ask my wife this directly but it was sort of covered it in a discussion of wanting to the secondary partner. If you have these wildly different definitions of love ...is that then a poly relationship ? No one describes being in a poly relationship with a brother and a parent ...or 2 children . Loving more than 2. So if there is this huge passion disparity from one relationship to another ....room mate/brother vs lover.

I know that's super subjective ...but worth to kick around as a concept.

And just because you have the capacity to love that way doesn't actually mean you'll feel that way or act that way.
Im not sure I understand. Do you mean to ask whether two people who have different love styles can BE in love? And can they find ways to be together, and have a poly relationship?

I also have friends that are part of my poly family, but are not lovers. We love them completely. If they lost a child or a partner,or had some other important event come up for them, I would drive the 300 miles to be with them, no matter what. I think it's about love, not sex. Which is why BF is still my BF and not just my friend....

Willow
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Willow ~ 44yo bi woman, married to Bear (formerly known as TB) for 18 years
Bear-Maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
Armadillo (formerly known as BF) - currently out of the picture. Depression is evil...
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  #44  
Old 08-27-2013, 09:35 PM
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Real quick question, since I should be wrapping up at work...

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On the one hand, it helped him reconnect with me when I returned. On the other, he got to reap the benefits, and as long as he was getting laid, he was happy.
I realize you admitted to being snarky here, but what's wrong with him reaping the benefits of your happiness? I've seen that elsewhere described as one of the benefits of poly - that the positive energy from one relationship can benefit another.

If something that triggers a lot of negativity in him can bring him something positive as well, I wonder if that would help temper the negativity a bit.
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Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #45  
Old 08-28-2013, 01:56 AM
willowstar willowstar is offline
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Real quick question, since I should be wrapping up at work...



I realize you admitted to being snarky here, but what's wrong with him reaping the benefits of your happiness? I've seen that elsewhere described as one of the benefits of poly - that the positive energy from one relationship can benefit another.

If something that triggers a lot of negativity in him can bring him something positive as well, I wonder if that would help temper the negativity a bit.
Yes, but how is that fair to BF? My feelings around this issue also include the fact that he is NOT reaping the benefits of this. It just feels icky to me. Maybe I need to explore the "why" of that more.
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Willow ~ 44yo bi woman, married to Bear (formerly known as TB) for 18 years
Bear-Maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
Armadillo (formerly known as BF) - currently out of the picture. Depression is evil...
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  #46  
Old 08-28-2013, 02:48 PM
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Yes, but how is that fair to BF?.
Because I'm annoying enough to answer a question with a question, how is it UNfair to your BF? Are you taking something away from him that he would otherwise be receiving?

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Originally Posted by willowstar View Post
My feelings around this issue also include the fact that he is NOT reaping the benefits of this. It just feels icky to me. Maybe I need to explore the "why" of that more.
Digging and exploring is always good. It's a hard process, but (for me) the results have been well worth it.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #47  
Old 08-29-2013, 12:57 AM
willowstar willowstar is offline
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Because I'm annoying enough to answer a question with a question, how is it UNfair to your BF? Are you taking something away from him that he would otherwise be receiving?

Yes. I am, actually. It is unfair because he does not have the opportunity to reap the benefits of our interactions. So, why should my husband?

I am uncomfortable with the balance issue.
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Willow ~ 44yo bi woman, married to Bear (formerly known as TB) for 18 years
Bear-Maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
Armadillo (formerly known as BF) - currently out of the picture. Depression is evil...
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  #48  
Old 08-29-2013, 04:09 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I'm not sure if you're aware of this but the topics of Demotion , displacement and intrusion are from the poly hell article which Gala has generously posted many times. If you or any of the others involved in this have not read that you might want to check it out.
No problem. I was too.

Yes, I had read it, but it was a while ago. I just went back and read it again. Absolutely, that is all happening for him right now. And for 6 months or so, I was doing everything I was told to. Talking, snuggling, spending time together, having sex on a regular basis. And none of it was helping him to feel any better than he did. I admit I hit a wall. I started to resent that I was making such efforts to make things better for him, but I wasnt getting that in return. I needed to try a different way.
My point is your relationship with the bf hasnt really gotten dialed up yet ....and no where near what would be your ideal or ultimate goal.

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And as for the disparity of whats enough and whats too much .....I think an element with in that would be how that's tallied up and mindset during said activities. Even if you're with someone 100% of the time but you head and heart are not ...how would that be calculated ? Doing things out of obligation, pity or pacification demonstrates this point. Does it count ...not count ...count against ????
Right exactly. I dont know how to answer that. Does it count? Maybe. Should it count? Subjective.... He does not want me to do anything out of obligation. The disparity is that I just dont want to at the same pace he does. Common relationship issue, or so I have heard...

