Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #171  
Old 08-26-2013, 03:09 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,288
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
I think its kind of Luke "what would m think if n told ne all the nasty things she did to him" or the intimate details about her body etc. Or even embarrassing stuff
As an adult, it is important to respect the independent nature of peoples lives and the fact that not everyone wants their squishy fart noises shared with strangers at dinner parties. Adult humans with fully functional brains should be able to get that... it's just part of being a social human in the modern age.

My assertion is that, if I don't trust someone with my details then there is a *reason* for that. Like, I trust that IV won't share "embarrassing stuff" about me with someone who is going to use it against me or harm me with it. The issue is not that she knows "embarrassing stuff" or that she even tells someone about it... the reality of the thing is that I become concerned if it is likely to come back to haunt me. I trust that, if she thought CV might make fun of me for something that she wouldn't share that particular detail with him.

(I know her well enough to actually have some idea of who she is)

The detail itself isn't precious, it's when it is shared chaotically that it becomes an issue. If I *didn't* trust IV to be courteous with my feelings then that is a good reason not to share intimate experiences with her.

That means she would be either a stranger, or someone I know to be a bumbling idiot. In either case... why exactly would I be physically vulnerable with her in the first place?
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #172  
Old 08-26-2013, 08:37 AM
Emm's Avatar
Emm Emm is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 717
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
So "our sex life is to be held as our dirty little secret or we aren't having it"? What were you so afraid of? Were they going to publish your sexlife on the internet? Were they going to go to your kids school and tell the teachers? Were they going to discuss their new intimate sexual partner with their current intimate sexual partner?

Is your sex life really so illicit and depraved that it needs to be kept under lock and key?
It's not a dirty little secret, it's simply nobody else's business. Just as I don't go around telling everyone how much I earn or the contents of my latest bowel movement, nobody needs to know if I give a good blow job or make squeaky chipmunk noises in the heat of the moment unless they're the one with me at the time. Privacy and secrecy are two very different things, no matter how hard you try to conflate them.
Reply With Quote
  #173  
Old 08-26-2013, 12:40 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 364
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vexxed View Post
I still think the thing to go by is basing the decision on what people involved are comfortable with. If detail sharing is ok, then enjoy it. If just broad general questions or ok, then enjoy that. I wouldn't worry about what's the norm for other peoples relationships. It's all about respecting the boundaries of the people directly in the situation. That's it.
Vexxed, but its kind of funny that this was your comment in response to Nudge, cause he is in involved in a relationship with me. lol. Im made this post originally cause Im just curious about other people. I tend to share a lot and ask questions a lot, but unless the other person is super uncomfortable i think tis ok to break someone out of their comfort zone a little.
__________________
keep on keeping on
Reply With Quote
  #174  
Old 08-26-2013, 01:18 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
Vexxed, but its kind of funny that this was your comment in response to Nudge, cause he is in involved in a relationship with me. lol. Im made this post originally cause Im just curious about other people. I tend to share a lot and ask questions a lot, but unless the other person is super uncomfortable i think tis ok to break someone out of their comfort zone a little.
That's a very risky premise to live by because "super uncomfortable" and "a little" are subjective terms. Your intention to "break someone out of their comfort zone a little" could actually become an oppressive form of coercion that dismisses someone's needs and choices, inevitably making them and consequently, your relationship, deeply unhappy.
Reply With Quote
  #175  
Old 08-26-2013, 06:19 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 364
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
That's a very risky premise to live by because "super uncomfortable" and "a little" are subjective terms. Your intention to "break someone out of their comfort zone a little" could actually become an oppressive form of coercion that dismisses someone's needs and choices, inevitably making them and consequently, your relationship, deeply unhappy.
London, well i meant it as a form of discussion...if I might be pushing my boyfriend for discussion a little, he can tell he hes uncomfortable and tell me to stop and i'll listen, maybe he doesnt mind going outside his comfort zone a little but he'd have to tell me if i was doing something that was harming our relationship (likewise for my spouse)
__________________
keep on keeping on
Reply With Quote
  #176  
Old 08-27-2013, 07:35 PM
Nudge's Avatar
Nudge Nudge is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 27
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
That's a very risky premise to live by because "super uncomfortable" and "a little" are subjective terms. Your intention to "break someone out of their comfort zone a little" could actually become an oppressive form of coercion that dismisses someone's needs and choices, inevitably making them and consequently, your relationship, deeply unhappy.
London-- as one of the related parties, I can vouch for a lack of coercion from gorgeouskitten. I also can push back-- and do, on occasion.
Reply With Quote
  #177  
Old 08-30-2013, 12:33 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 364
Default

My therapist (doesnt everybody have one?) asked if i really NEED to know when my other partners have sex. Interesting question.
__________________
keep on keeping on
Reply With Quote
  #178  
Old 08-30-2013, 02:46 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,288
Default

I've been following this thread and thought I would pop in with what has worked for Whip and I so far.

