Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #101  
Old 10-13-2009, 05:16 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,636
Default

good on you Vandlin... sounds like it's time. Who knows what doors will open now.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #102  
Old 02-15-2010, 10:42 PM
vandalin's Avatar
vandalin vandalin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 520
Default

I hate curve balls. So here I was, feeling better about everything and he goes and f's everything up for me again. Ok, so partially my doing as well but as I'm the one who wants the relationship to be more than friends and he just wants to be friends I'd hope he would be the one to say "stop, boundary crossing"...but no.

I went to IL again to visit with another friend who thought she was going into early labor. I let Elric know I'd be down there and we set up plans to get together. My friend, who then finds out she's not in labor, is just fine and I spend most of the weekend in my hotel, fine by me.

So at this point, I'm about 7 weeks pregnant, had some bleeding and the Dr. said, no sex, no orgasm, no penetration, etc. for at least 2 weeks. Elric came over Friday night and we hung out and watched an episode of a tv show on my laptop that he was telling me about. Ok, so maybe I should not have worn the low cut sweater that hugged my ample chest, and maybe he should not have been running his hand up and down my arm for the whole hour of the tv show. Long story short, we end up on the bed fooling around, of course he got a little more out of it than I did as neither of us wanted to hurt my baby. But for me, it was amazing anyway. He said things which the next day (no he didn't spend the night even though I offered as it was late) he amended, didn't take back, just explained what he meant better.

Sunday was horrible for me. I think he was feeling guilty at not being able to contain himself Friday night that he needed to explain and justify how he felt about me again and again. But I am having a serious issue with his words when all of his actions say the opposite.

So, here I was, trying to get past what happened and what will 99% sure will never happen again no matter how much I want it to, and my pregnancy lays me out for almost an entire month and a half with exhaustion. It took me two days to drive home and I crashed the moment I got there and stayed that way for the next few weeks. And of course, with all this time on my hands and not even the energy to log onto my laptop, what am I going to do? Think about Elric and what happened and what it means and etc...

I try to bring it up again, when I'm finally able to try to ask him about it, he brushes me off by saying he hasn't even had time to think about it and what he has said is what he means, no matter how his body and impulse may have betrayed that. He feels shame and remorse for accidentally making me think he wanted more than he says. Then he goes on to say that he feels hurt that I have to keep bringing it up and that I'm not validating his feelings.

At that point I basically go off on him in IM (where we do most of our actual talking). He comes back and says that he has to log off for a while before he has an anxiety attack but we will talk about it later after we have cooled down. After spending the next several hours crying in Cajun's arms, I sent Elric an email telling him, "I am done." That I just couldn't do this anymore, not only because of the stress it was causing me and now my baby, but because I did not want to loose our friendship and I could feel the tension and anger trying to rip it apart.

And this time, I will follow through to the best of my abilities. If we are ever alone together, I will do my best to keep my boundaries in tact even if he can't.

Now, I am trying to mend that re-torn heart and decide, once again, what do I really want and need to make me happy. What I fear the most right now is that I am truly the type of person where absence makes the heart grow fonder, and with each passing day I just miss him more and more, even though we talk on line. I want to spend time with him to get used to him in a friendship status again as I had started after my week in IL. I would be happy just getting this intense feeling to decrease to a simple crush if I could but I don't know how to do that without being around him.

And then, to cap it all off, Cajun takes me out to a really nice dinner for V-Day and even showed his rare romantic side by having some roses waiting at the restaurant for me. Being pregnant has started limited my clothing choices so he picks out that sweater that I wore the last time Elric and I were together. I thought, no problem. Boy was I wrong. I feel so guilty that my mind kept wandering to Elric and I could feel his hand on my arm all night! The guilt is truly from the fact that I am still wishing for more and that even for just one night, I couldn't not think of Elric. This was supposed to be a nice romantic evening for Cajun and me, and although is was nice and romantic, it was still dampened by my constant wayward mind and heart.

No advice really needed here. I guess I just needed a good venting which I haven't really been able to do. Thanks for reading though and if you want to comment or advise, feel free.
__________________
Life is about the journey and not the destination,
so what better way to know life
than to wander all the roads and paths set before you.
Reply With Quote
  #103  
Old 02-16-2010, 03:36 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by vandalin View Post

No advice really needed here. I guess I just needed a good venting which I haven't really been able to do. Thanks for reading though and if you want to comment or advise, feel free.
No advice..just a friendly sigh of concern for you.

