Shared responsibility in a poly family

[darthsabbath]

I did a cursory search on this topic (very brief, admittedly), and didn't find any posts, so apologies if this dead horse has taken a beating already. :-)

One of the aspects of poly that my wife and I find appealing is the poly family and shared responsibility. Whether it's a triad, quad, or some other configuration, we're curious about the pros and cons of how successfully it works in the real world. We've done a good bit of research on the web and have found conflicting opinions. I certainly expect to find a variety of them here as well, but it will be interesting to get some first hand accounts.

So... if you are in, or have been in, a poly family (or if you just have an opinion on the matter)... how did that work for you? How are bills, kids, cooking, etc. handled in your situation?

[GroundedSpirit]

Hello Darth,
There have been discussions come up at various times on here about family issues. One small one here I found is..

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2058
and
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...light=finances
and
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...light=finances

If I can locate some others I'll pass them on to you - or the search terms that hit well. I think it is quite scattered and usually has often come out just in the course of other discussions.

GS

[redpepper]

We don't live together but for what it's worth we are starting the process of buying a house that Mono would have an apartment in. Although he is here all the time and has taken care of a great many things that need fixing as well as light house hold chores, and looking after the boy, we really want to make sure that he and I have our own space together... we cherish that and Nerdist cherishes his space when I am gone...

As for finances... Mono would pay the rent as any tenant would and our households would be divided that way too. I am predicting that not much will change in terms of our dynamic, only that I will be closer to home in case of emergencies and so that time together will be spent together, not traveling.

My on going concern is how much our boy spends time with me. He loves his Mono... I wish I could tell you the nick name he has given him, but it would give his identity away and so I will resist. They play all kinds of boy games together as he does with his dad. Sometimes all of them together. I think he has HUGELY benefited from Mono being in his life as I think our boy has in Mono's life.

As in many poly relationships, time is a big issue and I am spread thin between all of them. So far we have done well. The first thing to go is quite often my time to myself.

[GroundedSpirit]

Hey RP,

Your explanation of the interactions with your son and the 'guys' is a great example of how wonderful things can blossom for everyone involved - especially your son. Thank you !

But......

Originally Posted by redpepper

.......As in many poly relationships, time is a big issue and I am spread thin between all of them. So far we have done well. The first thing to go is quite often my time to myself.

I really hope the guys take notice of this quote and think about it. That 'me' time is SO critical to people's well being and like you said - it's easy to get spread too thin. When that happens, all the interactions start to become more of a burden than a pleasure and tension & resentment start to bubble under the surface. It sneaks up on you sometimes unnoticed so it's good for everyone to help try to keep that in the sights.

Hang in there

GS

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit

I really hope the guys take notice of this quote and think about it.

Hang in there

GS

We do GS. RP is a huge exteravert who fills up her calendar all by herself. Me and Polynedrist are introverts...me to the extreme in many ways. I have never been so socially busy since I met RP, I have always spent most of my time by myself in my own comfy little world so to speak. She spreads herself out quite effectively without any assitance from us...errrr...you know what I mean


Polybnerdist and I are very appreciative for the effort Redpepper puts in to ensuring we have time togehter as individuals and as a group. I don't think either of us alone would have the capacity to maintain the pace she does, in fact I think she is more active than both of us combined LOL!

[GroundedSpirit]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

. She spreads herself out quite effectively without any assitance from us...errrr...you know what I mean

LOLOL - yep I know exactly what you mean........

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Polybnerdist and I are very appreciative for the effort Redpepper puts in to ensuring we have time togehter as individuals and as a group. I don't think either of us alone would have the capacity to maintain the pace she does, in fact I think she is more active than both of us combined LOL!

That sounds SO much like K used to be, although it's changed somewhat for now. But she got fairly skilled after awhile about recognizing when she was in too deep (!) and would block out the 'ME' time she needed before she burned out. But being that these social animals can run rampant to their own detriment, you may have to even consider occasionally exchanging roles as to who's holding the leash LOL

GS

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit

you may have to even consider occasionally exchanging roles as to who's holding the leash LOL

GS

HAHA!! I'll probably get a spanking just for laughing at that...thanks GS

[saudade]

From the original post: "How are bills, kids, cooking, etc. handled in your situation?"

