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Old 08-20-2013, 02:39 AM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

Why do you want to call her? Simply so you can tell her how close you guys are? Why? To show off?

Think about this: if the guy you are seeing was worth your effort, if you are an important part of his life, shouldn't he of mentioned you to her? Isn't that the real issue? The fact that he is concealing your relationship? I've said elsewhere that it isn't, or shouldnt be, your job to ensure your partner's other relationships do not devalue or impede on your relationship with them. They should be capable of being ethical using their own initiative.
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Old 08-20-2013, 09:37 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,330

You could get clear on these points:
  • Is he asking you to participate in a "V" arrangement with him as the hinge and you and her as the "V arm" people?
  • If so, what KIND of "V" arrangement is he offering you and asking you to participate in?
    • One where he is asking you to help him to keep her in the dark about you?
    • Or one where all players are on the same page and are in full awareness before entering into polyshipping?

You have every right to review every offer/invite to polyship to make sure it is healthy for you and meets your own wants, needs, and limits.
If he's offering you a less than healthy sounding offer to you? You have every right to say "Nope. I am not willing to participate. Thanks but no thanks!"

I also just felt conflicted with the fact he told me I wasn't allowed to call her. He has no significant power over me yet I am afraid of jeopardizing our friendship of this.
How "friendly" is it of him to inspire a climate of fearfulness in your "friendship" with him? You are free to call whoever you wish. You could tell him you do not appreciate him trying to limit you freedom to talk to whoever you want to talk to.

Your desire to check in with your ex-meta to see if bygones are really bygones before attempting a new polyship with these players...
  • ADDS or TAKES AWAY from potential conflict and misunderstanding?
  • Is you looking out for your own well being? yes/no?
  • Is you looking out for the success/well-being of potential future polyship and the well-being other players? yes/no?

His desire to forbid you to talk to her...
  • ADDS or TAKES AWAY from potential conflict and misunderstanding?
  • Is him looking out for his own well being? yes/no?
  • Is him looking out for the success/well-being of potential future polyship and the well-being other players? yes/no?

Should I make him tell her where we are at with each other or should I make the connection via phone, email?
Could BOTH plan call her separately?

He could deal with the (Him + Her) tier of the polymath to try return to right relationship with her for the lie of omission and whatever else in the past.

You could deal with the (you + her) tier of the poly math to try return to right relationship with her from whatever in the past.

So that the potential new future polyship of (you + [him) + her] could begin and function well and in right relationship. (If this is something all 3 of you actually want to build together. Maybe you don't want to.)

If he's worried you talking to her would "out" him in a lie of omission? You could point out that he could ask you if you are willing to wait a few days and give him opportunity to own it and clear it up himself (since he created this) before YOU call her to ask your own questions and find out bygones are bygones with her before starting to talk about building a new polyship here with these players.

Taking responsibility for his own conduct tather than "forbidding" you to talk to a person you might be polyshipping with in future and preventing you from sorting past things out for yourself with her. Jeez!

Again...could be discerning and tread carefully. Could only accept healthy offers, and could begin as you mean to go on if you decide to begin at all.

You could always say "No!" to less than healthy sounding offers to polyship.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-20-2013 at 11:41 PM.
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Old 08-22-2013, 11:12 PM
roseyt roseyt is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 4

thank you all! this has been a big help!
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