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  #161  
Old 08-23-2013, 03:56 PM
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Nudge Nudge is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
So I would say, consider the source of the information and who you are sharing it with should be the most important. Getting consent to tell someone about a sexual encounter with someone else isn't something I find practical.
To clarify-- the consent isn't around each sexual act, but having a general sense of what a partner would want shared, and having a talk about preferences/boundries is a good idea.
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  #162  
Old 08-23-2013, 04:05 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Once I discover that my partner is paranoid about their details and doesn't trust me to be careful with them... my guess is that relationship is not going to be very intimate.
That goes the other way, too. Before getting too carried away for the first time I asked both my married partners what level of detail their wives would be privy to. If they'd given me the impression that everything was going to be discussed then there wouldn't have been anything taking place worth talking about. You can call it paranoia if you wish, I just call it none of their business.
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  #163  
Old 08-23-2013, 10:14 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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One thing to note is that disclosing sexual details means providing information about a third party who may not want to have the information shared.

I may be comfortable sharing sexual information about me and my spouse with my girlfriend, but what if the spouse wouldn't want the information shared. Consent of every party involved is important.
Nudge, interesting point...but really you cant expect people not to share experiences they are involved in with other people. Or if it some how effects them...I get what you mean if its solely about the other person. But you know me, Im probably TOO open and could stand to use a little of other peoples candor.
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Last edited by gorgeouskitten; 08-23-2013 at 10:39 PM.
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  #164  
Old 08-23-2013, 10:19 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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.



Being unsettled by not hearing enough detail would give me pause. I would presume that I am having a personal issue with the fact that something is happening outside of my realm of control.

What is it that unsettles you? What details would sate this fear? What do you imagine will happen if you don't hear these details versus what happens if you do?
I dont know...i guess when i dont know things, my imagination runs wild. but youre right it shouldnt matter. I think its just an internal quirk of mine that i need to quiet down
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  #165  
Old 08-24-2013, 03:43 AM
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But you know me, Im probably TOO open
I wouldn't say too open -- you just open *me* up more than I expect, sometimes.
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  #166  
Old 08-24-2013, 08:23 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default As to specifics

If I am not the source of information, I don't share it, not when the info is in regards to sexual details.

As in the details a partner shares with me, I don't share with others. One of the things that I have a problem with the places and sites, groups and communities both online and in real life and the mix of both, is that it seems like offense is more the norm than respect. These are topics (love and relationships) are very emotional so there is going to be heated discussions, it is not my intention to pick on people, in fact being respectful and not offensive is something I need to work on, as it really sucks when a person who was as big a part of this forum as Boring Guy gets banned. Often I was confrontational towards him which means I was part of the problem.

But anyways, in all the places that are known to be "open minded" in regards to sex, it's as as if there is an unspoken rule that you must have "thick skin" when it comes sexual matters. That there is no room for sensitive people or as if humiliation by others can teach humility when you are talking about something like sex -- where each person has all authority in regards to oneself and absolutely none except that which is freely given or willfully submitted to. Coercion, is wrong, shaming is wrong, fucking with a persons mind is wrong, being disrespectful is wrong, violating anothers autonomy or spaces that are sexual are wrong

When I say wrong, I am seriously wrong, as a person's emotional health and sexual health and being emotionally/sexually healthy is in many ways directly linked to spirituality. These are normally quite sensitive aspects of our lives emotionally, they are easily damaged, and when people exist in a place where they're emotional sexual health is poor, it can make a life that would otherwise be perfect and turn it to shit.

it doesn't matter if you are mono or poly, if you have emotionally unhealthy sex life or sex partners, it is damn hard to be content with life.

as far as needing to know your partners details, is a sensitive issue, but I do strongly feel the most intimate relationships are ones where all involved feel safe enough to fully share.

I don't have to be "involved" in my partners relationships, but my preference is much closer to "family" styled or fully integrated partners as opposed to separate. Mostly because issues of time are less of a problem as well as intimacy, as a true friend, a close friend -- even without any sexual aspect -- is in many ways just as fulfilling relationship -- and in some ways, more fulfilling -- as it is the sharing of life that to me is priceless. Just one relationship like that is all I need and I feel blessed to have. It is often easier to find those relationships with those I am not sexually involved with, but the sex doesn't defile those relationships it just seems like a rarer find

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 08-24-2013 at 08:30 AM.
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  #167  
Old 08-25-2013, 04:52 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
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This issue came up for me recently. BF and I live 60 miles apart so we spend a lot of our time texting, and sexting too. For us this is a normal and natural part of our relationship. But it's not something I would do with my husband because our communication is just different. (The sexting part, anyway. TB and I will incorporate sexy/dirty talk into our sex life all the time. Just not in "media".)

BF and I both like to hear sexy details, and we communicate these kinds of things for each other, as sharing fantasies of what we might do if we were together in person. But when faced with the opportunity to give him details about a specific sexual encounter with my husband, I realized that was just outside my comfort zone. What I do with someone in the bedroom is between us. I could give a brief summary, or if asked a specific question, I could answer it (Do you guys have oral sex? Have you done THIS??), but I just didnt want to make it.... salacious...? It wont be presented as an erotica story.

It goes both ways. I would not give TB a blow by blow (ha ha) of what BF and I might do together. It's personal.
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  #168  
Old 08-25-2013, 04:58 PM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
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Originally Posted by Nudge View Post
I wouldn't say too open -- you just open *me* up more than I expect, sometimes.
I still think the thing to go by is basing the decision on what people involved are comfortable with. If detail sharing is ok, then enjoy it. If just broad general questions or ok, then enjoy that. I wouldn't worry about what's the norm for other peoples relationships. It's all about respecting the boundaries of the people directly in the situation. That's it.
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  #169  
Old 08-26-2013, 02:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Emm View Post
If they'd given me the impression that everything was going to be discussed then there wouldn't have been anything taking place worth talking about. You can call it paranoia if you wish, I just call it none of their business.
So "our sex life is to be held as our dirty little secret or we aren't having it"? What were you so afraid of? Were they going to publish your sexlife on the internet? Were they going to go to your kids school and tell the teachers? Were they going to discuss their new intimate sexual partner with their current intimate sexual partner?

Is your sex life really so illicit and depraved that it needs to be kept under lock and key?
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  #170  
Old 08-26-2013, 02:56 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
So "our sex life is to be held as our dirty little secret or we aren't having it"? What were you so afraid of? Were they going to publish your sexlife on the internet? Were they going to go to your kids school and tell the teachers? Were they going to discuss their new intimate sexual partner with their current intimate sexual partner?

Is your sex life really so illicit and depraved that it needs to be kept under lock and key?
I think its kind of Luke "what would m think if n told ne all the nasty things she did to him" or the intimate details about her body etc. Or even embarrassing stuff
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