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Old 08-27-2013, 12:53 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Sigh.

Quote:
I have been working very hard on the communications side of things. However, in the past it has always been me dealing with her problems not the other way around.
So it seems like a one-sided relationship. She does not meet your needs for support.

Quote:
Today she told me that she can definitely see my pain and can almost feel it. However she had always backed away from painful situations in the past as a survival mechanism. So she doesn't know what to do and my pain causing her pain makes her annoyed with me. To the point where she can't help me and leaves me to deal with things on my own.
So it seems like a one sided relationship, and she doesn't want to have to deal with anything "yucky." She does not meet your needs for support.

Quote:
I've mentioned some things to help start easing my pain, such as a hug to raise dopamine levels. But when she is annoyed with me she can't do that.
So she's not willing to meet your need when you ask directly. If her behavior is the cause of your pain, you could get out of the line of fire.

Quote:
To add insult to injury she had been focusing on her job and internship, which is good on the career side, but she admitted that it distracts her from thinking about relationship problems. Then she goes and gets her NRE fix with her boyfriend while I get little guy duty (meaning I have no car either during that time)and then the week starts over again.
So it seems like she's not willing deal with relationship problems. She's not willing to make a schedule for use of the car.

Basically it seems that she hasn't stated it yet like this:
"I am not willing to meet your needs. I am not willing to participate in the tending of our relationship."
Or she HAS and you have not accepted it/don't want to hear it. Which is why you might be writing things like this --

Quote:
The last several times I tried communicating without talking it out I've put my foot in my mouth and driven her away a bit. I can't let that happen again.
Point blank -- yes or no?
1) Have you directly asked her if she is willing to participate in the tending of your relationship and meet your needs? Yes/no?

2) Does her behavior match her words? Yes/no?

3) Have you directly asked her if she would prefer to break up? Yes/no? If yes, what was the answer? Yes/no?
I'm sorry you are going through this.

But if no matter what you do to try to connect with her results in no progress? 100% of your energy is only 50% of the fuel to run a relationship with her. If she's not putting in her energy? It's just not a two-sided relationship here.

Then you have to ask yourself if what you get back from her is enough return on your investment. It does not seem to be.

So.... could move it forward and have the talk you don't seem to want to have with her. "How do we best break up to make sure all people walk away mostly ok? Esp the kid?"

Could lean into conflict, and see it through rather than avoid dealing with it and go on letting it drag out.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-27-2013 at 01:15 PM.
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