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Old 08-26-2013, 08:50 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,515

Hey how was your weekend ? ...sorry I was away for a few days .

Strangely I get the not being ready part...there's the history, the kids , the upheaval ...nothing horribly wrong within the marriage.

How can you make the demotion , displacement and intrusion better when it hasn't really got going full speed. Meaning you have yet to have your desired relationship dynamic with your BF. You said you want it all ...unrestricted dates , sleepovers, split time, etc. etc
I DO want all that, sure. But in reality, BF cant give me those things right now anyway. He has a wife and kids himself, and obligations on his side that prevent those things from happening. But someday, yeah, that would be ideal.
The summer has been very challenging for us. With all the kids schedules, we have only been able to really see each other once every other week. Which is very different for the "school year" schedule, which is once or twice a week. But most of that time is family time with a toddler, not even adult time. For that, we rely on texting and an occasional date at night (maybe once a month if we are lucky).

TB, on the other hand, still gets to see me every day, sleep with me every night, spend quality time (when we can carve that out in between work and kids, etc..). He still often feels like he doesnt get enough of me, even though proportionately, he gets WAY MORE. This is part of my fundamental issue, and we have disparity in ow much is enough and how much is "too much"....
I'm not sure if you're aware of this but the topics of Demotion , displacement and intrusion are from the poly hell article which Gala has generously posted many times. If you or any of the others involved in this have not read that you might want to check it out.

As for the situation.... what you're saying is demotion has happened and he's feeling that ...displacement of sorts has happened or is happening more on an emotional level ...and as for time and attention or intrusion that really hasnt happened YET because the other wife is blocking that.

And as for the disparity of whats enough and whats too much .....I think an element with in that would be how that's tallied up and mindset during said activities. Even if you're with someone 100% of the time but you head and heart are not ...how would that be calculated ? Doing things out of obligation, pity or pacification demonstrates this point. Does it count ...not count ...count against ????

Someone wrote on another thread or blog about the possible negative "what if's." Have TB or you or BF thought about what those could be and how much weight they'd have or how much stress they'd cause. And or how those "what if's " play into the overall topics of Demotion, displacement and intrusion.

A few example might be that you get clearance from the tower ( bf's wife ) and you start a sexual relationship.... and it turns out to be so good/great that you lose all desire for TB.

Or as you work toward you goal of more integration into your life TB shuts down and withdraws.

Or TB with some new found time on his hands goes out to find another soul mate ...and the reverse happens his time and energy and desire flow elsewhere and because of the wife your's never gets off the ground.


A few days ago a friend said that in therapy she discovered that guilt was the motivating factor in trying to make her two relationships equal. In fact she over compensated in one relationship due to her feelings in the other...so it actually wasnt equal at all thus upsetting thing further.

Could guilt ...or a chunk of guilt be masked as this companiate love.
Guilt of having these feeling ..guilt of what it could do to the family, etc
Sure, I have thought of this. I have lots of guilt. Plenty to go around. That's why therapy should be beneficial.
I do think this was a motivating factor for taking a break from sexual activity with both guys. I needed to look at the situation as a whole. I was spending time with BF, building up all this sexual energy, and then not having an outlet for that. Bringing it home to TB was fun at first, but it started to feel icky, like I was giving him something that really belonged to BF and I. I did not like that. I am still trying to figure out whether that needs to be a boundary for me, not being sexual with TB after a date with BF. I want my sexual encounters to be genuine for each of them, and not just a way to expend energy, and not giving one person a "gift" that should have been given to someone else....
Have you explained this to both of them ? Was TB OK with having BF be sort of a fluffier for your relationship? Some people might reject such encounters for the same reason ....not being genuine. On the other hand I know guys that would care less ...take whats offered and be happy. ...win win Personally the spill over effect didnt happen for me ...meaning I rejected the pity/obligatory attempt.

So I/we (other posters) got the tone and gist right You recaptured the one that got away "a" soul mate ...and you have a long history ( marriage) and commitments (kids ) which constitutes a bond ..love. Or love like close relative ....something other than passion or "being in love "

When did you develop your theory on soul mates ?
Yes, TB and BF and I have had many conversations discussing how BF is the "one that got away". I tend to downplay that, myself. While I do think about what life would have been like had I made different choices, if BF had actually told me how he felt when he had the chance, the truth us we didnt make those choices. I dont believe in second guessing those kinds of things. I made the best choices I could at the time, with the information I had, and I have accomplished many wonderful things in my life. I can only go from here onward.
Why do you down play that ? Guilt ....Hurting TB feelings further ..(grinding salt in a fresh wound) or something different ?

As far as my "theory" on soulmates, well I suppose it has evolved over time. Many years ago (over 10) I read a book by Caroline Myss, Sacred Contracts. It resonated with me in a way that I needed at the time, seeking connections with others who come into your life, and the fact that they are there for a reason. Not some "Divine, prescribed" reason, but just that each person was an opportunity to learn and grow. Some of these people would be more important than others, help me in greater ways, and I would grow by leaps and bounds around them. Others are wonderful companions but may not have a significant impact on my life overall.

Much of the subject matter of her book was based on Jungian archetypes and made sense to me in making sense of the roles I was playing in different relationships, as well as the roles people were playing with me. If a person comes into my life, and impacts it in a significant way, such that my life is never the same again, well that person would be a "soul mate" to me. It may not fit other people's definitions, but it is a word or term that allows me to explain that person's significance in my life.
Funny but I'm actually familiar with her book ...I almost went to see her dog and pony show at one of the local hotels .....she seems like a tough old broad

So as the evolution on soul mates is happening was TB made aware of this yrs and yrs ago or does he learn this recently?

Thanks for continuing to ask questions for me to think about.

No problem ...my pleasure

Here's another question that just popped into my head. I didnt ask my wife this directly but it was sort of covered it in a discussion of wanting to the secondary partner. If you have these wildly different definitions of love ...is that then a poly relationship ? No one describes being in a poly relationship with a brother and a parent ...or 2 children . Loving more than 2. So if there is this huge passion disparity from one relationship to another ....room mate/brother vs lover.

I know that's super subjective ...but worth to kick around as a concept.

And just because you have the capacity to love that way doesn't actually mean you'll feel that way or act that way.

I really hope things work out for all ...all 7-9 or how many are involved ... D
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