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  #11  
Old 06-25-2009, 04:23 AM
vampiresscammy vampiresscammy is offline
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....We have talked and continue to talk about all this so that in itself I know is a good thing. I have met her, and honestly she is a nice person. That doesn't mean I want to change my life to accomodate her or any other woman, however. He states that He is not moving fast with this, that He does want to give it time, but that His ultimate goal is for us all to live together. That is not my ultimate goal.
In addition, she is not a lifestyle submissive woman, but rather a nurturing and pleasing vanilla chick, who happens to be 18 years younger than me. She comes to this new experience (for her) with a great deal of idealism that I have long sense lost over the years.
okay, okay, this is beginning to come together a little for me now, I think you left out a few important parts for us here to help or offer advice

if you two have a bdsm relationship, than yes I can see where that makes things much more complicated. especially if she is not into that or doesn't know you two are. this could be a huge potential issue. have you and he discussed sharing that aspect of what you have with others? do you yourself want to share that part of what you have? maybe he is hoping he can change her mind and get her to try it out. or perhaps he likes just having that with you. I can totally see where sharing that part of what you have with someone else might be very upsetting. I'd consider this aspect of a relationship entirely seperate from being poly, and I'd suggest making seperate rules/guidelines/desires known seperately.

the age thing, well, perhaps with more time it won't make such a difference, or if this other person just isn't right for you, then you should simply let your fella know she is not for you, and find some way for him to be with her, but you to not be with her.

whatever you do, it really sounds alot like you need more itme to get to know this person more and more assurance from your fella about all the particulars in your relationship, and what exactly he is and is not interested in sharing, and then he needs to listen to your needs/desires and concerns and reassure you that you are not loosing anything, and possibly not gaining anythign in certain areas if you wish not to as well.

i hope you can get things settled and make sure what your wanting is what he has in mind. good journies hun, may you find all the answers you seek soon.
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  #12  
Old 06-25-2009, 04:21 PM
sweetness sweetness is offline
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@Vampirescammy Honestly we do have somewhat seperate rules for poly vs. bdsm. And we are an old school, more traditional bdsm couple by the way. By that I mean we aren't frequenting the area play parties and scening on a regular. It seems we have reached a place of comfortable understanding of our roles in the relationship and things flow quite nicely in that area. The poly area is a whole different story. While some may look at my willingness to go along with it as a part of my submission, He and i do not see it that way really. We acknowledge that it is a challangeing area for me and address it outside of the D/s dynamic for the most part.

Yes she knows of the D/s dynamic in our relationship. I do think that her nurturing tendencies may be misleading him to think that she has subbie potential. I have told Him that one doesn't necessary lead to the other. What can I say, the Man has hope! *smiles* Regardless He is willling to be with her either way.

Our dialogue has been very open and flowing, these past few days especially. I appreciate this venue to be able express myself and hear some other thoughts other than my own on this and think it has helped me sort my ideas before presenting them to him, which has made for better communication.
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  #13  
Old 06-25-2009, 05:24 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I would highly recommend that he pull himself back and live in the present for a fair bit more with this. If he is doing everything with one future goal in mind he will probably miss the beauty of the moment that you are comfortable with I think. Getting caught up in the future can be scary and is obviously causing you some degree of discomfort.

Be firm in your stance. That is your home as much as it is his. No one should be allowed to enter it unless you both agree to it. If this pushes each of you to an impasse then so be it. That is much better than living in an environment you don't feel comfortable and healthy in. 18 years younger, idealistic, hasn't experienced a lot. I can completely understand some of your concerns. I wonder if he would be as anxious to have a similar lover for you move in?

Best wishes
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  #14  
Old 06-25-2009, 06:11 PM
sweetness sweetness is offline
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@MonoVCPHG...
Impasse is a very accurate word, but at least we do have an open dialouge, so that helps. I have asked Him how he would feel about things if they were reversed, and as always, there is absolutely no way whatsoever that He can imagine shareing me with anyone. I am the mono one in this relationship and it has always been that way and He doesn't see that ever changing.
He won't move her in if I am not ok with it. I know this much. The problem is my not being ok with it. I so agree with appreciateing the moment we are living in. Perhaps he is bored and needs to be always planning ahead.
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  #15  
Old 06-26-2009, 08:09 PM
vampiresscammy vampiresscammy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetness View Post
@Vampirescammy Honestly we do have somewhat seperate rules for poly vs. bdsm. And we are an old school, more traditional bdsm couple by the way. By that I mean we aren't frequenting the area play parties and scening on a regular. It seems we have reached a place of comfortable understanding of our roles in the relationship and things flow quite nicely in that area. The poly area is a whole different story. While some may look at my willingness to go along with it as a part of my submission, He and i do not see it that way really. We acknowledge that it is a challangeing area for me and address it outside of the D/s dynamic for the most part.

Yes she knows of the D/s dynamic in our relationship. I do think that her nurturing tendencies may be misleading him to think that she has subbie potential. I have told Him that one doesn't necessary lead to the other. What can I say, the Man has hope! *smiles* Regardless He is willling to be with her either way.

Our dialogue has been very open and flowing, these past few days especially. I appreciate this venue to be able express myself and hear some other thoughts other than my own on this and think it has helped me sort my ideas before presenting them to him, which has made for better communication.

Being nuturing in gneral, and being submissive in a sexual play style are two very different things. I hope he realizes this soon or he may be very disappointed.

It really sounds like you simply need to ask him to please slow things down a bit and let you get used to all of this and move forward when your ready. Remind him that doesn't mean a total stop, if your happy with things progressing, just slower is all.

Good luck
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