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  #271  
Old 08-25-2013, 07:00 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Murf didn't meet Butch until 6 months into our relationship.

I personally could not deal with my husband requiring to meet my potential dates. He is nor the one dating them. Now if they will be meeting my kids that is a different story.
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  #272  
Old 08-25-2013, 09:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Murf didn't meet Butch until 6 months into our relationship.

I personally could not deal with my husband requiring to meet my potential dates. He is nor the one dating them. Now if they will be meeting my kids that is a different story.
When did you tell Butch about Murf?

I am more relaxed about this so when DH has a date, I don't really see myself needing to meet her. Depending on how I feel, right now I don't see any reason why DH would need to meet M. He says he wants me to be "safe" but I'm a big girl and not our teen daughter on her first date.

I'm thinking DH is (why not to discuss in the morning) having issues with control more than anything else. It appears we need more discussion so I can feel comfortable setting up a date to meet M.
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  #273  
Old 08-25-2013, 09:12 PM
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He knew about him from the get go.

My husband gets no say in my relationship with Murf. Unless it effects our kids or him financially. I am a big girl and don't need my husband marking his territory.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
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Last edited by Dagferi; 08-25-2013 at 09:15 PM.
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  #274  
Old 08-25-2013, 09:36 PM
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I just started out as poly recently myself. My new relationship is shy of 2 weeks old, so I am coming from a place of NRE.

My guy and I decided to make our fourth lunch date include my husband, and then hubby went back to work while we spent the rest of the day snuggling at the park. I met his wife yesterday. So, it has been quick for us, but he thought it was important so we both knew that the other wasn't cheating. That said, both of our partners are feeling extreme compersion and just as much happiness, so they were open to meet us. If my DH had been struggling with fear and jealousy, I don't think I would have done introductions so quickly.

We don't have any rules - neither spouse has veto power, so it was all good.
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  #275  
Old 08-25-2013, 10:48 PM
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After comments and what I felt inside (he's working today) I sent him a text asking if we still need more discussions, am I not meeting any of his current needs, that our relationship with PR is just sex (not an emotional relationship) and it seems like he's not emotionally ready yet for me to meet some one, and that the whole when do I meet M felt like a control issue.

He called me back to discuss and basically (rule #1) don't bring any thing up in the morning. Mid day is probably best. This is where I let him know when I end up sitting on a subject, it puts me into a position of feeling like I'm not being upfront, but as long as he is okay with me waiting to discuss when he's in an awake mind frame, then I can wait. The whole meeting thing was more long-term, if it goes further and if activities with M are done with the kids, etc.

Glad this was figured out quickly. Oh I hope the word "veto" in my house will only be heard from the TV when Big Brother is on.

thanks for the replies and it looks like i'm having a date early Wednesday evening with M.
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  #276  
Old 08-26-2013, 02:19 AM
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I tell n anytime I'm talking to anyone. We both enjoy telling each other about the people we talk to. We go and meet people whenever we feel like it. I wouldn't introduce n to people unless I really plan on seeing them long term on either romantic or friendship level. Neither of us have any jealousy issues and dont expect to meet anyone
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  #277  
Old 08-26-2013, 03:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alibabe_muse View Post
So what I am asking is those who have a thought on this: how soon after the first date, if there is a second, do you introduce a potential interest to your current partners?
I think of my romantic partners with the same courtesy and priority assignment as I do my good friends.

If I meet a new buddy, we hang out, enjoy each others company and I want to introduce him to some of my other crew... I see if he wants to join us for some kind of future get together. My friends would never DREAM of telling me when I need to introduce my new friend. We are all adults in which none of us claim any ownership of each others lives.

So my approach to the situation would be "do they want to meet my partner?" If the answer is "yes" then I try to arrange a meeting for us that would be fun for everyone, if the answer is "no" then I do not.
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  #278  
Old 08-26-2013, 04:07 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I don't meet any new potential partners without taking along one of my current partners.
For me; there's the safety if I were to meet someone online (which has only happened once) &
there is the ensuring that the new person KNOWS without a doubt that when I say I am HAPPILY involved with two men-I mean HAPPILY and that it isn't a "sneaky fuck behind the wall" thing or a "maybe she'll leave if I'm good enough" situation either.

It has evolved into a boundary because it's how I am-and they've taken that on for themselves as well. But it was always that way for me (I was in open relationships prior to marrying Maca).

I always ensure that anyone I start talking to knows within minutes about both Maca and GG. I always ensure that Maca and GG knows about the other person the same day.
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  #279  
Old 08-26-2013, 04:30 AM
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Quote:
but he had a bad night at work so the timing didn't feel right. But not telling him right away made me feel like I was hiding something even though I was just waiting for the right moment.
This is an important part of the answer to your question - I think. When in doubt, we do our best.

It's not always easy to say things straight away. If you don't have clear rules around this, then - as you did - you make the best call you can (and sometimes get it wrong).

I feel very grateful that my partners trust me to say things on a 'need to know' basis. We have a culture of sharing (but not over-sharing) but we also don't have many specific requirements as each situation has its unique aspects!

Clearly one concern here is whether you are "hiding" or "being secretive"... well, are you? In this case, sounds like you weren't. Does your husband trust that you have good intentions, and do not buy into hiding/secrecy? Then, if anything SEEMS like it is 'secretive', he can also KNOW that it is not. And you can go forward together on that basis.

I would consider that level of trust minimal for me to roll a healthy non-monogamy with anyone.

As for whether you should have rules/not, that's obviously nothing anyone else can say. It will be whatever works for youru and your partners. Whatever you need to navigate this stuff Good luck!
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  #280  
Old 08-26-2013, 06:08 AM
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Gralson and I don't have any boundaries about when we meet other people. When I started dating Auto, Gralson was working out of town a lot, so there really wasn't an opportunity for them to meet until Auto and I had been dating for a couple months.

On the flip side, Auto and her husband have a policy that he gets to meet her new dating partners before any "sexy time" happens.

Auto and I have a very uncomplicated relationship. We've never talked about meeting new partners, but we always seem to work things out pretty easily, so we would play it by ear.

For me, it would feel presumptuous to arrange a "meet my other partners" before I knew the relationship was actually going somewhere. Conversely, if someone insisted I meet their spouse before the second date, it would feel like they're expecting something out of me and the relationship. That kind of pressure turns me off and I would probably choose not to see them a second time.

To me, a "rule" about when to meet other partners is weird. Every person, relationship, and situation is different. How could you have a one-size-fits-all response? I might meet one person and be unsure how I feel about them, so I would want a second date to get a better picture. Someone else, it might be instant chemistry, and I would want them to meet everyone asap so that I can get their impressions before plowing full steam ahead. So the most reasonable approach is "after you know there's something there, but before it gets too serious." But that's kinda wishy-washy for a "rule."
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