How many times are we with a partner, and we are thinking about work? Or school? Or someone we know who is sick, or struggling with an issue? I know that thinking about another love when Im with a partner sounds squicky, but it's also a reality. We can downplay that for our partners comfort.
I guess this gets really subjective in what is meant by "thinking about " another love. Is it as simple as hearing something the triggers a 'Oh hey I need to tell BF that the next chance I get ...or as your date night wears on you play back comment bf made about being tired from his day and you hope he's still up when you get done or home ....to the extreme ... closing eyes during sex and imagining it was the other guy.

Downplaying for comfort ....when does it become inauthentic ....how much downplaying makes it fake ? Downplaying this ...shading that ...massaging here, caressing there for what ? To cover the extent of the truth and keep him from bolting. ? It almost seems like management. You're trying to manage input to manage reaction and fallout.

Quote:

Quote:
Someone wrote on another thread or blog about the possible negative "what if's." Have TB or you or BF thought about what those could be and how much weight they'd have or how much stress they'd cause. And or how those "what if's " play into the overall topics of Demotion, displacement and intrusion.

A few example might be that you get clearance from the tower ( bf's wife ) and you start a sexual relationship.... and it turns out to be so good/great that you lose all desire for TB.

Or as you work toward you goal of more integration into your life TB shuts down and withdraws.

Or TB with some new found time on his hands goes out to find another soul mate ...and the reverse happens his time and energy and desire flow elsewhere and because of the wife your's never gets off the ground.
Yes, we have talked about that somewhat. Splitting up, what if he does find someone who is willing to be loving and affectionate and submissive and dominant and mono with him? He may very well decide to leave me... Which would suck.. but is a risk of letting someone you love go, to love another.
Are you saying you went through the list a negative What If's/unintended consequences....or just the one with him finding someone else ?


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Have you explained this to both of them ? Was TB OK with having BF be sort of a fluffier for your relationship? Some people might reject such encounters for the same reason ....not being genuine. On the other hand I know guys that would care less ...take whats offered and be happy. ...win win Personally the spill over effect didnt happen for me ...meaning I rejected the pity/obligatory attempt.
TB was fine with it. I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, it helped him reconnect with me when I returned. On the other, he got to reap the benefits, and as long as he was getting laid, he was happy. (This is my very snarky, defensive response. Not what I really think was happening. But it is an angle I have considered.)
Fine might be subjective in this. Fine because he knows the limited nature of whats allowed ...gives him a shot to showcase is love and affection for you .

'He does not want me to do anything out of obligation." except in this case. Or did you initiate these encounters.

Reconnect implies disconnect. Was it reconnect or repossess ?


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Why do you down play that ? Guilt ....Hurting TB feelings further ..(grinding salt in a fresh wound) or something different ?
Yes, to protect his feelings. To not make him feel as though BF is more important than he is. They are both important to me. I love both of them. I want both of them. The "picture" of what each relationship looks like is different, because they are different guys, and they each bring out different aspects of me, but neither is more important than the other.

But also, because I cannot go back and second guess every decision. If I were to say, "Gee, I made a huge mistake walking away from you. I should have married you instead", that, to me, feels like I am saying I dont want the life I have now. TB and I have a good life, we have loved much and endured much. I have a job I love, that I may or may not have found with BF. I have three amazing kids, and I would not wish them away for all the love in the world. So to say, I wish, is just giving us the opportunity to feel bad about things we cant go back and change anyway.
But isn't that the truth ...that's how you really feel ...that's how both you and the BF feel ....you made a huge mistakes.

Today is some old flame of his came back into his life and they admitted the same thing to one another wouldn't you want to know that.

I get the going back ...looking back but doesn't this impact the future ....As far as demotion and displacement it sure would.



[Quote]
Quote:
Here's another question that just popped into my head. I didnt ask my wife this directly but it was sort of covered it in a discussion of wanting to the secondary partner. If you have these wildly different definitions of love ...is that then a poly relationship ? No one describes being in a poly relationship with a brother and a parent ...or 2 children . Loving more than 2. So if there is this huge passion disparity from one relationship to another ....room mate/brother vs lover.

I know that's super subjective ...but worth to kick around as a concept.

And just because you have the capacity to love that way doesn't actually mean you'll feel that way or act that way.
Im not sure I understand. Do you mean to ask whether two people who have different love styles can BE in love? And can they find ways to be together, and have a poly relationship?

