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  #11  
Old 08-25-2013, 05:39 PM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Glenn View Post

I really feel my problem is poor self image about my physical appearance, like I know that I am fun and interesting, but I often don't think I am attractive to others, like my wife thinks I am attractive, and that's good, but I find it hard to fold it into the reality everywhere.
I was wondering if your anxiety was more about "getting it up", as many of the people replying seem to have though, or about your looks (your perception), or your skills in bed.

I sympathize with you. My looks is something that I worry about only slightly, but more often I feel pretty down about my skills in bed, or the ability to build up tension before getting in bed. Then, I feel anxiety about having sex.

I wish that I had more to say at the moment. I got counselling and took a self esteem class. It helped, but my partner (I'm a secondary) is in NRE with someone new, and my gains in confidence that I had made or loosing strength.

Again, I sure do sympathize with you. I just bought a book that focuses on giving pleasure without the use of the penis (though penetration is used). Maybe reading such a book would be helpful to you as well.
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  #12  
Old 08-26-2013, 02:11 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vexxed View Post
I was wondering if your anxiety was more about "getting it up", as many of the people replying seem to have though, or about your looks (your perception), or your skills in bed.
Glenn clarified later in the thread that he was in fact talking about not being able to "get it up".

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Originally Posted by Glenn View Post
Well my wife is fine when it does happen, which occasionally occurs for a phase. And while I have no doubt that L will be totally fine as well, it just is bothersome and frustrating as she's really hot and I can't sport an erection . . .
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vexxed View Post
Again, I sure do sympathize with you. I just bought a book that focuses on giving pleasure without the use of the penis (though penetration is used). Maybe reading such a book would be helpful to you as well.
If the issue is "I can't seem to give someone enjoyment in bed" then it would make sense to define the solution as learning better technique for giving pleasure.

If the issue is "I am insecure for various reasons, causing me to have performance anxiety which sometimes results in limp-dick" then it would make sense to define the solution as learning to concentrate on having a good time instead of focusing on "performance" or "an erection".

I identify these as two distinct issues, though the solution is similar... "have fun, people like fooling around with people who are enjoying themselves"
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  #13  
Old 09-01-2013, 02:26 AM
JacobJT JacobJT is offline
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Check out the "sexual performance anxiety" program on this page.

http://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/sexual-problems

Check out the audio talk linked in the article here:

http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/jo...mance-anxiety/

Google "overcoming sexual performance anxiety" and feast on some of the articles you'll find. Sometimes reading about these things can cause a little bit of anxiety but that's pretty natural when confronting an uncomfortable issue.

I've had this issue with new partners and sometimes it reoccurs later on when the relationship is under pressure or intimate time is scarce. I've tried the pills and supps and have found them helpful from time to time, but they can also undermine me by allowing me to convince myself that there's something physically wrong with me when in fact it's all in my head. Lately I've opened up my current partner to an awareness of this issue by talking and sharing some articles. I find that this is helpful. With the issue out on the table and in the open I can start coming back to focusing on physical pleasure instead of living in my head.

Honestly the hypnosis download above for sexual performance anxiety, as well as the audio talk, have both been very helpful to me. I noticed they also had programs for sexual self image and other issues. Might be something to look into as well!

Good luck! It's a b*tch of a problem, but putting the work in is worth it. Also there's some truth to abusing porn and desensitizing yourself through 'rough handling'. If that's an issue you may want to consider taking a break from those things. Also look up supplementation with L-Arginine/Citrulline combined with Pycnogenol. If you have any minor problems with NO levels this combo can help and provide some extra oomph and self confidence. Just make sure if you try them to cycle them over time, don't stay on em daily without breaks over the course of weeks/months.
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  #14  
Old 09-07-2013, 05:53 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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I have this problem from time to time, and the last couple of times I have been with my new fling, it has taken some time to get as hard as I would like for intercourse. The funny part is that the following morning, back with my wife, I have no issue at all! The hot dynamic, and my wife being turned on really get me going.

It's all in my head...Which gives me peace of mind in that I don't have a medical concern.

It is nice that my new lover loves to explore various positions for oral. For me it is about mental imagery and if my lover is open to variation, that seems to get me going. It is all about losing yourself in the moment. The more I think about it, the worse the problem gets...

It is nice to see a discussion around this.
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  #15  
Old 09-07-2013, 11:00 PM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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I got over my issue. I did you some Cialis assistance but I probably wouldn't have needed it. For me it's just being able to be comfortable enough with a partner that doubts don't sneak into my head. That and just being really into her.
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  #16  
Old 09-09-2013, 10:41 PM
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Spokanepoly Spokanepoly is offline
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Ive gotta chime in here cause this is an issue im currently having. I have a new GF and a wife and the first time I was with the GF a few weeks ago, I couldn't get hard even though I was really excited to be with her.... then it happened again and now its happening with my wife as well. I am inclined to think that it failing the first, got in my head and now I cant stop thinking about it and its snowballing. I am not sure how to turn it around right now, im trying to be in the moment lol but the fear of not being able to get or stay hard is still there and then .... nothing happens.... wife is supportive and is fine with my issue and is wiling to keep trying to help me solve it lol. GF is also supportive.

I can tell you that my ego is taking a real bruising over this
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  #17  
Old 09-10-2013, 02:31 PM
JacobJT JacobJT is offline
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There is no doubt that the ego of most men takes a real bruising over this. I can certainly say it was/is true for me, it screwed with my head in the extreme and made a lot of days and nights quite miserable. I don't think our partners really often understand how troubling this is to us, that it's not just an 'in-the-moment' experience, but something that preoccupies us and pervades our days (part of the problem). Our ideas of manhood get all wrapped up in there and just make the problem worse, no doubt.

Here are a couple of great articles that I've shared with my partner that were helpful for her to understand:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alexan...b_1515526.html

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/mou...es-hot-hes-not

Honestly the audio programs above, especially the hypnosis one, are really very helpful. They describe a bit about how anxiety and fear work, and how they are designed for fight or flight. In fear our body shuts down all kinds of systems, hormone production, digestion, sexual function, etc. This is because in a fight or flight situation we don't need to eat or f*ck or whatever (this is why we can get dry mouth in moments of shock/fear, digestion is being turned off). These responses are shut down to provide the maximum amount of available energy for the danger that we need to respond to (hungry lion approaching). But when we use our imagination to create fear and anxiety around a situation that's not actually threatening, or should be pleasurable, we start to create an unhealthy relationship to a situation which need not cause fear/anxiety. And it goes on through a couple of visualization exercises, etc.

For me it really has been about relaxing and coming back to a pleasure centric focus. I still struggle with the anxiety part, the preoccupation with an upcoming event not in the present i.e. date night, knowing we have intimate time planned etc. But I've been really grateful to have begun letting go of the in-the-moment fear at the time of the event. I think part of the road for me has been accepting that it's ok to experience the anxiety during the day. That I don't need to dwell on it, but that it doesn't necessarily have to 'mean something' if I have some flashes of it.

I still have needed a little extra help getting going in the bedroom from time to time, but once I'm in pleasure mode things seem to be going much more smoothly! But I have to continue to remember that I tend to be an obsessive person and that if I start allowing myself to have a mentally unhealthy relationship to thoughts of sex in my head that this problem can return, but that it need not be a problem if I continue to cultivate a more healthy attitude in relationship to my thoughts and feelings about sex.

Last edited by JacobJT; 09-10-2013 at 02:33 PM.
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