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  #1  
Old 02-17-2010, 09:17 PM
jillb069 jillb069 is offline
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Default I lost my girl

I was with two girls, one of which I was monogamous with until I came out. Too make a long story short, I came out by cheating pretty much. Then after a few days of fighting and crying we came to an agreement to be in an open-relationship. I started seeing both girls, we'll call them Jealous and Cool.
Jealous started coming around. Once in while something would bother Jealous and we would talk about it. It usually had something to do with something that Cool said or did, something so minor I could tell it was out of pure jealousy. I gave her so many chances to come around because I love her so much. Then Jealous started calling and texting Cool telling her when she can and cannot see me. Basically she started dictating my relationship with Cool and it was interfering with Cool and I. So I dumped Jealous, and it just happened to be on Valentines Day.
I was upstairs with Cool, and on our way downstairs into the living room where my brother was, we see Jealous storm through the door without knocking and she shoved a Valentines Day teddy at me and a card. I asked her nicely to please leave because she is not invited here. She started yelling in my face and became borderline violent. I got control of her by holding her arms down and pushing her slowly towards the door. She started fighting back at me and I started to say "call the police," before this turns into a blood bath. When my brother went to call the cops she grabbed the phone from him and cut him with her nails. Finally we said screw calling the cops and pushed out of the house and bolted the door shut. I am having a hard time dealing with how psycho my friend became. I'm shocked. I had to let her go, now I'm grieving. But I still got my tother girl, I'm thankful for her but I feel like I lost my best friend.
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  #2  
Old 02-17-2010, 10:05 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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My take is that Jealous never wanted an open-relationship but tried to hold on to some aspect of you in anyway she could. She denied her nature and became extremely unhealthy.

She might have appeared psycho but this is probably the result of a buliding broken heart and a lack of support to deal with it.

I feel for both of you.

Mono
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Old 02-18-2010, 09:31 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Oh my, where to start...?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jillb069 View Post
I was with two girls, one of which I was monogamous with until I came out.
If you were with two girls, then you weren't monogamous. It doesn't count as monogamous if you're just lying about being with someone else...


Quote:
Originally Posted by jillb069 View Post
I came out by cheating pretty much
Cheating is cheating, not polyamory. I'll assume you mean "came out as polyamorous" but that would require you to be open and honest with your partner before sleeping with some other gal... You're really lucky that mono's a nice guy, because you sure won't get any "there there, you poor thing" support from me...

Quote:
I started seeing both girls, we'll call them Jealous and Cool.
How about we call them Heartbroken and OtherWoman?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jillb069 View Post
we came to an agreement to be in an open-relationship.
"I told her that if she wanted to be with me, she would have to accept that I was going to be with other women. She didn't like it, but I was so smooth that she succumbed to my demands."

Quote:
Originally Posted by jillb069 View Post
I gave her so many chances to come around because I love her so much.
Did your "many chances" include being exclusive with her until she had time to become comfortable with the idea of polyamory, or were your chances just you "allowing" her to feel jealous while tapping your foot waiting for her to "get over it?"

Quote:
Originally Posted by jillb069 View Post
Then Jealous started calling and texting Cool telling her when she can and cannot see me. Basically she started dictating my relationship with Cool and it was interfering with Cool and I.
I can understand how this would frustrate you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jillb069 View Post
So I dumped Jealous, and it just happened to be on Valentines Day.
It never fails to amaze me how many people can be mean enough to do this! Sure, it's a silly holiday, but lots of us chicks take it very seriously, and that's just not cool, man! You really couldn't wait a day or two? You'd already strung her along that far, what's one more day of pretending to care about her feelings??

Quote:
Originally Posted by jillb069 View Post
She started yelling in my face and became borderline violent. I got control of her by holding her arms down and pushing her slowly towards the door. She started fighting back at me and I started to say "call the police," before this turns into a blood bath. When my brother went to call the cops she grabbed the phone from him and cut him with her nails. Finally we said screw calling the cops and pushed out of the house and bolted the door shut. I am having a hard time dealing with how psycho my friend became. I'm shocked. I had to let her go, now I'm grieving. But I still got my tother girl, I'm thankful for her but I feel like I lost my best friend.
The only thing I will grant you is that she did overreact. It would have been much healthier to get together with her girlfriends and vent about how you hurt her first by cheating on her, then forcing her to let you sleep around, and finally dumping her on Valentine's day because she couldn't wrap her head around the idea.

When a poly person introduces the notion to their monogamous partner, they need to respect their feelings and give them time, while being exclusive to them, to get used to the idea. If it seems like they're never going to come around, then you have a responsibility to end the relationship with them before engaging in another relationship. Failing to do so makes you the same as any other cheater and just isn't cool.
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 02-18-2010 at 04:50 PM.
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Old 02-18-2010, 05:13 PM
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Some points were brought to my attention in PM and I just want to clarify myself a little now that my anger has subsided.

What I saw in your post was one short sentence about "coming out" and "after days of fighting and crying we came to an agreement" followed by a huge paragraph about how poorly she handled the situation that she was forced into.

I really felt that you were taking no responsibility in the situation and putting all the blame on her reaction.

