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  #1  
Old 08-23-2013, 04:23 PM
FranticRomantic FranticRomantic is offline
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Exclamation Seeking help with possessiveness, jealousy, and falling in love.

Friends,
I'm in some serious need of advice. Toward the end of last year, I met a woman who I began to casually date. We got along well, but the relationship was largely physical, so we never really considered calling it anything besides what it is.
Skip ahead a few months, and we both have a "Shit...we like each other. What now?" moment, as we had both expressed an overall lack of interest in "settling down", especially sexually. So, we set out the bounds of a sexually open relationship. I know she had been seeing another man before me, but that they interacted even less then we did (especially since we started to see more of each other), and it really didn't bother me. I mean, what more could a 20 something year old ask for? A woman who cares for me, and who doesn't mind me expressing my overt and natural sexual state.
Some background: I'm a couple of years older than she is, but this is my first foray into non-monogamy (not including serial dating, which has been my lifestyle for a few years), but she is quite seasoned in this, especially compared to me. Things were pretty great for a while, I went on a few dates, I think I slept with two women over the months we were dating. Soon enough the L word came into play, which is when I started to feel funny about certain things. She began telling me about some men she was considering going on dates with, and my stomach began to flip around.
I became filled with negative emotions. Jealousy, which I thought I had left in the past, but in reality just seems to had lay dormant because I hadn't LOVED anybody in so many years. Which obviously made me a big ol' hypocrite, which also sucks to know about yourself.
I expressed these feelings, and she was supportive enough, but concerned by the hypocrisy, so I also pulled back from my conversations with other women to even things out a bit.
Around this time, I began to remember why I suck so bad at monogamy; without what I think you guys call the NRE, my interest plummets in a way plain old unfair to my girlfriend. We're still sexually active, but sometimes it is like I'm horny for anything but her, and that makes me feel awful, because I most certainly care for and find her attractive! But it's as if my body rejects her. This is not atypical, and is basically the sensation that has led to the downfall of all of my other long term relationships.
Recently, she has expressed interest in reaching out to the man from the beginning of the story. Details aside, this made me uncomfortable, because I felt like this man seriously disrespected her when he cut ties with her earlier this year. It bothered me that she'd be interested in a man who I felt like wasn't even respectful of her. So, it got me to thinking exactly how much of that feeling is Mr. Jealous-Possessive-Lizard Brain, and how much of that really is my person belief system. Our sex is very aggressive. Mean, even sometimes.
Now, that's obviously consensual and part of what made us clique so much, but this thought made me realize; this is likely the same kind of sex she'd be seeking from other men. Then the thought of a man slapping my girlfriend in the face and calling her his little cum slut popped into my head.
So, what am I getting at here? I'm concerned that I am neither ready/willing to commit to a monogamous relationship, but also not mature/ready/who knows what at the moment to love somebody while they're sexually active with others.
Do you remember having to get over your own possessiveness? Was it just something you started with, and so were drawn to non-monogamy, or was it "learned"?
I love this woman, and I can't stand to be a hypocrite in the name of my own irrational concerns of her going out and being "disrespected". I'd really like to find a way to make everybody comfortable, happy, and fulfilled.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, if you did. I know it was muddled and confusing, but that's how I am right now.
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  #2  
Old 08-23-2013, 06:15 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default How is it disrespected

if that is the way she desires and explicitly consents to, being a fully knowledgeable adult?

If that is the type of sex you like to engage in, it sounds like a good match.

It can definitely be disrespectful and even abusive when not it is not desired, it could also just be an unhealthy dynamic as there are people who routinely get into arguments with their partner that become physical and end with angry sex. That would constitute battering a woman. There are women who refuse to leave abusive relationships for many reasons, and violent sexual interactions resulting from a cycle of physical altercations that lead to sex without prior agreements, is what I would consider an abusive relationship.

However there are woman that occasional desire/need violent, degrading or otherwise humiliating sexual interactions. Allowing adults to live their life freely, with liberty to pursue happiness. What is desired and explicitly consented to is an adults choice and one that must be respected

Some people are not turned on by angry violent sex, I know I am not, so I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with such a woman as the only type of Dominant metamour I can tolerate is not what most people think of when they think of D/s dynamic. I have had girlfriends who dabbled in such relationships, but their Doms were in no way disrespectful or degrading. Some Doms treat women better than most people would treat themselves and the submission that is given is not centered around "rough" physical power, but obedience.

There is nothing disrespectful about it, however

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 08-23-2013 at 06:30 PM.
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  #3  
Old 08-23-2013, 06:26 PM
FranticRomantic FranticRomantic is offline
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Default Yep

That's basically what she indicated in a conversation we recently had.

