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Old 08-13-2013, 08:52 AM
InsaneMystic InsaneMystic is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Do you actually do that, though? Man, is that ever cumbersome. I can't even begin to imagine replacing "my friend" with "this person who is friends with me" on a regular basis. Humans are lazy, and that usually means saying things the quickest way possible. That's why people constantly end sentences with prepositions. "The man to whom I'm married" is like 3 times as many words as "my husband." That's just inefficient!
Use it as introduction, then switch to just using their name. The cumbersomeness is a one-time-only deal if done right.

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
As a side note, I'm pretty certain my mom would be mortified if I started referring to her as "the woman who is in a mother-daughter relationship with me." In fact, to me, that whole approach seems to actually take away from the connectedness. My husband is no longer special, he's just some guy who happens to have his name listed on the same marriage certificate as mine.
I guess it's just me, but I kinda go squee at both of these, lol!

And yes, I've actually used "Rg., the woman who has born me" a bunch of times instead of "my mother", and addressed her with her first name herself, too, in the last years of her life. I've only become comfier with using the M-word again now that she's dead, as there's no risk anymore I could be detracting from both of our (hard-won) independence that way.
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Old 08-13-2013, 01:25 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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These names we use, these titles really, are important. So however someone wants to use them, I think, should be respected. Yes, hubby and I say Wife or Hubby instead of 'my' now. We dropped the possessive while we were in the beginnings of poly and learning to get our own mind around the differences between choosing to be together and owning. Now it's a title. Capital letter W Wife. Capital letter H Hubby.

However, what we call people differs on the people. My mother, for example. I often slip and refer to her simply as Nana. Why? We decided the kids would call her nana as soon as we found out we were having kids. She was never a mother, (unless Mommie Dearest counts), so she doesn't get the term GRANDmother. You need to be a mother before you get grand. My mother in law who for a few short years was more of a mother to me is grandmother, my grandmother who helped raise me and took me in was the bousha. (Polish I think? It's what we grew up calling her as well.)

So the names are important, they are like titles you are given/earn. For some, things like Husband, Mother, Father, Friend, are important and so they use them and use MY to show that title was actually earned. For others My Friend, is a simple way of saying it's someone I know and don't despise.

So I dont' really think the MY is necessarily ownership, it may just be part of the title!
Me: 40 pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 21 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +9 years/former
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Old 08-13-2013, 07:29 PM
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Nudge Nudge is offline
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Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
however someone wants to use them, I think, should be respected.

I have friends (though I wouldn't say I possess them) who prefer to utilize the pronoun 'ou.' It would be unfair to refer to ou in any other way. If a spouse is comfortable being refered to as 'your spouse' then just do what you're comfortable with. If not, respect his/her/ou choice.

Also, there is always a tension in language as it evolves. The choice that's 'wrong' may still be 'normal.' Don't sweat it too much. Respect is mostly in what you do, not so much the individual words you use.
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Old 08-14-2013, 03:39 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I roll my eyes at stuff like this. I do not own anyone, and it should not matter what I refer to them as. If I want to refer to my husband as DH, his given name, Mr. this/that, my Aussie Adonis, or whatever, it has nothing to do with owning him or even the next person. OP, I am wondering why that person cares how you refer to someone? Your choice should be respected.

In the case of my DH, that is who he is in relation to me. IDGAF about assumptions. It is simply reverence to our commitment, marriage, and his role in my life. I am not going all out of the way to refer to him as that man that I married back in '02 or that dude I married and had children with. It lessens what makes him unique and special to me and lumps him with random people who do not mean anything to me. Do I call him my DH to people who know him? No, I refer to him by his name. To strangers or acquaintances who may not remember his name, my husband, x, suffices.

For the record, I do the same thing with my mum, my daddy, and my siblings. (Just did it.) I have four siblings, and we all add the "my" in front of mum/daddy.
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Old 08-14-2013, 07:34 AM
london london is offline
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Location: UK - land of the free
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Yes, hubby and I say Wife or Hubby instead of 'my' now
DH: My husband of 17 yrs and father of children.
This is just an example of why this just isn't feasible. There is no way to be consistent.
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Old 08-14-2013, 10:46 AM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Musing about this thread this morning over coffee and wondering if it's maybe not the "My" that implies possessiveness to people, but the role.

"Mother" would never imply a possessive relationship. It would be absurd to argue with siblings that, no, she's MY mother (despite the emphasis on the "my"). And it would be absurd for other people to claim that she is their mother, unless there is some close motherly relationship there (although most people will say in those cases that she is "like a mother to me").

"Friend" is another similar term, although you do get the "but she's MY friend" people from time to time (had that in college once - had to stifle the WTF hard, since it was my roommate who pulled that).

Husband/wife (or BF/GF, partner, etc.) *can* indicate possessiveness for those who are inclined to do so. And if you believe that the role (wife, for example) dictates that you have authority over her as "husband", then it doesn't matter how you string the words together - when someone talks about their husband/wife, you'll read things through your own experience, at least until challenged.

Dunno. I haven't finished my coffee yet, so the brain's just moseying along this one. FWIW, I don't find MY use of "my" to be possessive, but to indicate a relationship or closeness. "The man I'm partnered with" sounds more distant to me than I'd like.

However, when talking about MY coffee? Yeah. Pry it outta my cold, dead fingers, people.
Dramatis personae:
Me: 46/F, Divorced with 2 kids, 2 cats, fish, a tarantula, and a 1930s house with many projects.
Chops: 47/M, Partner of 6 years, lives half-time with me, half with Xena.
Spinner: 52/M, Friend I've been on a few dates with. Divorced, Mono, wrapping his head around it all.
Xena: 47/F, Chops' other nesting partner of 6 years
Curls: 50/F, Chops' partner of 1 year

Supporting Characters:
Choplet: Chops' son
DanceGirl: My oldest daughter
Pokégirl: My youngest daughter
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Old 08-24-2013, 01:16 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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I'm pretty certain my mom would be mortified if I started referring to her as "the woman who is in a mother-daughter relationship with me."
This struck me as a good example of the relevance of the other person's feelings about any label. Labels not only to describe how you personally feel about the connection, but they can also be a term of endearment, or an expression of a shared understanding that you have, or an acknowledgement of how the other person is proud to be labelled.
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Old 08-24-2013, 11:10 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I do claim relationship.
They are MY friends. They are also other people's friends and they are themselves.

I AM someone else's friend. And I still own myself.

I AM someone else's love, wife, mom, sister, cousin, aunt etc.

"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 08-25-2013, 03:13 PM
ALpolyman ALpolyman is offline
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Location: Athens, AL
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I don't want to come off as rude but I don't understand the whole hating labels thing. Maybe it's because we're new to this. I'm not pro label or against labels...I just see it as "it is what it is". My wife is my wife and nothing will change that unless we got divorced of course. She has a pet name that I use instead of "my wife" though. Maybe it's about possessiveness and intent. Still, she IS my wife.
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Old 08-26-2013, 03:03 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by ALpolyman View Post
I don't want to come off as rude but I don't understand the whole hating labels thing.
I used to be against labels of all kinds. Then I realized, it's not my place to tell other people what labels they may or may not use for their own lives. What I don't like is when other people impose labels on me and ignore my desire not to have that done.

The old cliche holds: actions speak louder than words. My husband is my husband, but that doesn't mean I treat him like my possession. Conversely, referring to him as "The man I married" doesn't actually preclude me treating him like a possession.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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