I have less need/want to know about our sexual interactions with other partners than Whip does. He would tell me every little detail if I wanted. (He's definitely an exhibitionist and a voyeur.) And he would not mind at all if I tell him all my naughty details about sex with other people. (Although this not been tested much as I have found only one other person I wanted to be with and that fizzled.)

But I do not like knowing the details because I start playing the comparison game in my head. Well, if he did this-n-that with her, maybe he doesn't like it as much with me? She's younger than me, maybe he prefers that? She is wayyyy more submissive than me - maybe that is what he wants *really*. It is utterly irrational and unconnected with reality. What he does sexually with one partner does not impact us - except maybe as food for thought, for experimentation. If he wanted to only date younger (than me) women, he would. If he wanted a woman who is only submissive, then he would date someone like that. And he is not responsible for my little hamster wheel comparison game.

I find that not knowing details really helps to not play the comparison game. Eventually I may get to the point of details don't bother me but I am not there yet.

So what do we tell each other? We have agreed that 1) wherever possible, give a heads up if someone appears on the horizon as a possible partner. 1a) If a play partner or friend becomes a sexual partner, let the other know - this does not need to be done beforehand but is nice when possible. 2) We don't have a veto over partners but expect our opinions about potential partners to be considered. 3) If the relationship changes or evolves with someone else - for example a play partner may evolve in a FWB, or something more serious - please give a heads up to the other partner. And finally, 4) if fun was had. We do want to know if the other has had a good time.

So I do want to know if someone Whip is interacting with has become a sexual partner, but I do not want to know every time they have sex or what they did exactly.
Reply With Quote
  #179  
Old 08-30-2013, 03:06 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,288
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
I tend to share a lot and ask questions a lot, but unless the other person is super uncomfortable i think tis ok to break someone out of their comfort zone a little.
You obviously trust your partners to tell you when you've gone too far and that is a good thing. And nothing wrong with sharing or being curious.

But it is not ok to push others boundaries, even a little, even if no harm is meant. Breaking past someone's comfort zone is boundary pushing.

Not everyone is capable of or comfortable with telling people to mind their own business, or to back off, or just a 'I'm not comfortable discussing that.'

You've probably unintentionally made some people very uncomfortable. If they are not capable or willing to tell you 'no, I'm not talking about that', then they are not going to tell you they are uncomfortable and they may also hide their physical reactions of discomfort. Plus, super uncomfortable for you may not match what super uncomfortable is for them. Even if you are good at reading body language, you may miss signals, especially if you don't know someone well. Long story short, you may not be able to tell if they are uncomfortable.

Plus, bluntly, sharing and curiosity is not an acceptable excuse to make people even slightly uncomfortable. Your want to know does not trump their need for privacy and comfort.

I also want to know how other people experience the world, and that includes sexuality. I love talking about sexuality with others. But there are ways to ask that give even the shyest, mildest person imaginable an out if they don't want to go there. Instead of pushing others boundaries, learn to invite them to share with you. There is a profound and important difference.
Reply With Quote
  #180  
Old 08-31-2013, 03:47 PM
HappyCouple75 HappyCouple75 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 10
Smile

Quote:
Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
So...a lot of you have read my posts before, but now my BF has an account on here so its a little different for me. lol. Im just curious about how other people handle the sharing of sexual information. For me, I like to know what my partners are into with their other partners..maybe not detailed accounts of specific 'sessions' (though my spouse and i discuss that sometimes to some extent) but i like to know what kind of things they are into, or what kinds of acts are performed if its something new etc. Im prone to be like, "was it good?" or ask follow up if its mentioned something new was introduced.
I suppose this is personal preference, no one HAS to share. But if you have different views on it, like it unsettles me not to know, how do you deal with that?
If you dont share how else can the bring home new thing to spice up your own sex life...To me that is a bonus
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boundaries, comminication, communication, compassion, dadt, empathy, honesty, metamour, metamours, overshare, privacy, secrecy, sex talk, sharing information

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:36 AM.