I also have friends that are part of my poly family, but are not lovers. We love them completely. If they lost a child or a partner,or had some other important event come up for them, I would drive the 300 miles to be with them, no matter what. I think it's about love, not sex. Which is why BF is still my BF and not just my friend....
[Quote]

It's not love styles .....it's definitions of romantic love ...not even sex. If your not "in love " with 2 people at the same time ...what then. You said you identify as poly. You certainly are living some sort of poly dynamic ...but the acid test for me is being "in love " with 2 or more. 2 highly passionate romantic relationship happening at the same time. Not old companion and hot lover.


Also thanks alot RL that cleared things you nicely

Quote:
Are you taking something away from him that he would otherwise be receiving?
Yes. I am, actually. It is unfair because he does not have the opportunity to reap the benefits of our interactions.
Does this apply to only sex ? If you mess around in the car you husband pays for (helps pay for ) ...or text on a phone thats covered by family plan to whose benefit does that go?

On a side note what did the therapist say on telling your daughter ?

Last edited by dingedheart; 08-29-2013 at 04:18 PM.
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  #49  
Old 09-02-2013, 02:14 AM
gingersnap gingersnap is offline
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Truth is it was over the top for me. He was always trying to french kiss me in front of our kids, in the grocery store, always ogling me when I was getting dressed, that sort of thing. Which are not really big deals, but I am not big on PDA, and those are things he should know about me. His boundaries were becoming inappropriate, and so I felt as though it was important, for our relationship to survive, for me to set the boundaries more clearly, and ask him to just STOP. Even after telling him that sex was off the table for a little while, he continued to try and touch my breasts, put his hands on my ass, and basically just disregard entirely everything I was asking him to do. I told him clearly that I was not doing this as punishment, that I needed to get some perspective on what was going on for me, but I really feel as though he did not take me seriously. That if he just played enough, I would get a little turned on and just give in. I finally had to make it abundantly clear that he was NOT allowed to give me any kind of sexual touch whatsoever unless I had specifically invited him. Which to many people may seem over the top. But he WAS NOT respecting my limits. And even people for whom Touch is their primary love language have to respect the limits of their partners.
Its not extreme. You have a right to decide what happens to your body - husband or not. Its considered sexual assault if you dont give consent even if you have had sex before or if you are married. It should not be expected, and it should always be asked for - IE consent.
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Old 09-02-2013, 07:20 PM
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My point is your relationship with the bf hasnt really gotten dialed up yet ....and no where near what would be your ideal or ultimate goal.
.....

Downplaying for comfort ....when does it become inauthentic ....how much downplaying makes it fake ? Downplaying this ...shading that ...massaging here, caressing there for what ? To cover the extent of the truth and keep him from bolting. ? It almost seems like management. You're trying to manage input to manage reaction and fallout.
Yes, probably true. I am doing that. Protecting his feelings, protecting my own heart from pain as well. One of the things that I am finding so challenging with him is "telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." When we (as a society) as so used to telling white lies, protecting feelings, and being nice (No, honey, that dress does NOT make you look heavier.), it is hard to learn to be honest. I am so much better than I used to be. But, still hard when it is a cold, hard truth that has consequences.


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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
It's not love styles .....it's definitions of romantic love ...not even sex. If your not "in love " with 2 people at the same time ...what then. You said you identify as poly. You certainly are living some sort of poly dynamic ...but the acid test for me is being "in love " with 2 or more. 2 highly passionate romantic relationship happening at the same time. Not old companion and hot lover.
Well, "old lover" is subjective too. I am sure there are plenty of people on here who have old lovers or partners they have been with for long periods of time that they have a certain level of comfort with, but may not feel that NRE feeling with. I do not think I would do well to have two new relationships going on with two NRE's. I think my head would explode. I am much more comfortable with having an established relationship as a basis and then a newer one to explore.



Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Does this apply to only sex ? If you mess around in the car you husband pays for (helps pay for ) ...or text on a phone thats covered by family plan to whose benefit does that go?
I dont see the correlation. My car. My phone. The idea that my husband would have a say about what happens in my car seems silly. He might have a say in what happens in relation to our relationship, but not about inanimate objects. Unless of course, we left a mess behind for him or the kids to find. Otherwise, I feel that is a nonissue.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
On a side note what did the therapist say on telling your daughter ?
That keeping secrets in a family takes its toll. Better to let her know something is going on, so she doesnt imagine what is happening. To remember that there are categories of information, public or family, private and confidential. Family is anything we can discuss openly, private would be things we choose to share or not share based on whether it is appropriate for her to know (such as who am I having sex with, that would be private information), and confidential is things we are not at liberty to discuss (because it is harmful to another, the information belongs to another, or it just not relevant to her at all). We will be doing that this week with her.
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Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... ~ Dori


Willow ~ 44yo bi woman, married to Bear (formerly known as TB) for 18 years
Bear-Maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
Armadillo (formerly known as BF) - currently out of the picture. Depression is evil...
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