Congrats by the way

Peace and Love
Mono
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #104  
Old 02-16-2010, 03:42 AM
vandalin's Avatar
vandalin vandalin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 520
Default

Thanks Mono. I figured you'ld be one of the first with the sympathetic head shaking. What sucks was that I really was doing better, and the the fit hit the shan. Now it's time to wait and see what my heart will do to me next. lol

Love really is grand, when it doesn't suck.
__________________
Life is about the journey and not the destination,
so what better way to know life
than to wander all the roads and paths set before you.
Reply With Quote
  #105  
Old 02-16-2010, 04:10 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by vandalin View Post
Love really is grand, when it doesn't suck.
Haha!

I don't know if you ever read this post of mine....it might be worth reading to see if anything can be applied.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=919

You can completely love some one without their participation or even knowledge. It's a matter of getting past the physical methods of sharing that love in my opinion. Once there, anything else like touch is a huge additional gift and avenue to communicate love but not a necessity to be healthy.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #106  
Old 02-16-2010, 02:21 PM
vandalin's Avatar
vandalin vandalin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 520
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
You can completely love some one without their participation or even knowledge. It's a matter of getting past the physical methods of sharing that love in my opinion. Once there, anything else like touch is a huge additional gift and avenue to communicate love but not a necessity to be healthy.
This really does strike a note for me, Mono, thank you. And I think this is where I am trying to get to, the point where I can love Elric without feeling the need to be with him physically (sexually or location-ly).

I will take a look at your post later today as I have to get up and ready for an early and longish day. I can't believe I'm actually up this early! lol
__________________
Life is about the journey and not the destination,
so what better way to know life
than to wander all the roads and paths set before you.
Reply With Quote
  #107  
Old 02-16-2010, 03:30 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by vandalin View Post
This really does strike a note for me, Mono, thank you. And I think this is where I am trying to get to, the point where I can love Elric without feeling the need to be with him physically (sexually or location-ly).

I will take a look at your post later today as I have to get up and ready for an early and longish day. I can't believe I'm actually up this early! lol
If I can help anyone even a little with any of this then my day is good!

Take care
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #108  
Old 02-17-2010, 03:30 AM
vandalin's Avatar
vandalin vandalin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 520
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Haha!

I don't know if you ever read this post of mine....it might be worth reading to see if anything can be applied.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=919

You can completely love some one without their participation or even knowledge. It's a matter of getting past the physical methods of sharing that love in my opinion. Once there, anything else like touch is a huge additional gift and avenue to communicate love but not a necessity to be healthy.
I remember reading this previously but I did read it over again as I am in a different state of mind now than I was then. It really struck me again and I do hope that I can bring that little piece inside me to the front to tell me when to stop before it becomes too unhealthy. I think that it has started to try harder, with the "I'm Done" email, but still remains quiet on a day to day basis and whenever Elric pops up in my mind.

I also want to try to get to that point where I don't have/want/need to physically express my love for him, but I think that will come in time and with in person interaction. I think that the more we are around each other without anything sexual happening, the more I will be able to separate the physical and the emotional.

Thank you Mono, as always you seem to know just what I need to hear, whether I want to or not.

Recently Elric and I decided that we both wanted to restart our old "chats" and be friends with "cyber-benefits" and I am ok with that. It has not made me pine after him more than I have been plus I get to express the "physical" desires I have for him in a safe and comfortable way to him. We both know and accept that we have a serious physical attraction for each other and this is how we have decided to try to alleviate those tensions.

On another note, he met a gal over the weekend and that has my emotions all over the board. I knew it would happen sooner or later as he is (to me for sure) a very attractive man. So I get to be his friend and his NRE sounding board, he was still smiling today when we texted...two days later. There relationship is still in the tentative phase, they may have a first date this weekend and who knows. Until he gets into a serious relationship with someone, he and I are alright with continuing to have "chats" which at this point are rare anyways due to his roommate issues.

I want him to be happy with all my heart. I wish I could be the one to make that happen, but I am finally starting to accept that it will not be me. If this gal is the one to do it, I hope he takes it slowly and doesn't rush anything as that lovely NRE makes one wont to do. If she is not, I hope that neither is hurt too badly and that he continues to try to find happiness...even if it is not with me.

I do believe that, most of the time. I just wish it didn't hurt as much.
__________________
Life is about the journey and not the destination,
so what better way to know life
than to wander all the roads and paths set before you.
Reply With Quote
  #109  
Old 02-17-2010, 03:42 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by vandalin View Post

Recently Elric and I decided that we both wanted to restart our old "chats" and be friends with "cyber-benefits" and I am ok with that. It has not made me pine after him more than I have been plus I get to express the "physical" desires I have for him in a safe and comfortable way to him. We both know and accept that we have a serious physical attraction for each other and this is how we have decided to try to alleviate those tensions.

Tough questions V...feel free not to read at all.

This is just my opinion Vandalin so take it with the knowledge that I am genuinely concerned for you.