My answer is actually a bit more complicated than some others' would be, I suspect. My two partners and I actually co-house with six other housemates (including one partner's sister) and any number of hangers-on (the number actually varies from day to day, and is much higher on weekends)... many of us went to Bennington College together, and then we all wound up moving to Boston.

Personal finances: I'm engaged to be legally married to one of my partners, K, so he and I have totally co-mingled our finances. Unofficially, Z (my other partner) and K's sister are both part of our larger entity, so we often share expenses.

Collective finances: We all pay 1/9 of the rent and 1/9 of the utilities. Z coordinates paying rent every month, and K coordinates utilities. Eight of us share a weekly grocery rotation in pairs. Each pair spends a set amount ($200) a week... the ninth person refills us on drinks midweek.

Cooking: We have a weekly schedule for who's night it is to load the dishwasher. A few nights a week, people are scheduled to cook for the house (with scheduled pot'n'pan cleaners), and for everything else people wash their own pots and pans.

Chores: Everyone's permanently assigned one duty (straightening living room, cleaning bathroom), and suffers housemate ridicule if they don't do them at least occasionally.

Decision Making, Grievance Airing, Etc.: Coffee hour is actually a tradition we carried on from Bennington College. We meet once a week for an hour (sometimes more, sometimes less) and talk about whatever issues we're having. We're usually pretty productive about this, because we insist on being so.

How about you all?

[Ceoli]

Originally Posted by saudade

My answer is actually a bit more complicated than some others' would be, I suspect. My two partners and I actually co-house with six other housemates (including one partner's sister) and any number of hangers-on (the number actually varies from day to day, and is much higher on weekends)... many of us went to Bennington College together, and then we all wound up moving to Boston.

Wow, now you have me curious. I used to be in with the co-housing community in Boston and Somerville! Now I'm wondering which house you may be talking about!

But you do raise a good point. Co-housing communities can offer a lot of good insight about building a household with a poly family.

Also, a wise and lovely friend of mine who is the hinge of a V with all three partners living together keeps a really neat blog about the life and times of a poly triad (getting into some nitty gritty stuff too):

Polyfulcrum's blog

[LovingRadiance]

We're sexually a V, but in terms of a poly-family we are a quad.

Myself, Maca, GG and my sister. We have 4 kids, 3 live at home.
Maca, GG, and I share expenses completely. We do the bills every month together and all the income goes into "one pot" so to speak. My sister is separate from this.

All four of us share responsibility of the kids equally. We work together to be sure that one of us is with the kids at all time and we all schedule our own time to do special things with the kids. We also all try to attend all special events (cubscouts, ceremonies etc) for the kids together.

We've lived like this for years... GG moved in 7 years ago.

The kids are great and consider all of us equally important in terms of immediate family.

I (like RP) often lose MY time in the attempt to coordinate everything else. As I'm the only one without a job, I end up with the ACTUAL paying of the bills, making sure chores get done daily, discipline, schooling (homeschool kids)...
Just a week ago I had a bit of a temper tantrum over the fact that the time is MY time to divvy out-not "GG's time or Maca's time" for me to ensure I am present, but my time to decide if I am spending it with one of them, the other of them, both of them or neither of them.
I think it sort of hurt some feelings, but afterward it seemed to make sense for them.
I compared it to children of divorce who struggle with "mom's time and dad's time". The truth is it's SUPPOSED to be the KID's time with each parent-so if the kid wants to spend it seeing their friends, so be it. But often the parent lays claim to it.
Likewise-the guys sometimes tend to think that some specified time of day is THEIR TIME with me, forgetting that this is MY LIFE and if I am sick, or harried, or need a break-then I need to NOT be running to do whatever thing they suddenly wanted to do with me....

NEWAY-I love having a polyfamily and I wouldn't have it any other way.