"It is really important to me that you respect me enough to know I'm keeping myself safe in these situations, and that I'm smart enough to know when a man is being respectful or not of me."

At the time of the conversation, I was still fairly emotional regarding the whole thing. It isn't that I don't trust her, but rather that it is the act itself that I find disrespectful, even if it is the act of two consenting adults.

I said something along the lines of "Such degradation, I feel like it is for US to share, for people who love each other enough to hurt each other a little bit and be able to smile at the end and now think of each other any differently".

Whether or not this is a valid thought process, I'm still working on.
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  #4  
Old 08-23-2013, 08:37 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Default

I just put in another thread, but my journey to overcome this was realizing it wasn't a competition.

T is with me because she wants to be with me. I don't have to do anything better or more often than other men in her life. I just have to be me. That's what attracted her in the first place, and that's what keeps her involved.

I try to be supportive of her other relationships, but there are times when I voice my concerns. I do preface it with, "I understand that I might be biased here, and it's completely your decision, but I'm concerned about X." That only occurs when she's stressed out though. If she seems happy, I don't comment other than to be glad her other men are making her happy.
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Me: 40 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 18 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 3 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
Ironically named Farmgirl - local interest
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  #5  
Old 08-23-2013, 08:42 PM
FranticRomantic FranticRomantic is offline
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Default Hm

Quote:
Originally Posted by evad View Post
I just put in another thread, but my journey to overcome this was realizing it wasn't a competition.

T is with me because she wants to be with me. I don't have to do anything better or more often than other men in her life. I just have to be me. That's what attracted her in the first place, and that's what keeps her involved.

I try to be supportive of her other relationships, but there are times when I voice my concerns. I do preface it with, "I understand that I might be biased here, and it's completely your decision, but I'm concerned about X." That only occurs when she's stressed out though. If she seems happy, I don't comment other than to be glad her other men are making her happy.
So there's no inherent jealousy to be had for her physical relations with other men? Is that just how it always was for you, or was it learned?
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  #6  
Old 08-23-2013, 08:57 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FranticRomantic View Post
So there's no inherent jealousy to be had for her physical relations with other men? Is that just how it always was for you, or was it learned?
There's never been inherent jealousy, but there has been insecurity on my part. I was constantly afraid she'd meet someone better than I was.

From reading here, you have to identify exactly what is upsetting you.

For example:
Are you possessive? Is it that you don't like her spending time with people other than you?
Are you insecure? Do you think she'll find someone better?
Are you needy? You want her attention so badly and she's giving it to someone else?

When I figured it was insecurity there were changes we made. She's done some things to help. I've understood she's keeping me in her life. It's also easier when the men don't change. When she adds one, then I have to start over, though it's not so bad any more. I do get "new guy" insecurity. But I can recognize it and get through. It's really not so bad any more. We've reached a level of intimacy that I can't help but know how important I am to her.

So, yes there was a learning curve, but no, I wasn't really predisposed to jealousy in the first place.
__________________
Me: 40 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 18 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 3 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
Ironically named Farmgirl - local interest
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  #7  
Old 08-23-2013, 09:08 PM
FranticRomantic FranticRomantic is offline
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Can I ask how old you are?
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  #8  
Old 08-23-2013, 09:09 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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39
__________________
Me: 40 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 18 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 3 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
Ironically named Farmgirl - local interest
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  #9  
Old 08-23-2013, 09:15 PM
FranticRomantic FranticRomantic is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by evad View Post
39
Sorry, says it right in the sig. Awfully new here if you can't tell :-).

When did you first enter this type of relationship?
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  #10  
Old 08-23-2013, 09:36 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Ooo. Complicated.

The short version is a long, long time ago (over 15 years) I realized that my wife wasn't enough for me. She said I could do whatever I wanted online and it wouldn't bother her. I got infatuated once, but it didn't last long. I've met lots of wonderful people. Some I've known that entire time. I've stayed away from anything that would be considered more than friends with benefits.

That's until I met T online two years ago. I knew very quickly that I was going to fall for her. Within 6 months, we both knew. We spent the next 6 trying to figure out what to do about it. For the last year it's been a long distance poly relationship. I have no idea how many thousand hours I have spent chatting/texting/phone/camming with her. I went to visit her (albeit briefly) in June. We'll do it again soon if real life doesn't interfere, but it's pretty nasty for her right now.
__________________
Me: 40 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 18 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 3 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
Ironically named Farmgirl - local interest
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