What you describe above is probably not a way to create that healthy relationship you are looking for. What this will probably do is build up a fevered pitch in excitement that inevitably one or both of you will get caught up in and then you are back to square one. I'm getting a clear picture of the mixed signals you are being sent by him and am merely stating my observation that there is something missing here. You are fulfilling his needs. That seems to be the end of the cyber benefits. Have you asked yourself if he will still be so interested when and if he does become involved heavily with another woman for himself? Do you think she will be ok with his cyber visits?

I can't help but think you are setting yourself up V. I want you healthy for real. Personally I think you are doing whatever it takes to hold on to a part of him that really isn't yours.

Take care V....sorry if I hurt you with this.
Peace and Love
Mono
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #110  
Old 02-18-2010, 12:57 AM
vandalin's Avatar
vandalin vandalin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 520
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Tough questions V...feel free not to read at all.

This is just my opinion Vandalin so take it with the knowledge that I am genuinely concerned for you.
Firstly, Mono, I will always read what is said here. We are all entitled to our opinions and observations and there is always the possibility that any one of them could be right, or any multitude applicable.

Secondly, I really do appreciate your concern and I do see why. I have thought of most of these questions, which I will explain, and the ones I haven't I will comment on. But know that I am not taking these concerns lightly and some of them I have even discussed with both Elric and Cajun.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
What you describe above is probably not a way to create that healthy relationship you are looking for. What this will probably do is build up a fevered pitch in excitement that inevitably one or both of you will get caught up in and then you are back to square one. I'm getting a clear picture of the mixed signals you are being sent by him and am merely stating my observation that there is something missing here. You are fulfilling his needs. That seems to be the end of the cyber benefits.
Until I got into my relationship with Cajun, cyber was a big thing for me. As I've mentioned, I'm not big on the whole dating scene and this was a way for me to express myself sexually without exposing myself (in more than one way). When I cyber, I am an actress, a roleplayer. Like a movie, I know it is fantasy. The only difference between that time and the present is that my old cyber habits were more like one night stands. With Elric, I admit, there have been occasions where I wondered if what he was saying was also valid in RL, and in a way it is. As I mentioned we are both very sexually attracted to one another and even he would have, at one point, loved to have had a sexual relationship with me. But he is not comfortable with having a physical relationship with a married woman, even with Cajun's "permission".

I feel we are both getting something that we want from these "chats", being able to express how we feel physically for each other in a way that is comfortable and safe. We have had one session since agreeing to this and it has not changed, for better or worse, how I feel about him emotionally. In the cyber world I am not, me. I may use some of what I want or feel, but it is not really me...if that makes sense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Have you asked yourself if he will still be so interested when and if he does become involved heavily with another woman for himself? Do you think she will be ok with his cyber visits?
I know that when he becomes involved with another woman in RL that our chats will probably come to an end. I knew that from the get go. I feel I am ready for that. Our chats are so rare as it is that not much will have changed. I would hope that he would have an open (verbally) and honest relationship with any woman he is with and be able to talk about our arrangement/agreement and see how she feels, even though I'm pretty sure that she will ask him to stop or to not start up again if we have stopped until that talk can happen. I will not continue to have these "chats" with him if she does not know about them. To some people, cyber is cheating and I don't want that to interfere with his RL relationships. So, you see, I am even willing to put a stop to it if necessary, and I will do so if I start to feel that it is interfering with my emotional attachment or if either Cajun or Elric feel that I am getting "worse".

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I can't help but think you are setting yourself up V. I want you healthy for real. Personally I think you are doing whatever it takes to hold on to a part of him that really isn't yours.
Maybe I am trying to hold on to a part of him that isn't really mine. Actually I probably am, but I don't think it's the sexual aspect I'm trying to keep hold of. I am trying to keep hold of the emotional and romantic feelings that we thought we had for each other back in May/June when this whole thing started. I think that his finding a RL relationship, if he is ready, will actually help me to move on from wanting more than friendship because I will see how happy he is and I would never do anything to hurt or damage his happiness.

I do appreciate your concern. Maybe I'm slightly masochistic, and my dad always said I seemed to have to learn things the hard way, but I need to test myself in different ways when it comes to him so I know what I can and cannot do and/or take. I know that if we are around each other that our physical contact has to be limited to hugs hello and goodbye, anything more and I start to melt. I don't like saying I can or can't do something without having tried or tested. Maybe that does set me up for more pain than some who never take the chance, but that is a part of what makes me, me. For better or worse.

Maybe I'm being stubborn or blind, but this is how I see it at this time. Who knows, maybe in a week, a day or even an hour, how I see it will change.

Thank you Mono, for taking the time to point these issues out. And I hope you will still take the time to do so in the future, whether for this relationship or some other I may have in the future.
__________________
Life is about the journey and not the destination,
so what better way to know life
than to wander all the roads and paths set before you.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:34 PM.