It upsets me greatly when people use polyamory as a shield for being allowed to cheat. A few days is hardly enough time for a monogamous person to come around to the idea, especially when you're still seeing the other person the whole time. And it outright angers me when cheaters expect polys to support their dishonesty and betrayal.

I do admit that I came off a little too harshly, but what you did to that girl is flat-out cruel. So for you to come here acting like it was all her fault, really rubs me the wrong way.
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Old 02-18-2010, 06:33 PM
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I'm with you Cat, this did not allow your "monogamous" girlfriend time to deal with the situation. I feel for the girl that you heartlessly dumped on Valentine's Day. Yes she overreacted but you treated her in a very unfeeling and disrespectful manner. First you CHEAT on her, then you tell her that she has to get used to it and then you dump her on a day that many women think is the most romantic day of the year? how did you expect her to react??

Did you give her support when she was feeling jealous and try to help her work through her jealousy? this woman was feeling insecure and used in your relationship (I am assuming this as I don't know the whole situation) and felt like she wasn't getting any support from a person who she thought was a support in her life. She lost it. She cares about you and didn't want to lose you but it sounds like she had no way of telling you that without you thinking that she was being irrationally jealous. Next time you do this to someone, and they tell you that they are feeling jealous, give them some time and support to accept those feelings. Jealousy is a normal human reaction to feelings of insecurity, people are going to feel it, please don't demonize this girl because you didn't support her.
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Old 02-19-2010, 01:09 AM
jillb069 jillb069 is offline
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I'm sorry to everyone I offended. I was just telling a story. Telling me I am mean and heartless is not supportive and is counterproductive to the reason why I signed up to this forum. Therefore I must be in the wrong place. Goodbye, and sorry again.
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Old 02-19-2010, 07:38 AM
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Were you truly looking for support, or, was it just for sympathy? The way you described the situation, sounded like you feel innocent in all of this ... the victim of an ex-gf that wouldn't accept your sudden changes and went crazy on you. It really didn't sound like you felt responsible in any way. I think that is what the few people who posted before me were trying to get at.... Do you realize and take responsibility for the part that you played in your situation?

The reality is, if the girl became a monster ... it was one that you helped create. Im not being judgemental when I say this, just trying to help. I think the only way you would understand how she reacted is to put yourself in her shoes. If you truly love her, she needs to know you cared about her feelings, and see you are sensitive to her needs and not only your own. Giving her no choice but to go along with your wishes would cause resentment. Naturally, if it was building up in her she would start seeming a bit "psycho". Further adding to her pain was that she was dumped and alienated. Did it occur that maybe she reacted out of sheer pain? She must have loved you alot, to even agree to let you have the other girlfriend even after the cheating, and to try to go along with your wishes. She was willing to try, even if it wasnt what she really wanted, if it meant not losing your love. That says alot. Yes, you lost... alot.
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Old 02-19-2010, 08:32 AM
jillb069 jillb069 is offline
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Actually yeah I do feel guilty and sad. Don't let the solid tin chest fool ya, there's big heart somewhere in there. I wrote the post after the explosion occurred and was still a little shocked with it, plus there was a funeral going on in my family and her family. Both deaths were from old age and not surprising but still a lot to take. I'll call her a more endearing name this time, Cadence is beautiful girl and I love her very much. I miss looking into those gorgeous, blue eyes and telling her I love her. I love her enough to let her go. She may be devastated now, but I think in time she will realize that I can't be what she wants me to be no matter how much I love her. I know that cheating is wrong and when I cheated I was a stupid and lost little girl. I'm still stupid and lost but not stupid enough not to realize that keeping Cadence was preventing me from finding my path. I learned from my mistakes. And to answer the question about was I looking for sympathy or support? Both kind of. I was more looking for a similar story. Out of all the members on this site, I cannot be the only one who has cheated. Call me cruel but we're not all perfect. Someone else reading this thread has hurt somebody in some way and has learned from that experience. No? Then I'm really in the wrong place.
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Old 02-19-2010, 08:42 AM
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I'm really happy to hear you say that.

Anybody can screw up and make a devastating mistake. It takes a lot of courage to admit it and take responsibility.

The most important thing here is what you've learned from this experience.

No, you're definitely not the only polyamorous person who realized what they were by cheating. Of course, as you know, it's about the worst way to come in to it, but now that you're here and what's done is done, you can find a better way to do it next time.
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Old 02-19-2010, 03:10 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jillb069 View Post
I know that cheating is wrong and when I cheated I was a stupid and lost little girl.

Out of all the members on this site, I cannot be the only one who has cheated.
Hi Jill,

Well - I hope you don't abandon the forum - or other similar sites that shed light on complexities of polyamory.

Because you are absolutely right - many or even most - who knows, of people living happy poly lives may have 'cheated' (by definition) at some point and likely for the same reason you did.

Because you didn't have sufficient knowledge to do otherwise. You're young, new to love in general, inexperienced at navigating it, and caught in a culture of "me first - right NOW"

So if you do believe that polyamory may be the right fit for you, take this one experience to heart, learn it has nothing what-so-ever to do with poly (the way it played out) and start studying & thinking.

And you will find there's lots of great people more than willing to help you sort it all out for yourself by sharing their experiences and perspectives.

Reach out - don't shut out

GS
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